As anyone who has listened to them knows, Dixie Chicks have their fair share of sad songs..
Anyway, I find that I'm shedding tears with every other song on shuffle..
Obviously there are some suppressed emotions here.
I miss my mom.
I wish I had a home, and a family.
I hate that I wasted the cross country season, but more importantly I hate that I wasted the past 6 months of my life fixated on how screwed up I am instead of trying to turn things around.
Why is it that we are so dependent on certain things?
For me, if eating, running, and my relationship with Connor aren't going well then nothing is..
Oh, and ALL THREE of those have to be going well for me to be happy, for me to ALLOW myself happiness..
It's hard for me to accept anything other than perfection, especially with these things..
I don't understand why I can't just accept a 7:30/min pace for an easy run, why I can't see a day of indulging in a cookie as anything less than a failure, or why I feel like I have to be doing something wrong if Connor doesn't have a smile on his face at all times.
For some reason, everything else can be messed up.. I think I expect them to be, really..
I think that
I want Him when I want Him.
I accept his love and obey his commands when I feel like it.
Of course there are certain things I still sway on..
Are homosexuals going to hell?
What about those that never had the chance to know Jesus? Do they burn?
I would like to think that the answer is no for both of the above questions, but really, I don't know.
No one does.
I often turn to him when I am weak, and I turn to him sometimes when I am strong, but He has never been a constant presence in my life.
It's time that I stop blaming others, other things, and myself for the problems in my life. It's time that I accept these shortcomings as a blessing instead, allowing for me to grow with each and every obstacle I overcome.
I know that every one I have tackled so far has only led to good things in terms of my becoming the person I plan to be.
God works in mysterious ways.
And He loves each and every one of us so much.
Sometimes I just wanna scream (and sometimes I do) that this cannot be true. If so, he wouldn't leave me out to dry like this.
But then I have moments like this, moments when I feel Him holding me, telling me that it is all going to be okay, and I should have faith that tomorrow may bring some important changes in my life if I choose for it to.
I'm sorry if this post was too religious for some of you, but I feel that the Lord has called on me to post about Him and all that He has done for me and all of you.
We are still alive to breathe this beautiful air, to walk with two mobile legs, to see this blog post with our very own eyes.
It's crazy how small and insignificant we are in this world, yet He loves us all. Just the way we are.
It gives me hope when I wonder what I am doing here if I can't even run close to the times I was last year at this time, when Connor and I have those stupid little fights, when I choose to binge after a long day of refusing any food over X calories..
Anyway, to update on my life..
I am back to running.. Well kinda. I seriously got the worst chaffing in the world last week, and I kept running on it, so now my skin is RAW. I decided to bike and elliptical instead because those do not cause my legs to rub together, and it has gotten much better.. I am gonna try to run tomorrow morning, and I cannot wait.
I seriously am so far away from the fitness level I want or need to be at, but I know I will get there if I work as hard as I can. I am a very hard worker, and when I decide I want something, I go after it.
And I want to be good again. I am starting to love running again.
But in order for me to continue this love affair with my sport, I need to tone down on the expectations and criticism I give myself. I love running just because it is running. The reason this season sucked is because I was mentally exhausted from beating myself up so much. I'm tired of that.
Connor and I are doing really well.. We had a kinda big fight the other day, but that is to be expected.. They happen sometimes. Especially when I am at his house practically 3/4 of the break. His mom and I butt heads a lot, so that puts a strain on our relationship when we are around each other so much, especially now that she does not have a job. The good news is that Conrad and I worked it out, and we are happy as ever. I can't wait to get back to Starkville, though, where I will finally feel comfortable in my home.
Eating- wow.. all over the charts..
Some days are great. I eat well-balanced meals.. no restricting, just trying to give my body what it wants and NEEDS.
Other days I start off bad and end worse.. It's like just because I ate a dove chocolate at breakfast, that means I must finish the night gorging on Nutella or cookies or whatever.. so dumb.
Some days I THINK I'm doing well, but I get to the end of the night and realize that I am at 1000 calories.. Connor then gets angry. I get defensive. I say it's okay cuz I need to lose weight, anyway!
But yea.. I know, not cool.
Connor has been asking me how my day (of eating) has been every night at 8:30 for the past week now.
At first it made it even worse.. I don't know how that's possible, but I binged right from the start.
Now I have gotten much better.
I'm trying to figure out what it is about these foods, these times, these emotions that cause me to want to gorge myself on unhealthy foods..
I am definitely making progress, and I am honestly very proud of myself.
One thing I am definitely not proud of is my body and my fitness right now, but like I said, I am working on those things, and I am trying to accept where I am right NOW.
Family- I miss my mom.. I haven't spoken with her since before my grandmother's accident. She used to call so often. Now I get a call maybe once a week. It saddens me. It shouldn't really, considering that I ignore every single call.. It's actually selfish of me to wish her to continue calling, yet I do.
I know she loves me so much, and I wish I could just call and tell her that I love her, too, in case she has her doubts..
But I know I can't without getting caught up in all of her drama. And who knows if she is sober today.. who knows if she'll believe me, that depending on whether or not she is doped up.. It's a lose-lose.
I am also worried for my sister.. She seems to be drinking a lot, and with my family's history that is not something to play around with.. She is nothing like me. This is both a good and a bad thing. I wish she had more drive when it comes to planning her future. She should be in college or at least planning a career. Instead she is working at a semi fast food place while partying every other night. I just want more for her because she deserves more and she CAN do more.
My brother needs love and guidance, and I'm not there to give it to him. I wish I was, but I'm not. And when I do talk to him I feel like he doesn't listen to anything I am saying. He doesn't want to. Maybe I'm too late. Maybe I'm like the preacher advocating abstinence when I have slept with a nun.. I don't know.
My dad's good. He loves me so much. And I love him, too. I wish I was around more for him, but he doesn't say much to me when I'm there.. We have a history, and when things happen to make him scream and get angry, it reminds me of how it used to be with us, which makes me want to flee.. But I know that he has changed, and so have I. He's a good man. Not many men can say that they raised three kids on their own, with seriously no help. Plus, I do. I just love him, not just because I have to.
Okay, anyway.. I have rambled on and on.
Time for bed. I leave for Starkville in the morning.
Too many thoughts going on in here.
I pray each and every one of you start out the new year great.
My dad has always told me, "Nobody can MAKE you anything.. happy, sad, mad, etc.. Other people do things, and you have the ability to CHOOSE how to react." It's something to think about..
If this is case, remember that we choose happiness. So do it, choose it, be it.
Love,
Haley
I'm not going to comment on religious beliefs...just believe what you think is worth believing in.
ReplyDelete7:30 pace is not even my easy run pace. I know pros that run 8:00min on their recovery days. I start the day off with dove chocolate, its a need. I don't feel bad for doing it...heck I'm up at 4:00am when half the world is asleep! Don't be so hard on yourself. I know that is easier said than done. Its ok to fall off the wagon every once in a while, its when we get back on that matters. No one is expecting XX:XX time from you this year, just put the effort in and see what happens. Don't worry about being perfect, just be Haley that works hard, that gives a shit, and that's bad ass.
Good luck. - M
Haley, I think you're going to be amazed at how much you life is better when you can finally step away from the running world, without the pressure of having left it (ie injury). I'm a completely different person away from a team and doing things on my own terms. You won't be constantly surrounded by the skinny-mini's, which only adds to the pressure of wanting to be small.
ReplyDeleteHOWEVER... enjoy your time with the team and everything that goes along with it. You'll never have anything like it once your collegiate days are over. Having a team there for you every day is unique and special. Embrace all that you DO have. And remember, it's just running.
Way to be bold in your faith and honest about your struggles. Remember: Jesus gives us so much GRACE so you should give yourself some of that too :)
ReplyDeleteI love the Dixie Chicks. They were also my favorite growing up. I had a poster on my closet hah. It's so great to see you blogging, I also need to do that soon. With break, you just want to enjoy every second and forget about other things. It's good to know you are being strong with every point or struggle in your life. I have also gone through a lot in the last few weeks but the world works in mysterious ways and it all works out or has a reason in the end. It's track season which means I will see you soon. Not sure when though but I cannot wait!!
ReplyDeleteAngel, I love you so much and I am so proud of you for being so open here.
ReplyDeleteYou have such great strength within you.
I know that I have certain things in my life that if they don't go well, I don't.
But I have also learnt to separate myself from those things and myself.
You are doing this, it is a very long process and you have a LOT going on.
So try to cut yourself a break and realise you are fighting so hard <3
What you believe is what you believe.
ReplyDeleteI'm missing my mom too, except she's still here. She had a massive stroke last year and can't hear her cell phone, can't talk on the phone very long, etc. So instead of talking to her at least 3 or 4 times during the week, I only get to talk to her when she accidently dials me, or when dad calls from her room at the nursing home, or when we visit. Its' really hard to listen to people talk about their parents and doing stuff with them when I can't do anything like that.
I'm sorry that your mom can't seem to get her act together. That has to be hard to have someone you love but can't be with/around in your life.
My husband thinks I am wearing my heart rate monitor incorrectly. I get abrasions under my left side area where it hooks. I hate that problem last weekend, it was pretty much healed, went and ran with it Saturday and it's worse than before. I thought GLIDE was suppose to help? sigh.
And LISTEN TO YOUR DAD. My grandmother always said, "Focus on what you CAN do, not on what you cannot do". You control your own destiny, not anyone else's. You control how you react to someone, not someone else (unless they're massive manipulators/passive/aggressive people and then we don't need them in our lives at all!).
Haley,
ReplyDeleteWe are all imperfect in comparison to Him, but He loves us anyways. Don't ever forget Grace, and how Jesus is able to grant it to us despite our imperfections. I agree with Corrie, when she says not to forget to give yourself some lovin' and grace. I can't stress enough how distancing myself from 'competition' has helped me recover. I used to be a gym rat, and would continually compare myself to other girls at the gym. It pushed my competitiveness to an unhealthy boundary, and pushed my self esteem over the edge. You're sweet daddy is right, the only person you can control is you. I now exercise when I WANT TO, which means I won't make myself wake up early to fit in a run but rather wait 'til later in the day and I'm really craving the fresh air and asphalt under my feet. I think Connor texting you at night is a good thing, use it to motivate yourself. Because of course you don't want to make him disappointed. You want to make him proud of how HEALTHY you're being.
This is my New Year's quote, I think it fits. Especially with the race analogy!!!!
Philippians 3:13-14
No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven. (NLT)
Haley,
ReplyDeleteWe are all imperfect in comparison to Him, but He loves us anyways. Don't ever forget Grace, and how Jesus is able to grant it to us despite our imperfections. I agree with Corrie, when she says not to forget to give yourself some lovin' and grace. I can't stress enough how distancing myself from 'competition' has helped me recover. I used to be a gym rat, and would continually compare myself to other girls at the gym. It pushed my competitiveness to an unhealthy boundary, and pushed my self esteem over the edge. You're sweet daddy is right, the only person you can control is you. I now exercise when I WANT TO, which means I won't make myself wake up early to fit in a run but rather wait 'til later in the day and I'm really craving the fresh air and asphalt under my feet. I think Connor texting you at night is a good thing, use it to motivate yourself. Because of course you don't want to make him disappointed. You want to make him proud of how HEALTHY you're being.
This is my New Year's quote, I think it fits. Especially with the race analogy!!!!
Philippians 3:13-14
No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven. (NLT)
I hope you are choosing happiness today, Haley. I am wishing you all the best as a person and as a runner this spring.
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong Haley and you have come so far. <3 I'm glad you're trying to tone down criticism on yourself, because you are dealing with a lot right now, doing your best, and moving forward in all areas of your life despite the obstacles. I love your dad's quote about choosing happiness- it's very powerful and I agree- no matter what life throws at us, we get to choose how to react, if it is going to break us or if we are going to pick ourselves up and move forward. Never forget how strong you are. Thinking of you and here if you ever want to talk! You have my number and u can always contact me via e-mail or facebook. *hugs*
ReplyDelete