Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Mother's Day, every day, without a mom

So tonight my roommates and I were enjoying our study-break time together during this stressful week of final exams, and the topic of mothers came up when my roommate Cat mentioned her mother's constant facebook updates about her daughter.. Two other roommates had similar stories about their moms displaying their pride in their daughters via the world wide web, as well..
Lots of mother talk ensued, followed by family talk...

It felt just like the Mother's Days we used to have in Elementary school.. the ones where we would make some cutesy craft or picture for our moms and show them when they all came in to take a group picture with us..
There were several times like that.. Teachers would send home a permission sheet, and they would tell us to ask our moms to sign it; moms would come in to read to the class; moms volunteered to work in the school clinic.. My dad worked full time as well as being the single parent of three, and he couldn't do all of that school volunteer stuff. I probably wouldn't have wanted him to, anyway. I love my dad very much, but it was the principle of having a mom there that I missed. And that's what it felt like tonight.. I wished I had the memories like they do, good ones, to speak of.

I have always had a mother, but never a mom..
I have had a few brief moments, but never the real thing.. Snapshots of my brother, sister, and I visiting several different rehab centers; birthday cards on most that she missed, always telling me she was getting better and would be home soon; the few on and off months she lived with us, catching her drunk upstairs with my younger brother in the room trying to make her stop; I even had almost 2 years of sobriety with her.. 2 years that I will never forget.. But all of these moments were ruined with one sip.

To this day, I still am unsure if it is the disease or the choosing of alcohol and drugs over us that has caused her absence in my life..

I miss having a mom.. I know I have moms in my life, specifically Connor's, who take such great care of me and love me dearly, but it is not the same..

Sadly, I don't even know where my own mother is or what she is doing.. Is she still in jail? Is she out? Why am I getting phone calls from both inside and outside prison, then? I don't answer, so I have no way of knowing..
I can't answer. It hurts to talk to her. (But doesn't it hurt just as much to ignore?)

She put my grandmother in the hospital this time. Mama Sissy had to have surgery, and she'll probably stay in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. My mother strangled and hurt my aunt, her sister. And of course she said and did the same awful things that she does every. single. time. she is under the influence of alcohol and cocaine.
I can't just let that go.

My mother always comes at me with, "Haley, you know what it's like to have a problem.. to have an addiction, you have one too.. you can't judge me."
And that tears me up so bad.. she knows that it does.
It makes me feel like I'm just like her when I want so badly not to be.

I don't know what to do anymore.
I want to be there for her. I want her to know how loved she is, because I truly do love her with every fiber of my being, otherwise I would have given up on her long, long ago.
But the hurt is so heavy now.. heavier than ever before.
Talk of mothers hasn't cut so deeply since I was 7 years old and my mother had just recently left us..
And now, 14 years later, I have reached the point at which I am finally letting her go.

I love you Mom. I haven't given up; I just can't have my heart ripped to pieces to be half-stitched back together one more time..
<3 Haley


  1. Your strength is so inspiring. God has such big plans for your life Haley, and even though you may not realize you're doing it, you are exactly where you should be... moving forward in the right directions. Even if they are painful. I'm so glad I have found such a good friend in you. I'm blessed to know you.

  2. Angel you are so amazing <3
    I don't know how hard this must feel...
    My aunt is a sever alcoholic and we are literally waiting for her to die as she in no way will help herself.
    It is so awful to watch and ultimately the only way I could cope was to cut her out too.
    You need to work on you, and that has to matter more right now.
    Maybe at some point in the future, when you feel strong enough, you could have some sort of relationship with her.
    I love you so so much <3

  3. This post speaks to me.

    I used to feel the same way when it comes to my parents. I really struggled with accepting my parents especially my mom for not being the parents I wanted them to be. My dad was an alcoholic then got sober but placed his sobriety into other addiction. My mom had her eating disorder and ... I was never able to really relate with anybody when they spoke about great relationships with their parents.

    Now, I am in the place where I have let go about Dad....& still am working with my mom. It is harder with Mom because of our eating disorders feeding each other.

    I agree with Sia. FOCUS on you, not your mom. It is easier said than done though.

    At least you have people including me who gets it.


  4. I hate this for you so much! I can't imagine what all you have had to go through and I hate that you still have to go through it. You are so strong and are such an incredible girl despite not having the nurture and care of your mom. I just read this morning in 2 Corinthians 1 that God comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others. Not only is He working in your life through this, but He will also use you in others' lives as well because of all this. And remember that He works everything out for our good and His glory if we love Him. No matter what people do to you, you are always in His hands! I love you so much!

  5. Haley,
    I'm so sorry. I am sending you so many hugs and lots of love.

    You are so strong!!

    Lots of love,

  6. i know nothing can cover your feelings for your mom and pain you have right now, but i am sending a lot of hugs and much love on your way.

    you are amazingly wonderful lovely girl Haley. and you are stronger than you think.

    Love you Haley!!!

    Megumi :)

  7. What a story. Thank goodness for your wonderful father and your strong spirit. Don't ever let your mother trick you into believing you are like her. You have shown time and time again that you can succeed, persevere, love, improve, conquer, and admit when you need to change. None of those qualities sound like they belong to the addictive personality that it sounds like your mother has.

    Keep writing! I love when you do.

  8. You are the embodiment of Courage Haley. Prayers and love to you!

  9. What painful memories and loss. I'm sorry that you have suffered. I can tell the same story about my dad, and understand how much it hurts to miss out on a parent. I'm sending {{{HUGS}}}

  10. Haleyyyyy. Guess who started their own blog? Ya, you can find me over at https://raceready.wordpress.com/

    As for you and your mom, don't worry about whether she knows you love her. She does! She also loves you, even if she can't show her love right now. I am sure she would not want you to do anything that makes you suffer, so if you can't communicate with her right now then you don't need to feel pressured to do so. Keep your chin up and stay the incredibly strong and beautiful person you are!

  11. Oh Hayley I'm so sorry you went through all this. You are strong, and have so much courage.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you lovely!

  12. My heart aches reading your post. However, you are a strong person with all you have done!

    Loving a person does not mean accepting them or even maintaining contact with them. Sometimes, it's better to set the caustic people away from us as they will always try to bring us down with them.


  13. "My mother always comes at me with, "Haley, you know what it's like to have a problem.. to have an addiction, you have one too.. you can't judge me."
    And that tears me up so bad.. she knows that it does.
    It makes me feel like I'm just like her when I want so badly not to be."

    Ah, but Haley, the simple fact that you have written this post and continue to work on your recovery every single day makes you not like her. You fight through your urges and yeah you slip sometimes but you do all you can to stand back up and not hurt the other people in your life in the process. You are not like her...that is a guilt trip. My mom has issues with binge eating and has told me before that I am "just like her" as well which has really screwed with my mind and sense of self-trust...but it's not true. I am anorexic, yes I have binged before but I am not my mom and my disease is not the same as hers. Your disease is not the same as your mom's either, even if the symptoms were exactly the same the diseases would be different. You ALWAYS have the choice of who you want to be and how you want to interact in life, there is not such thing as being destined to be your mother. You are destined to be HALEY, whoever that may be! :)

    I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I really can't imagine how painful it is. If you ever need anyone to talk to don't hesitate to message me!