Friday, July 13, 2012

Convoluted

I feel like I have more emotions in me than I can handle.
I don't really know how to describe how I'm feeling these days.
On one hand I am very happy. I have the best friends in the world, and this summer I am learning more about myself than ever before.
On the other, I feel so lonely. But more than that I feel unworthy and incompetent. 
I broke up with who I thought to be the love of my life at the beginning of March. I started dating someone else at the end of April. Too soon. But that's how things worked out. Anyway, I was hurt in that relationship. It ended a few weeks ago. I think I had too high of expectations. I was expecting him to be the next Connor. Definitely not Connor because Connor is not what I want or need right now. But I guess I wanted him to fall in love with me, and me him. But things didn't work out that way. He was very fickle and shallow with letting me in and showing affection towards me. Not what I wanted or deserved.
So that ended.. and a couple weeks later I went out a couple times with this guy my best friend set me up  with. Thought there might have been something there. Again, he wasn't good enough.
At this point I realize that I need to stop seeking affections from others and start giving and getting them from myself. But it's hard when I hate (part of) myself this much.

I hate stupid eating disorders.
I hate that I am afraid to run because I am afraid of getting it back.
I hate that I still have one. Or two, really.

I have always defined myself as a runner. And I love that. But lately every time I get really into running I also get deep in anorexia thoughts and behaviors. And that's not what I want.

My coach called a couple of weeks ago and I admitted all of this to him. I told him that my brain has tied my anorexia with my running, and it is SO hard to separate these two.

I went out for a run the other day and sought to find out my pace for the first time all summer. Each mile it told me I was running 8:15 pace. Each mile I thought how slow I am and how I shouldn't eat the next day.

As I sit here writing, tears streaming down my face, I realize how stupid this all sounds.
I want to run so badly. But at the same time I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't explain the fear and anxiety and everything mixed in with it.

I don't know for sure, but I think I weigh now more than I ever have before. A mix of some late night drinking, a binge here and there, and eating whatever I feel like just to say FUCK YOU ED.
And these calorie-consuming actions bring me temporary satisfaction. But then I am sad. For so long.
I was once defined by being a tiny, fast runner.

Now, who am I? Every time I run into someone I haven't seen in a while I hear, "How is running going?" And I don't know what to say. 
"Hmm... it's good. I run less than every other day. But yea.. *change of subject*" No. I can't say that. That makes me seem lazy and worthless. 
Do I lie? No, because people can obviously tell I'm not running like I should be. Or else I would have a thinner face, arms, legs.
So I'm stuck at a crossroads.
I feel like Ana is calling to me, and her voice sounds so sweet and beautiful right about now.

Anyway, these are my thoughts. This is my life, at least the depressing part. I do have many ups, but right now I am writing about my struggles.

I'm going for a run tonight. Hopefully ten miles. Hopefully Ana leaves me alone. Hopefully.

5 comments:

  1. haley, it's not about how fast you run or how good others percieve you to be. you know that we will always be here for you: we're your team, your family, your friends. we will stick by your side through it all. we've been through so much together.

    i know it can be hard because we define ourselves by what we do: run. but instead, we need to focus on WHO we are, not WHAT we do. we are children of God, we are caring, we are loving, we are beautiful, we are giving, we are accepting, we are outgoing, we are bubbly, we are affectionate, we are passionate, we are dedicated, we are independent yet dependent, we are encouragers, we are good students, we are daughters, we are sisters, we are animal lovers, we are creative, we are bookworms, and we like to run.

    running is nothing more than a lifestyle, it does (or shouldn't) define us, it is not the end all be all to WHO we are. just as running doesn't define you, NEITHER DOES ANOREXIA. you ARE NOT ana's slave. YOU ARE HALEY. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE ALL THOSE THINGS I MENTIONED ABOVE.

    hang in there my bubbly, fun circuit partner. i can't wait to see you come august. i love you so much, i am a phone call away.

    hugs my friend.

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  2. You remind me so much from when I was your age. I remember when I was in the very same boat (minus running). I dated different boys, hoping to find the one that I had lost in them, and only to get hurt repeatedly.

    Then I realized that what I was doing was not working out. So I took a long break from dating (well if you consider the whole summer of 3 months a long break, ha ha). It was really worth it.

    I'd suggest you do same for yourself. :) Just take a break from dating and have fun!

    I love Renee's comment about running and I second her statement. You are beautiful, amazing, inspiring, and AWESOME!

    XXX

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  3. Haley,
    I've never commented before but I've read almost your whole blog and I just wanted to let you know that I think you are one of the most inspirational people I've ever come across. You've had so many things thrown your way in life and not only have you come out a beautiful, fun-loving individual but you continue to battle through every single hurdle. I ran track and cross in college and have actually raced at one of your home meets. I've seen you run too and you're just phenomenal. All the negatives in life don't define who we are, it's our reactions to those negatives that does. You are stunning inside and out. Remember that.

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  4. Hey Haley—I have also never commented but I've been reading your blog for a while and just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear that you're having a hard time. It WILL get better, even though that can be hard to see sometimes. It really sucks that the relationship didn't work out, but you don't ever need someone else to make you feel worthy. You aren't just running, you aren't just anorexia, and you aren't just a girlfriend. You're such a strong, smart, beautiful person and you can get though this. Thinking of you!

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  5. Hi Haley,
    I know you don't know me and I don't know you but I've read a lot of your blog. Just wanted to say I'm really proud of you. Iknow exactly what you're going through (except I didn't run in college!) eating disorders and exercise guilt, etc are really tricky things to heal and you're making the most mature and healthy decision you can. And Renee is right, she's a smart girl :) you are beautiful and strong! Your hair looks great both long and short, now that's a hard rest to pull off haha

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