I don't really know how to describe how I'm feeling these days.
On one hand I am very happy. I have the best friends in the world, and this summer I am learning more about myself than ever before.
On the other, I feel so lonely. But more than that I feel unworthy and incompetent.
I broke up with who I thought to be the love of my life at the beginning of March. I started dating someone else at the end of April. Too soon. But that's how things worked out. Anyway, I was hurt in that relationship. It ended a few weeks ago. I think I had too high of expectations. I was expecting him to be the next Connor. Definitely not Connor because Connor is not what I want or need right now. But I guess I wanted him to fall in love with me, and me him. But things didn't work out that way. He was very fickle and shallow with letting me in and showing affection towards me. Not what I wanted or deserved.
So that ended.. and a couple weeks later I went out a couple times with this guy my best friend set me up with. Thought there might have been something there. Again, he wasn't good enough.
At this point I realize that I need to stop seeking affections from others and start giving and getting them from myself. But it's hard when I hate (part of) myself this much.
I hate stupid eating disorders.
I hate that I am afraid to run because I am afraid of getting it back.
I hate that I still have one. Or two, really.
I have always defined myself as a runner. And I love that. But lately every time I get really into running I also get deep in anorexia thoughts and behaviors. And that's not what I want.
My coach called a couple of weeks ago and I admitted all of this to him. I told him that my brain has tied my anorexia with my running, and it is SO hard to separate these two.
I went out for a run the other day and sought to find out my pace for the first time all summer. Each mile it told me I was running 8:15 pace. Each mile I thought how slow I am and how I shouldn't eat the next day.
As I sit here writing, tears streaming down my face, I realize how stupid this all sounds.
I want to run so badly. But at the same time I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't explain the fear and anxiety and everything mixed in with it.
I don't know for sure, but I think I weigh now more than I ever have before. A mix of some late night drinking, a binge here and there, and eating whatever I feel like just to say FUCK YOU ED.
And these calorie-consuming actions bring me temporary satisfaction. But then I am sad. For so long.
I was once defined by being a tiny, fast runner.
Now, who am I? Every time I run into someone I haven't seen in a while I hear, "How is running going?" And I don't know what to say.
"Hmm... it's good. I run less than every other day. But yea.. *change of subject*" No. I can't say that. That makes me seem lazy and worthless.
Do I lie? No, because people can obviously tell I'm not running like I should be. Or else I would have a thinner face, arms, legs.
So I'm stuck at a crossroads.
I feel like Ana is calling to me, and her voice sounds so sweet and beautiful right about now.
Anyway, these are my thoughts. This is my life, at least the depressing part. I do have many ups, but right now I am writing about my struggles.
I'm going for a run tonight. Hopefully ten miles. Hopefully Ana leaves me alone. Hopefully.