Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Self mutilation through a haircut

Last night I was feeling pretty depressed.. dunno why. Lots of reasons I guess. But I had done the things that usually make me feel successful and happy. I had run ten miles yesterday and lifted weights. I had eaten healthy.. A bit too healthy if anything, a bit too restrictive.
So around 1 A.M. I was bored and couldn't sleep. I was hungry and decided to have a skinny cow ice cream. One turned to another, which lead to me getting out the peanut butter and yogurt=go to binge foods.
A binge? but not really.. I ate past the point of being full but not to the extreme like I have in the past. This is how my 'binges' have been this summer. Maybe because I have been wayyyy more lax about my diet, so the off-limit things don't call to me like they once did.

Anyway, I have this nasty habit of putting gum behind my ear and as I was putting my hands through my hair last night (after the binge) I noticed that my hair was stuck to a piece of gum I hadn't even realized I had put there, (gross, I know). Soooo I had to cut off a lock of hair. I texted my friend saying how great that felt to cut off my hair and that I felt like doing it to my whole head. She told me to go for it. And I did.

Only I don't think it was a healthy way to go about getting a haircut. Just like restricting, binging, cutting, or any other form of self harm, this was destructive. It was done in a way that screams CRAZY. Kinda like the Britney song *get it? cuz she shaved her head ;)*
It was 3 A.M. I had just journaled and made a video about how gross I feel with my body and my eating habits, etc.. I was cutting my hair to relieve my stress, and some may not see what is so wrong with this, but I know that it was not a good way to go about it.

I need to develop coping mechanisms to use in these situations. I'm tired of overeating. Of not running just because I'm afraid. Afraid of being bad at what is supposed to define me as a person, getting ED back, not being good enough. So very tired of it all. So very tired of hating my body, and by extension, myself.
Me right after the crazy
Everyone knows I'm battling myself. And I feel like I'm losing just as much as I win. Like I'm not making any progress.

I have so much left to say, but I'll end it here.


  1. At least you recognize that what you did isn't necessarily progressive. That's a very important step that most people never even get to. And that's probably why you are so conflicted - you know right from wrong, but you don't necessarily know how to do the right thing. Hang in there Haley, alot of people are rooting for you and believing in you. Don't stop trying to figure things out; peace will find you before you know it. Much love and many prayers <3

  2. I just want to give you a hug and want you to know how much I appreciate you continuing to fight and write about it because it helps so many of us. xoxo

  3. I've cut my hair like this 3 times during my eating disorder. Amazing how people can be so similar. I did it at night, craving a new me. Promising myself that once the hair was gone I would change, no more diets, no more bingeing, a healthy -fresh me!

  4. I have done that many times before, ended up breaking down and shaving off my almost waist length hair, feeling that I deserved to be ugly.