Only human

I am a human. I make mistakes. I gossip. I judge. I can be hypocritical.

I don't have everything figured out.

I look for love in the wrong places. I end up hurt or used or left stranded. Or just the opposite.. I use, I leave, I hurt.

I often feel like I have to be so strong for others, but now I am feeling weak.

I escape into books and poems and movies and music because sometimes these stories are easier than the life I have made for myself.

Maybe this is how it is for everyone. Maybe not.
But I need to stay on these escapades just a little longer.
My heart needs a break.

"What a difference a year makes.."

So ya know how people say 'What a difference a year makes'?
The past few months when I have seen or heard that phrase, I have sadly thought, yea.. it sure does.
A year ago I was running fast times on a team with the only people I had really known in college, I was in love with a serious boyfriend, my family wasn't in the financial situation we now face, and I wasn't freaking out about being accepted to a PhD clinical psychology program.
So I obviously chose to focus on the positive aspects of my past and the negative situations of the present when confronted with this statement.

However, this past weekend I was in the Appalachian Mountains of West Virginia with an environmental group called "Mountain Justice", and I had a good bit of time to think about things.

The cycle of life for a tree is so beautiful.

First of all, this time last year I was not at all involved in any type of environmental movement. I was vice president of Earth Club in high school, and I have always recycled and urged others to do so, but I haven't done much at all in my college years to help with preserving this beautiful earth we live on.
That has changed over the course of just a couple months. I have gone to two environmental conferences, and I am really passionate about Students for a Sustainable Campus, our club at school. I have met so many awesome people from it, and I feel like I'm standing for something that really means something and can possibly change the world. I feel whole when I'm engaging in activism, and I love it.

Fellow environmentalists just hanging out in the mountains :)

Another key difference between this year and last year is the fact that a once overwhelming fear of food is now completely diminished, and with that the fear of living life to it's fullest!
At the summit this past weekend they served things like diced potatoes and eggs for breakfast, sandwiches and fruit for lunch, rice with lentils and greens for supper, and pumpkin pie for dessert. And being true to my character as a food lover, I had first and sometimes second helpings of all of them.

However, even last year at this time I would have been very anxious eating most of this food because while it may be 'healthy', it is not low-calorie or 'diet friendly'. And for so long that was how I lived.
Even in recovery, I bought 100-calorie english muffins rather than the whole wheat english muffins that were a mere 20 extra calories. Not until this summer was I able to say, *excuse the obscene language here* What the fuck am I doing?! What does it matter that this piece of bread is 120 calories rather than 100? It is better for me and it TASTES better!

Anyway, things like that held me back for three years. If I had gone to this conference any other time in my college career I would have hung back when they rang the bell for meal time.. I would not have been okay with stopping at Burger King on the way home because we were running late for our bus and that was the only food available by the gas station.. And most of all I would have spent all of this time preoccupied with the stupid, completely invalid idea that I do not deserve to eat like the rest of the population, thereby crawling deeper and deeper into these self-destructive thoughts and behaviors.

On the way to WV :)

So yea, I have much to be proud of in regards to this past year. I have opened myself up to all kinds of experiences. I left the only social circle and life that I knew. I have met new people, most of them wonderful. I have allowed myself to love and receive love in return, and sometimes I ended up hurt, but that's all part of living.
You see, it took completely leaving my eating disorder behind to accomplish all of this, and I have not once regretted my decision to recover.

As for the stressful situations lingering over me these days, what are they compared to what I have gone through (kicking a mental disorder's ASS in order to win my life back)? I'd say not much.. :)

xoxo

A friend's suicide attempt

One of my best friends tried to commit suicide yesterday.

She called last night to tell me this news and that she is going to a rehab center in her home state (hundreds of miles from me).

As soon as I got off the phone, I was a total wreck.. couldn't eat or move.. just totally numb.

She texted me this morning before she left for rehab saying, 

"I am safe now and will recover. You're my best friend Haley, I love you. I want to get better so I'll be alive and able to come see you and take you out and smile and take pictures in person."

I want all of those things for her, too. I cannot describe to you how much I want those things.

I feel like a piece of my heart is missing. This girl is the most gorgeous, intelligent, witty, unique, and creative person I have ever come across. It's so hard for me to come up with a reason for all of the sadness that has been dwelling inside her these past few weeks. She didn't deserve any of it.

One of my favorite poems by Mary Oliver

All day, guilt has overcome me whenever I catch myself smiling or laughing, while this beautiful friend of mine is struggling.

However, I know that she wouldn't want me to be sad. Honestly, she would probably be upset with me for putting my life on hold for something like this. But I can't help my aching heart.

I just wish I was with her. I wish I could hug her so tightly that she could actually feel the love I have for her emanating from my insides.

I don't know what else to say right now.. other than I am happy each of you are alive to be reading this. Life is a precious gift, not to be wasted worrying over things that won't matter a lifetime, or even a year, from now.

I'm going to continue living mine, for myself and for my friend.

P.S. Greg Laswell's song 'Comes and Goes' is very relevant and has been in my head all day. Maybe you'll enjoy it as much as I do.

xoxo

Changing me, changing blog. For the good! :)

This blog has changed so much as time has elapsed.
It started as my recovery blog. I wrote on my own anorexic thoughts and behaviors that were apparent to me, and I tried to correct and/or eliminate them.
Somehow I gained a group of followers, mostly from the eating disorder community, and we all made the transition to recovery together. *Btw, this group of people was and continues to be tremendously influential in my life and journey towards recovery*
As time wore on, I noticed changes in myself, specifically when it came to my mental and physical health.
I was no longer numb, hiding behind my skeletal frame and the abundance of nutrition-based knowledge I had attained.
I became exposed to the world as is.. No, it's not all morning sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows. But the real world also doesn't come close to resembling the dark, bleak prison my mind had become with anorexia.

I don't really know where to insert these random, recent pictures. So they'll just kinda be scattered throughout.
Anyway, an old picture from summer vacation, but it was great :)

As I progressed in recovery, I noticed things that once interested me no longer had the same effect.
While I once watched food network (and just thought of food) constantly, I now hardly turn on the television, let alone watch any show having to deal with food or health. *Exception: the past few days I have been slightly addicted to the show 'Breaking Bad' which is no bueno considering I'm in the middle of the school year AND grad school applications, but still. It's good stuff. :)*
I also went through exercise compulsion while in the midst of anorexia. However, the fact that I was on the track team allowed for this obsession to be seen as nothing more than extreme dedication to the sport. Compare this exercise routine to the one I have now (which lately has basically been nonexistent) and you would be surprised to learn that I am the same person.

I scream for ice cream, especially when it comes in a 3 gallon tub.

I was also in a very serious relationship throughout my journey of entering and exiting the mindset of a person defined by anorexia and/or binge eating disorder. And there is definitely something to be said about everything I put that boy through. He was the most supportive, loving, and patient boyfriend I could have asked for. But I used my relationship with him as a buffer for the real world. I put everything I had in that relationship, and so when it fell apart, so did I. Yet, after all is said and done, this breakup/breakdown was for the best because it meant that I had to pick myself up and put myself back together in whatever way, shape, or form I pleased.

So these past few years I have been defined by these things: eating, running, and my relationship with my boyfriend. And now that I am finally separated from these things, I feel as if the world has truly opened up for me. I have no limits on who or what I can be. I'm not a runner. I'm not a young woman in a painful battle with herself. I'm not Connor's girlfriend, either. I'm Haley. And I've had to find out who that is.
It's a frightening yet strangely liberating feeling to be the navigator of your own path.

P.s. I love baking. And then eating what I bake ;)

This was supposed to be a short introduction, but of course I've rambled. Anyway, this is all to say that I don't really know what the purpose of this blog is anymore, other than I like to post things from time to time. I don't deal with too many issues with eating these days, and I'm not out running super crazy fast times. So I feel like some of the people that once enjoyed checking my blog to read about these things will no longer care. But that's okay.
I just wanted to point out that I have changed, and my blog is probably going to change with me.

Now, I know I have to play catch up a little bit because some of you want to hear about what's going on in my world these days!
Hmm.. well I am no longer on the track team, as I mentioned in a recent post, but I am still busier than ever! 
I am in a club called Students for a Sustainable Campus, and I was recently elected as Media Team Leader for the group! I am really excited about it. I love the mission of SSC and I feel like our goals are definitely attainable in making Mississippi State a green-friendly campus. :)

My roommate/"biffle" Teresa is also in SSC

I am also writing for LIBERO NETWORK, a not-for-profit online magazine and resource site that brings awareness to and support for those recovering from eating disorders, depression, addiction, anxiety & abuse. I love this organization! I submit 1-2 articles per month, so it's not too big of a commitment, but I feel like I'm doing my small part in the fight against mental illness and abusive thoughts and behaviors. I also manage the tumblr page for Libero, which is no problem since tumblr is basically my favorite thing next to peanut butter and Joseph Gordon-Levitt ;)
*P.s. I am still freaking out about last night's Saturday Night Live episode. I'm not ashamed to say I want to have Joe's babies.*

Along with Libero and SSC, I am in a clinical psychology research lab at school, and I do about ten hours of work per week with various projects in the lab. It's exciting, and it makes me anxious for graduate school next fall!
Speaking of which, the major stressor of this semester has to be the grad school application process. I have decided that I want to get my PhD in Clinical Psychology, specifically studying and working with eating disorders.
I know that many people would be weary of entering an environment focused on eating disorders considering my history, but I feel like it is one of the best decisions I have ever made.
I find so much joy in helping others, and it must be so comforting for those struggling to know that someone has been in their current situation and has come out as the victor. I want to be that person.

Another reason I think it's fine that I am involved in the eating disorder recovery community is because I have finally separated thinking of anything eating disorder related when it comes to my day-to-day life. I have found an identity separate from my eating disorders. Sure, sometimes I remind myself that I am Haley, the recovered anorexic and binge eater. But I am proud of where I come from because it's made me who I am. And for the most part that is the bubbly, smiley, crazy Haley. I am the roommate that laughs too loud when others are trying to do homework or sleep, and that's a problem I am happy to have. *Although I am supposed to be working on my volume control when in these giggling fits ;)*

So that's my mini life update. I hope you find it to your liking. But if not, that's okay, too. :)
<3 Haley

P.s. You can always contact me through facebook or haleylovesgreen@gmail.com if you ever need (or just want) to chat! xoxo

You shouldn't eat that; you'll get fat.

I am very frustrated right now to say the least.

I decided to have a shake for dinner tonight. I have lots to do, and I just didn't feel like cooking anything for myself. So I put some yogurt, soy milk, a banana, spinach, ice, and a scoop of protein powder into the blender and called it a meal!

I was cleaning up while sipping on my shake when a roommate came downstairs. This is the only roommate that does any sports. She was my track teammate, and although I love her, it's times like these that I get very bothered..

She noticed that my protein powder was out and said, "Why do you use whey protein?"

Me: "Cuz this smoothie is my dinner and it needs to fill me up! Plus I haven't really had any protein today."

Roommate: "You know if you don't lift weights that stuff makes you retain fat."

Me: (I hesitate.. topics like this are always very sensitive with me) "Well, whatever. A calorie is a calorie."

Roommate: "No, not really.. I've talked to lots of doctors and trainers and everything about it. You can actually have mine. I don't want it anymore" (points to her container of cookies 'n cream whey)

Me: "Why don't you want it?"

Roommate: "Because it makes you fat! I just said that."

My pandora was playing, and luckily one of my favorite Modest Mouse songs came on and I just zoned out by singing while continuing to clean up.

After a few seconds of her watching me, she said she had to go and I waved goodbye.

It's not just the words she spoke, but the way that she said it that made my skin crawl. She spoke to me as if I am voluntarily making myself fat and SHE knows better than to eat that stuff, so ha!

I am so very close to being completely recovered from all of my eating disorders, it is crazy. But hearing shit like this still sets something off in me.

I went to my room and googled something like, "Does whey protein make you retain fat if you are not working out?"

Mostly I got 'yahoo answers' responses, but from what I gathered it doesn't make you gain weight or fat any more than any other food would. It's basically pure protein, so it is a supplement for your diet if you don't get enough..

I guess the point of this post is that I am freaking tired of hearing things like this.

Why is our society so hell-bent on being the thinnest/losing the most weight/looking the best?

Honestly, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and I weigh more than I have ever weighed.

Taken just now! This is what I look like now. Blonde/pink hair. :P

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, geesh.. you have let yourself go.

But then I remember how far I have come and where I am headed.. I remember the seemingly-eternal hell that I went through in order to make myself 'skinny' and 'fast'.

I just want to let anyone that is struggling with an eating disorder to know that there is such a better life out there for you after recovery, a life of happiness, wholeness, joy. 

I didn't feel anything when I was anorexic.. or when I was really deep in binge eating disorder, really. And who wants to live their life as a numb shell of the person they could be?

It's just that I am so tired of people telling me what I can and cannot do, what I can and cannot eat, etc..

We shouldn't place rules on food.  Food is fuel. And more than that, it is something to savor, taste, love.

I'm done ranting. I know this was all over the place. I am not even going to reread or edit this post. I am just so done with it all.

I'll be writing a more up-to-date/less bitchy post sometime in the near future.

Sending you all my love,

Haley

A Utopic thought: Accepting and loving rather than berating and hating

Well today has been interesting. Not at all eventful, yet I feel like it is far from a wasted day of summer. I have done lots of thinking. I have been asking questions like each one is my last.

I spent the morning journaling, reading, and tumblr-ing. I decided to go to the gym this afternoon to run. I went downstairs to see my family for the first time all day, and as I was about to leave my mom asked me (jokingly, I hope) if she could pay me to have her keep my puppy while I'm away at college. I replied, "No, Mom! You can't buy my love!" 
We all giggled a bit, and then she whined, "But Haley, Riley is helping me with my sobriety!!" 
My response: "Uh, you don't think Riley is a big part of mine, too? She's been with me through so much."
My dad laughs and, loaded with sarcasm, says, "Yea, I can totally see how Riley has helped you.. Let's go to the fridge for proof." 
He points at several pictures of me on the fridge while giving me a look of total mockery and disbelief. He 'jokes', "Hmm.. huge failure here. And here. And here..."

I immediately start tearing up. I have gotten so much better about appreciating my body and realizing I am so much more than outward appearance, but I still struggle with pictures, especially. I choke back the tears, grab my dad's keys, quickly brush past both parents, and slam the door behind me.
I can't hold it in any longer. It's been building up. All the stress, drama, anticipation, worry. I bawl like an idiot in the middle of my driveway.

My mom came outside a couple minutes later saying that my dad was not referring to my weight gain. He was talking about my 'drinking'. 
One of the pictures he pointed to was taken at my best friend's 21st birthday dinner with her parents. We are holding up girly mixed drinks and smiling. My cheeks are chubby. My arms are a little flabby. But I am happy. Let me reemphasize this: BUT I AM HAPPY.

Of course I don't believe her. My dad has made hurtful comments about my weight gain since last summer. I don't expect this time to be any different. I am always on guard for his sharp stabs, painful reminders that I am not the once great runner, and by extension daughter, that I once was to him. 

You see, my dad didn't take the news of my not returning to the track team very well at all. He argued that I'm throwing away my chance of a free college education. He said that he knows that I am going through stuff, but I am ruining the chance of a lifetime. People everywhere wish they had my talent or even the opportunity I was given to run at the college level. 
I see behind all of his arguments, though. I know that he is scared. He has always been known as Haley's dad, the proud parent of a strong, fast, dedicated student athlete. 
Of course I've had tons of other things going for me, but my dad has always been most interested in my sports.
He has never missed a gymnastics tournament, basketball game, soccer match, or cross country or track meet unless he absolutely had no chance of getting there. He has traveled countless hours to watch me compete. And he has paid a good bit of his hard-earned money to watch me succeed. It's his way of connecting with me.

I hate to let down my father and everyone else, but I was just not happy. I am so much more than a runner. I wish some people would open their eyes and see that.

Anyway, apparently my father worries I have a drinking problem now. Although I understand his concern to an extent since alcoholism is quite prevalent in my family, I still find it totally absurd that he would actually think I have a problem. Sure, I have had more alcoholic beverages this summer than ever before, but 'ever before' included never drinking.
Now, ocassionally my friends and I will go out or have a party or go to the lake, and I'll have a couple Blueberry Lemonade Smirnoffs or maybe some chocolate wine. But this by no means indicates that I have a problem; they need not worry.
I don't know why I'm explaining myself here. I know I shouldn't. There really is no need. But yea..

I guess this is all to say that it is interesting how I assumed my dad was referring to my weight- just like I assume anyone who has not seen me in a while is going to be totally shocked and repulsed by my softer, curvier body. Obviously I still have much to work on in terms of insecurities and caring about other people's opinions, especially the negative ones.

Later tonight, my dad came in my room and said that he was not referring to my weight in the pictures. He meant that Riley had not helped my alcohol sobriety. Although I am only drinking in one picture, he says he knew I was drinking at my best friend's wedding, of which there is a picture of me and a fellow bridesmaid beaming while holding our bouquets.
He claims he has never thought I have any sort of problem with alcohol. He knows I am just young and having fun... So I don't know what the deal is. I guess it doesn't matter. I'm leaving soon and won't have to deal with all of this anymore.

It does make me question my logic, though. I worry over a perception of my looks but I don't care so much about someone questioning if I have a problem with alcohol? Kind of messed up.
Seriously. I think, 'Who cares what dad thinks about my drinking? I know I don't have a problem and it really doesn't matter if he agrees.'
I wish I could be so 'screw you' when it comes to my body image. Really though, who cares if I've gained some weight? I've battled two (TWO!) eating disorders and have come out stronger for it.
I wish people's thoughts and words did not affect me. But they do, and I worry.
So in response to that, I will share the words of the astoundingly brilliant Eleanor Roosevelt: "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do."

We are all so caught up in our own actions, thoughts, and feelings, especially the negative ones. We find it hard to see the good in our own person. But for others it is just the opposite. If we could all just take a step back and see ourselves for what we truly are the world would be a much happier place.

I'll leave it at that. Except I'll add this link. It's a beautiful article written by a strong and brave woman. I was inspired. I hope you will be, too. CLICK HERE!
<3 

A note for tumblr's 'thinspo and pro-ana' community

I am so tired of pro-anorexia bullshit. Everywhere. I just saw something on tumblr that really pisses me off. *For those of you that don't know, tumblr is another blog site, mainly consisting of still and moving pictures and quotes*. Anyway, I thought I would share my frustration with this blog. 

This is something I just posted to my tumblr. I doubt it will get 1/10 of the 'posts' that the original post will receive, but I don't care. I will be happy if even one person reads what I have to say and knows that you don't have to be a size zero to be beautiful.

So here it is. In the pink.

A quote that came across my tumblr dashboard (reblogged multiple times):

“YOU WILL be thin. You will be happy. You will wear bikinis. You will be the skinny one. You will have that gap. You will have that flat stomach. You will not be ashamed of your body. You will be beautiful. You will weigh less. You will eat less. You will exercise more. You will do what it takes. You will KEEP GOING.”

You WILL BE beautiful?? Am I the only one who sees what’s wrong with this picture? Why are you only beautiful and confident if you have a thigh gap and a flat stomach??

You will eat less? OH YAY!! I cannot wait to eat less! Life goal, complete. I am now totally self-fulfilled and completely happy, now that the number on the scale defines me as beautiful and thin. Because apparently those all go hand in hand. Thin=happy, beautiful, confident, healthy, strong. How ridiculous and pathetic.

Side note for those of you that reblog the aforementioned quote thinking that this seems like a healthy mindset and way of life: this post was made from a pro-anorexia blog. So just take a minute and think that over. I don’t think a mental illness will make you any happier. Just sayin’.

I know it seems a little harsh, but I was upset. I am tired of the photoshopping and the idealizing of unrealistic Victoria's Secret bodies. Maybe it's just me, but I find 'normal' or 'curvy' women so much more attractive.

I'm not saying that skinny people cannot be beautiful, too. They can, and they are-if they are healthy. But to say that these are the only beautiful people is outrageous and abominable.

P.s. This is a 'plus size' model.
Society is so messed up.


But I love you all <3