Mom relapsed; I'm hurting.

I'm going through a rough time right now..

I set up my voicemail on my Iphone Monday night, and all of a sudden I had 14 new voicemails.. Oops.

Two of them were from my mother.

She left one towards the end of August and one on September 3rd..

The September 3rd voicemail was left from the number that she used to call me on when she relapsed.. some 751 number with music playing in the background.. my heart stopped..

I was already texting my dad, so I text him asking about Mom..

"Where's Mom? I just realized I haven't talked to her in forever.. Did she relapse?"

Dad responds saying that yes, she did relapse, and she is at Lakeside Hospital in the drug and alcohol center.. 

My heart hurts. I try to be strong, asking, "Why didn't anyone tell me? When did she relapse? When will she get out of Lakeside?"

Dad pretty much tells me that he didn't tell me because he knows how I worry and try to take her burdens on myself.

I know he's right, but I'm still upset.

I'm not a child; I deserve to know what's going on..

So Wednesday morning we had a workout, and of course I sucked it uuupppp.

We did a 1200 on a flat/downhill course with 90 seconds rest and then ran a 400 uphill pretty fast with 4 minutes rest before the next 1200. We did 5 reps.

I don't know what happened, but my body just wouldn't go.

Mentally, emotionally, physically, I was drained..

I hadn't eaten the best the day before.. 

Tuesday during the day I had way too much pb at lunch.. almost a complete binge.. I guess I would call it a binge, but it wasn't as much as usual.. And then I had a small-ish dinner and went to bed and woke up kinda hungry..

My trainers saw that I was getting dizzy, I was looking like I was about to pass out, and so they continued to shove Peanut butter Gatorade bars down my throat..

Yes, I felt better once I had some food in me, but I still sucked (finished 6th on the team towards the end).. And anyway, I don't think that's the problem..

I feel like I'm letting all of my emotional damage mess with my running..

Mom & I Christmas eve 2010

My dad texted me Wednesday morning worrying about how I was doing, and I replied saying how horrible the workout went.. 

He said that he's not surprised because the mind, body, and soul are all connected, and if one is out of whack it is hard for the others to function properly.. I agree with this concept..

So I've been trying to get back on track, but it's so hard..

I mean, isn't it sad that I didn't talk to my mother for 3 weeks before realizing that we hadn't spoken in a while??

Isn't it sad that the only way I know about my sister is through facebook??

And how pathetic is it that the guys team asked me where she goes to school and I responded saying, "I don't really know.. I think she may be in community college..?"

I know she was trying to get in, but she applied late, so I'm not sure whether it worked out.

I miss her.

We fought all the time in high school, but we're so different and we had so much going on throughout our childhood.. I can't really blame her for acting out against me or anyone else.

And my brother is probably going through so much right now, too.. I can't even imagine how he feels..

I feel disconnected from my family, and it hurts..

But so much s*** happens that sometimes it's easier that way.

Sara, me, Dad, and Reed at my high school graduation, May 2009

My mom called me from some random number Thursday night when I was pulling dinner out of the oven.. I answered and my heart stopped again when I realized it was her on the line..

I could tell she was slightly messed up plus she had been crying, so I told her I couldn't talk right now even though she said she really needed to talk to me..

She asked if she could call me back at 9 that night. I said yes.

But when she called, I saw the number, and I hurt too bad to answer.

What am I supposed to say?

I'm tired of the hurt.

I'm tired of loving her, caring for her, being there for her every time she relapses..

Yet I can't let her go.

I know she loves me.

I don't doubt that for a second.

But I hate her disease.

I hate mine, too.

I hate addiction. I hate this disconnection I feel from her and the world.

At least things with my dad are infinitely better than high school. He is my biggest fan, and I love him so much.

This morning I had an 8 mile tempo run.. 47:17. My teammate Renee did 47:09. We did the last three miles on the track, and with 800 to go she left me but tried to pull me along.

My legs hurt, my body hurt.. I was weak.

I'm worried about this year.

Running-wise, things are much different.. I am not as obsessive over every single mile, but is that a bad thing?

Is obsession/anorexia/making running your life the price that you have to pay to be good?

I'm making B's on all of my tests so far.. I feel overweight..  I don't feel like I'm excelling in anything :/

Yes, overall, I am still happy, and I am loving my life without food/running/being perfect being the center of everything.. but sometimes I miss that on top of the world feeling.

I feel like the world is on top of ME. And the pressure is just too much sometimes.

Okay, so that's a lot to say..

There's a lot of emotion in here.. a lot of things that I haven't addressed or felt in a long time.

But I just needed to get all of this off my chest.

If you read all this, you're a hero, ha.

I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer in this post. Life is good.

It's just hard.

And I find myself being sad without even noticing it..

Connor and I were making dinner last night, and I was chopping the onion.. It made me cry.. I never cry with onions, but I figured this one was just especially potent.. But then Connor looked over at me and said that I actually look sad, like it's not just the onions that are making me cry..

And that's kinda what's been going on lately.. every opportunity I have to be sad, I take it.. I don't want to be, but I just miss my mom and I wish that her actions proved the love that she has for us..

I wish I had more than 6 months of sobriety with her.

Okay, I'll stop writing.

<3 

Late night lab & happy goofiness

Just finished a freaking long lab report for 'Introduction to Food Preparation' class.
It was about sensory evaluation.
What a fun lab, though! Eating gummy bears, mushrooms, pretzels, pineapple, grapes, chocolate, almonds to identify their flavor, texture, aroma, and appearance. Too bad the report wasn't as much fun as the taste testing ;) haha, oh well.
I love nutrition :)

Yummy pasta and bread to fuel my beautiful teammates & I on pre-race day :)

P.s. I won the home meet this weekend! 5k in 17:48.. it wasn't the fastest time, and now I wish I had gone faster in the middle, but oh well! A win is a win! Plus that's 30 seconds faster than last year at this time, so really I shouldn't be complaining.
Also, I am so much happier now than I was a year ago; it's crazy.

My amazing friend/roommate Mollie was just going through her facebook messages, and she came across a message she sent to her mom on September 20th of LAST YEAR in which she was asking her mom to pray 'for her friend Haley who is really having a hard time dealing with her mom situation' and she mentioned that I wasn't eating.. I think that is just so crazy that I am in a completely different place now.

My boo :)

And I am so sososoosososo much happier.
Seriously, I didn't know life could be this good a year ago.
Yea, life sucks sometimes. It's not a birthday party every day. Buuuut, I will take the good with the bad.
Cuz now I'm so goofy and I love it :)

Creepin' in the background ;)

<3 Haley

Back from Neverland :)

Okay, so I doubt anyone even reads this thing anymore!
I mean, when was the last time I posted? Forever ago..
But that is okay! I started this blog for me and ultimately that is what it is about.. my sanity :P

So anywayyyy, life has been good.
Ups and downs, for sure.
But I am happy.
I am experiencing emotion.
I cannot describe in words the change that has overcome me this past year.

I went to see my therapist, Dr. Tatem, yesterday for the first time in quite a while. After a few minutes of us just chatting and catching up, she just stared at me with this weird smile on her face..
I was like, "What?"
And she responded saying that she has never seen me with so much spirit. She said that now, even when describing my worst days, I still have more fire and life than she had ever seen in me before.
She also said that I have grown so much.. Honestly, that is definitely how I would sum up this chapter of my life. It has definitely been about growth and discovering who I am.

No one wants the Haley that was stuck inside of a skeletal body, wishing she could just be alone and not wanting to socialize, eat out, go out with everyone..
They like the one that is dancing on the couch like she's had wayyy too much to drink even though I really have not had a sip!

Eating=living.
Living=letting yourself feel... everything!

Yes, it hurts sometimes, but life is so much better now that I am laughing or crying or angry or whatever!
I am getting to know myself.
I LOVE who I am.

I love this quirky, confident, confused, spunky, outgoing, and crazy girl!

I wasn't ready for the picture.. :) haha, but this is typical Hay + Nay

P.s. Renee, I am stealing pictures from your blog because I am writing this from a computer at school. :P
I'll upload my own soon :)

I love my team!!

So anorexic thoughts definitely comes back to bite me in the butt sometimes; don't get me wrong..
And that ultimately leads to a binge *or multiple binges*..
But I am learning to give my body, mind, and soul everything that it desires because
I deserve that.

Connor and I are still together, and we are more in love than ever. He is my everything.
I am loving Nutrition (my major), and running is going alright, as well. I do wish that I could lose some of this binge weight so that I would be more fit for this season, but it will all come off in due time if it is meant to happen.
My family is the same, my family.. We're distant, and it hurts sometimes, but maybe it's better this way..

I will write again soon with a more detailed post. I just wanted to do a little catch-up. I miss everyone I have met through blogger, and I hope you all have been doing wonderfully!
<3 Haley

Yayyy! I figured out how to blog!

Okay so my school just switched our university email to google mail, and so it wouldn't let me sign onto this google account for some reason. Therefore, no blogging was possible.
Buuuttt I figured out how to switch accounts, and now it is possible to blog again.
Tonight.
I'm super stoked.
Okay bye. :)

I miss blogging :(

I haven't had internet for foreverrrr until the past couple days and things have just been CUH-RAAAYYY-ZYYY
(Crazy) haha

Buttt I will write as soon as possible for anyone who cares to read.
For now just know that things are good for the most part :)
<3 Haley

Ending the summer on a good note :)

I only have 20 minutes to post before my friend Sam comes to pick me up for our 'hang-out date' later, but I just wanted to update my blog and let everyone know how great I am doing :)

Umm.. there are several different facets of my life I'd like to bring up..

Running- Things have been going okay.. My long run on Saturday (15 miles) was pretty killer, but that's just cuz I'm dumb and went out way too fast to be able to hold that pace for an hour and 45 minutes.
I don't know how fast I really went, but I'd say I averaged sub 6:40 cuz last week I ran with Tiffany at Boardtown runners (the group in Starkville), and she said that she averaged 6:39 for our 15.2 mile route. I finished a little faster than her.
This past Saturday's run was harder and definitely a faster pace, so that's good I guess?!

I haven't hit my mileage the past two weeks, and it's very frustrating :/ It's just so hot, and the two-a-days are hard to do sometimes when I don't want to run til 10 P.M. and then I'm either too tired or whatever to do it.. Anyway, I'm definitely going to do it this week, though! No excuses :) 75 miles, here I come.

I do think that I would be a little quicker/fitter/better with less weight, but I guess it will fall off as the season progresses.. That does bring me to the issue of eating :P

Eating-Things have been really good for the most part :) I have been eating intuitively, what I want, when I want.
I did meet with my dietician/nutritionist Kelly last Wednesday before I left. We came up with a meal plan  just to make sure I'm getting enough food in me to fuel for all of my mileage without underdoing it some days and then binging on others. I'm tired of that cycle.

I will admit that I had one slip-up.. a binge. :/ I had been restrictive and thought I could cheat Kelly's plan by cutting 700? calories? False. I should know better!

I haven't actually been logging my food intake like Kelly wants just cuz I've been so busy with other stuff, but I will get on that starting today..
I do know, though, that I am doing a good job of fueling my body. I did a 7 mile run on the treadmill this morning (I was too tired, so I slept in), and I averaged 6:40 pace feeling like I could go forever.
Love it :)

Relationships- 
Mom- I went to the Y with my mom the other day. I ran 12 miles on the treadmill while she walked 4.. I really enjoyed the time with her..
Some people think that I need to have more space than I do with my mom, that I should just let her go..
But Idk, it's so hard to lose someone that you love so much.
I went my whole life without a mom, and now that I finally have one, I don't want to let her go.
I know how hard it is to have an addiction.. I also know that it can be overcome. And I have faith that my mom can do it.
Whether she does it anytime soon, I don't know. But I am praying that she does.

Connor- Read this post: "Mushy Gushy Love", and then tell me that I do not have the best boyfriend in the world.
I am spoiled.
I love him to the world and back.
I can't imagine my life without him, and luckily I will never have to.
I could go on and on about how Connor is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, but Sam is here, and I would probably gross you all out with my cheesiness, anyway ;)

Okay, I also wanted to talk about my relationship with God, but I guess I will post about that later tonight or tomorrow :/ It deserves it's own post, anyway.
I hope everyone is having a great week so far, and I am so excited that I am going back to Starkville on Thursday!!
I came home for the week since summer school ended. Straight A's, btw :)

So much love!!
<3 Haley

12 miles w/ broken tempo

2.5 mile easy
2 mile tempo- 11:33
.5 mile easy
2 mile tempo- 11:34
.5 mile easy
2 mile tempo- 11:11
2.5 mile cooldown

I know I ran fast, but I feel like it should have been easier to hit the times that I did..
Today was the first day of summer training that I actually hurt like I do in a race.
I love that.
As my coach's wife was pulling away from me during the second set, I was thinking, "Is this what you're going to do in a race, Haley? At SEC's, you're just going to lay down and let Florida/Vanderbilt/Georgia run to the Championship title? No ma'am!" So I pushed.
And it felt so good to run fast and run through pain. The finish was the best part. I felt like I was flying, and I could have gone forever. *Although, in reality I probably could not hold onto that pace for very much longer at all, ha!*

This is why I love running!
This is why I need to continue fueling my body.
I also need to work on doing all of the little things right.. eat, sleep, hydrate.. all very important and necessary for optimal training.

P.s. My nutritionist that had a baby foreveeerrr ago and I haven't seen (in session) since, Kelly, texted me today saying she read my blog and was wondering if I'm doing okay and if I want to come in and see her.
I know she read it cuz I accidentally did this stupid facebook app that publishes your posts to the news feed. EEk! So I deleted it.
Nevertheless, I replied saying it would probably be good for me to see her, but I don't want to know my weight. I know it's high, and that would just be triggering for me, I think.

Also, my therapist is out of town at a psych convention, but she called last night to check on me, and she said she'll call later this week to kind of do a session over the phone..? Idk! She really cares for me. I think it will be good to talk to her.

Annddd I am moving into my new house this Friday!!! Woot! I'm moving little things in now, but I will officially be out of my apartment with all of these horrible memories in less than 2 days!
So excited :))

Hope everyone is having a happy Hump day :)
<3