I feel like I have to have something really interesting/good/bad to say in order to post something.
Often throughout the past couple weeks I've planned on blogging and discussing my progress and how well I have been doing only to find myself bingeing that night before I get the chance to write. Wow, fail.
Other times I don't want to write because I know that I'm not giving my body what it wants. I'm not eating my bars (Powerbars, Cliff Bars, Gatorade protein bars) after practice. I'm not adding cheese to my sandwiches. I'm choosing low calorie breads. I'm not eating chips. I convince myself that an apple and a sandwich is a sufficient lunch.
I guess I shouldn't have these high expectations for my blogging. This is supposed to be a tool for my recovery. No one expects to hear that I am doing 100% amazing or 100% horrible. For some reason I assume this is what is expected of me when I blog. :P
I know that you guys are great, and you're not going to judge or ridicule me whether I'm doing really well, not so good, or somewhere in between.
Speaking of you guys, thank you so much for all of your comments on my last post. And all of my posts. I get my comments in the form of email to my phone, and it makes my day when I hear that "ding" and see that some beautiful woman has found it in her heart to let me know that she is thinking and praying for me.
So really, thank you. All of your suggestions have helped. I'm being more experimental with my cooking! It's fun. But some things are still scary.. Butter, olive oil, cheese, prepared sauces..
But hey, at least I'm trying.
obsessed with now: making oatmeal!!
Lately it's been something like 1/3 cup of oat bran, 1/4 cup oats, 1 cup water, 1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk, 1 tbsp cocoa powder, some stevia, cinnamon, nutmeg, pumpkin pie spice, and a little Walden Farms 0 cal maple syrup.
|Some of the delicious flavors. I like mixing it up each day cuz they give my oatmeal breakfasts completely different flavors. :)|
I make my oats the night before. I usually get them out of the fridge in the morning, add more milk/water, and microwave until they're warm and runny. :) Delish. Then I mix in a 6 oz. Carbmaster yogurt. These things are so good. If you don't believe me, ask Emily. It has more protein than the lite yogurt I used to get (9 grams!) and 2-3 grams of sugar. It's only 42 cents, too. What beats that? Yes, it just so happens that Carbmaster yogurt is also 60 calories rather than 80. Kelly *nutritionist* has told me to change yogurts cuz I need the carbs of normal yogurt (the carbmaster only has 4g), but I'll get them in some other way because I'm not giving up this stuff.. it just tastes good! So I'm going to continue to buy it :)
Ok, sorry about the yogurt rant.
Anyway, today I was talking to my friend Maria on the phone as I was chopping some onion (fun stuff :P) about my problems with food. Aka- my restriction/bingeing. The more I talked about it the more I realized I'm really tired of having this problem. It's stupid really. I'm sick of not allowing myself a few pretzels at lunch, yet eating peanut butter by the tablespoon at night. Whaaat. Makes no sense.
Usually on my binges I specifically choose foods that I know are high calorie.
Like the peanut butter granola I bought last weekend. I only allowed myself to try it as soon as I bought it, meaning I had less than a teaspoon. But the other night I was dipping my spoonful of peanut butter into the granola and then going for some yogurt.
Honestly, it's getting old. I used to enjoy the thrill of the binge. It was like I was on some foodie high, allowing myself to eat all of these treats that I usually forbid. But now it's just boring. It's like, 'Oh here I go again, another binge. Another 1500 calories in an hour. Another night of going to bed with an upset, overly full stomach.'
I just want to be normal. I want to eat healthy. I don't want to be underweight. I don't want to be overweight, either.
|Yummy froyo from Whole Foods. Yep, I ate the whole pint in one sitting. Hey, it's only 150 calories, so it's ok, right? :P|
For some reason anything more or less than 115 scares the bejeezus out of me. I need to learn to live with things being imperfect. I have to learn to allow myself something instead of all or nothing. Sound familiar? ;P
Ok, so there is SO much I could talk about since I haven't written in so long, but for now I'll just close by saying that I have a nutritionist appointment with Kelly tomorrow. I have no idea what my weight will be. Somewhere AROUND 113-116. Shocker. Hopefully it'll be on the higher end, so that I don't feel like a complete failure forced to continue in this weight gain mode. We'll see..
Before I go: Random photo time!
|The handsome Conrad with his dark chocolate almond butter & banana stuffed French toast from last Friday night.|
|This is a close up of Connor's. But I had one, too! Mine was Bees Knees pb + banana + vanilla & almond granola.|
|Some of you have mentioned liking my hair, but would you like it all tangled&knotty after a 100 minute long run in the pouring rain?|
Yea, I was lookin' a hot mess ;)
|I do like my hair tonight, though. I didn't brush it after I showered, and this is what happened. Hmm.. Lazy can be good sometimes ;)|
P.s. I know, I'm sunburnt. It's been warm and sunny here, and I'm always out doing what I love: running! :)
*Happy thoughts & love* :)