I feel like I have to have something really interesting/good/bad to say in order to post something.
Often throughout the past couple weeks I've planned on blogging and discussing my progress and how well I have been doing only to find myself bingeing that night before I get the chance to write. Wow, fail.
Other times I don't want to write because I know that I'm not giving my body what it wants. I'm not eating my bars (Powerbars, Cliff Bars, Gatorade protein bars) after practice. I'm not adding cheese to my sandwiches. I'm choosing low calorie breads. I'm not eating chips. I convince myself that an apple and a sandwich is a sufficient lunch.
I guess I shouldn't have these high expectations for my blogging. This is supposed to be a tool for my recovery. No one expects to hear that I am doing 100% amazing or 100% horrible. For some reason I assume this is what is expected of me when I blog. :P
I know that you guys are great, and you're not going to judge or ridicule me whether I'm doing really well, not so good, or somewhere in between.
Speaking of you guys, thank you so much for all of your comments on my last post. And all of my posts. I get my comments in the form of email to my phone, and it makes my day when I hear that "ding" and see that some beautiful woman has found it in her heart to let me know that she is thinking and praying for me.
So really, thank you. All of your suggestions have helped. I'm being more experimental with my cooking! It's fun. But some things are still scary.. Butter, olive oil, cheese, prepared sauces..
But hey, at least I'm trying.
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| My pizza dinner :) It's a flatout wrap toasted with a Laughing Cow cheese wedge, blueberry salsa one one half and the other half with this spinach sauce I bought at Whole Foods. Topped with sauteed spinach, mushrooms, garlic, onions, bell peppers, tomatoes, shrimp, and FETA *fear food*! Yum. Writing about it makes me want to make another! Of course I finished the meal with a baked sweet potato and a serving of Greek yogurt. |
Lately it's been something like 1/3 cup of oat bran, 1/4 cup oats, 1 cup water, 1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk, 1 tbsp cocoa powder, some stevia, cinnamon, nutmeg, pumpkin pie spice, and a little Walden Farms 0 cal maple syrup.
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| Some of the delicious flavors. I like mixing it up each day cuz they give my oatmeal breakfasts completely different flavors. :) |
I make my oats the night before. I usually get them out of the fridge in the morning, add more milk/water, and microwave until they're warm and runny. :) Delish. Then I mix in a 6 oz. Carbmaster yogurt. These things are so good. If you don't believe me, ask Emily. It has more protein than the lite yogurt I used to get (9 grams!) and 2-3 grams of sugar. It's only 42 cents, too. What beats that? Yes, it just so happens that Carbmaster yogurt is also 60 calories rather than 80. Kelly *nutritionist* has told me to change yogurts cuz I need the carbs of normal yogurt (the carbmaster only has 4g), but I'll get them in some other way because I'm not giving up this stuff.. it just tastes good! So I'm going to continue to buy it :)
Ok, sorry about the yogurt rant.
Anyway, today I was talking to my friend Maria on the phone as I was chopping some onion (fun stuff :P) about my problems with food. Aka- my restriction/bingeing. The more I talked about it the more I realized I'm really tired of having this problem. It's stupid really. I'm sick of not allowing myself a few pretzels at lunch, yet eating peanut butter by the tablespoon at night. Whaaat. Makes no sense.
Usually on my binges I specifically choose foods that I know are high calorie.
Like the peanut butter granola I bought last weekend. I only allowed myself to try it as soon as I bought it, meaning I had less than a teaspoon. But the other night I was dipping my spoonful of peanut butter into the granola and then going for some yogurt.
Honestly, it's getting old. I used to enjoy the thrill of the binge. It was like I was on some foodie high, allowing myself to eat all of these treats that I usually forbid. But now it's just boring. It's like, 'Oh here I go again, another binge. Another 1500 calories in an hour. Another night of going to bed with an upset, overly full stomach.'
I just want to be normal. I want to eat healthy. I don't want to be underweight. I don't want to be overweight, either.
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| Yummy froyo from Whole Foods. Yep, I ate the whole pint in one sitting. Hey, it's only 150 calories, so it's ok, right? :P |
For some reason anything more or less than 115 scares the bejeezus out of me. I need to learn to live with things being imperfect. I have to learn to allow myself something instead of all or nothing. Sound familiar? ;P
Ok, so there is SO much I could talk about since I haven't written in so long, but for now I'll just close by saying that I have a nutritionist appointment with Kelly tomorrow. I have no idea what my weight will be. Somewhere AROUND 113-116. Shocker. Hopefully it'll be on the higher end, so that I don't feel like a complete failure forced to continue in this weight gain mode. We'll see..
Before I go: Random photo time!
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| The handsome Conrad with his dark chocolate almond butter & banana stuffed French toast from last Friday night. |
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| This is a close up of Connor's. But I had one, too! Mine was Bees Knees pb + banana + vanilla & almond granola. |
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| Some of you have mentioned liking my hair, but would you like it all tangled&knotty after a 100 minute long run in the pouring rain? Yea, I was lookin' a hot mess ;) |
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| I do like my hair tonight, though. I didn't brush it after I showered, and this is what happened. Hmm.. Lazy can be good sometimes ;) P.s. I know, I'm sunburnt. It's been warm and sunny here, and I'm always out doing what I love: running! :) |
*Happy thoughts & love* :)
<3 Haley
haley, your pizza you cooked tonight smelled FANTASTIC!!!!! :)
ReplyDeleteFirst things first; I've tried the Carbmaster yogurt, and hated it! I buy the Lite from Kroger though :) I just tried the carrot cake flavor though, so maybe that's just a nasty one?
ReplyDeleteAnd I've tried the chocolate kind of that "ice cream", but it had like no flavor! Lol! That's what you get for 150 calories though!
Your pizza looks yummy though :)
Now; sometimes I feel like no news is good news. And while being stagnant in recovery is no necessarly good, it's better than relapseing. I personally don't struggle with binging, but I know it's a hard cycle to break. For what it's worth, you look really happy and pretty in the pictures! Maybe I need to eat more peanut butter too :) Lol!
It's so hard when you're struggling with the compulsion to binge. But I think many, many of us have been there. One thing I've learned (and it's supported by research) is that, when you are depriving yourself physically and mentally of the food you want/need, your cravings for it automatically increase by about 10x -partly this is because your body actually wants the nutrients (especially for repair etc if you're doing lots of running) and partly because there's a part of you that knows you don't deserve to be denied delicious food!So, if you're restricting (e.g. not letting yourself have your Clif bars etc) then maybe this is why you're finding the compulsion to binge is especially strong at the momemt. I find that, the more permission I give myself to eat what I want and when I want, and the more I act on that permission, the less I crave things and the less likely I am to binge. Keep going and good luck.
ReplyDeleteHa, the oat bran you described is pretty much what I eat everyday, lol. 2/3 oat bran, water, chopped apple, carb master, cinnamon and nutmeg, with sugar free maple syrup swirled on top and mixed in! I always think that about the carb master yogurt- not enough carbs, but I actually like it more than the others...i think. Well, that migh tbe a like, I'm just used to it. But I tend not to use it as a dairy, more as a protein. and @ Tori, yes, the carrot cake on is bad, lol. I only use it to make protein pancakes, the that flavor is okay xP
ReplyDeleteMy gosh Haley! In every single picture I see of you, I just say, "Wow, she's so beautiful." Seriously girl, you are incredibly gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to what you said:
"I'm sick of not allowing myself a few pretzels at lunch, yet eating peanut butter by the tablespoon at night." I used to do that exact thing. I would tell myself that I couldn't eat 2 or 3 extra carrot sticks or crackers, but then at night I'd be soooooo hungry that I'd shovel food (mostly nut butter) down by the fork/spoonful and then feel sick. I'd wonder why on earth I restricted the low-cal stuff and binged onthe high-cal stuff.
I'm just glad to read that you honored your body and decided to eat that oatmeal because you were still hungry. I know your body appreciates it.
Hope everything goes well with Kelly!
Your oats sound really yummy and I've been looking all over to find that Artic Zero froyo because I heard it's really good but I can't find it!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're listening to your body and trying to eat when it tells you to. I can only imagine how hard it is dealing with bingeing and restricting at the same time. I think the best thing to do is to just eat when you actually are hungry and hopefully you won't binge because you nourished your body right
Hope your nutritionist appointment goes well and keep staying strong :)
Use the blogging to help you out but just do yo' thang and don't feel obligated! The second you feel like blogging is a chore, it's no fun. I have been wanting to try that Arctic Zero!! Good luck at your appt.
ReplyDeleteFunny, I just wrote about overeating as I'm totally in the same boat as you. When the thrill of the overeat in over it's pure hell. Let's hope we get back to regular eating soon!
ReplyDeleteTotally amazing looking pizza, looks a lot more appatising that my dinner (fish finger sandwhich, packet of crisps, 2 chocolate yogurts...the list goes on you get the picture). Anyway sorry totally didn't say whatI was meant to in this post.
I get what you say about blogging when we feel inbetween moods, nothing too extreme, I struggle this that as well.
Love Battle
xxx
Hey girl! Glad to here your doing ok. Don't worry about not posting, all of us have such busy lives.
ReplyDeleteYou're pizza looks really yummy! And I had a yogurt-oatmeal combo today too - sooo good!
<3
hey Haley! glad to see you posting again. i'm a varsity athlete (in competitive climbing) and i've struggled with restrictive/bingeing issues too, so i know how it feels. it's good that you have people guiding you along with intuitive eating, it's the only way to break the cycle. i am almost recovered now and i hope you will make a full recovery soon! don't be afraid of food, it's fuel for your running. good luck!
ReplyDeleteQuality post dear! Quality over quantity, always. Don't ever apologize for not posting enough!
ReplyDeleteI was exactly where you are when I was 21. The binging was just horrible, made me feel horrible, and like you saidd -- 1500 calories in an hour, easy.
But as soon as I put on enough pounds -- I went from 100 to 118 (I'm 5'6") -- the out of control binging feeling stopped. My body just settled.
It is clear to me now that despite my best efforts, by body was FORCING me to "binge" to get my weight back to a healthy place. I never, ever have the urge to binge anymore (well, except maybe during the holidays...pie and more pie!)
much love.
I don't know you but after reading this blog I kind of feel like I do. You're another girl, just like me, trying to get better. You're doing really well too... recovery comes eventually - one bite at a time. :)
ReplyDeleteYour pizza looked so yummy! And well done for eating one of your fear foods! On Thursday I ate an egg yolk, for the first time in over two years. I've been in recovery for seven months now but I couldn't manage that egg yolk until then. It makes you feel so proud of yourself once you've conquered your fear, right?
I'm really proud of you for trying so hard to get better. It's a long road but you'll get there in the end.
Much love to you beautiful,
-Hannah