Hello beautiful ladies! :)
To begin where I left off, I should let you know that my dad and I had some yummy pastas, chicken pesto penne and seafood linguine with marinara, the night before my race at a local Italian place. So I made sure I had some yummy carbs in me before the big day- no worries!
We had the best talk. What about? We discussed my anorexia, my bingeing. Honestly, I had no intention of letting any of this be known. Yes, I admitted to my dad that I had anorexia at the end of the summer before I went to college. Yet his reaction was almost disbelieving. He said something like, “You don’t have anorexia. You eat. You just need to eat more and get some more calories.” Since then we’ve kind of avoided the subject. We both know the problem is there, but it’s not anything that we discuss.
Needless to say it was slightly awkward to bring all of this up, especially since I was now admitting that I not only have a problem with restriction but also with bingeing. However, for some reason after I placed our orders I just felt the need to let him know what I’ve been going through. My dad has always been good at giving advice, and I guess I just wanted to hear what he had to say about it all.
He listened while I went over the episodes I’ve had. I even told him about the Christmas eve episode Christmas eve episode in which I went extreme overboard and snuck sweets upstairs, all under my dad’s nose.
Well he was more than wonderful.
He let me know that I’m not a failure or a complete weirdo. I know this, but it’s still nice to hear. I don’t think he completely understood the concept of bingeing because he kept repeating that everyone does that, Haley. Umm, no. Everyone doesn’t eat peanut butter or puppy chow until they feel like puking.
Anyway, he did express that my ‘sneaking’ behavior is definitely unhealthy. I agree. I had never thought of it before, but maybe the fact that I feel the need to hide my eating these ‘fear foods’ gives them more power over me than they should. Does that make sense? If I just allowed myself to eat them, (in the morning, at night, whenever), then they wouldn’t be as big of a deal. This realization is similar to my restricting leads to bingeing epiphany, but this time it hit a whole new chord with me.
|Random, but I did this! I've never french braided before, but I gave it a try this weekend :)|
Dad always let me know how proud he is of me. He discussed how hard it was raising me and my younger siblings by himself, and he apologized for all the mistakes he made along the way. He explained that he had always been the kind of guy to run away when trouble hits; so when he found himself with two daughters, 7&5, and a one year old son, he was a little scared and ignorant on how best to handle the situation. I started to tear up as he told me that I have always been more mature than both he and my mom and he respects and admires me more than I know.
Long story short, it was great to let Dad know everything that’s been going on with me. Every time I discuss my ED, I feel that voice getting smaller and softer. Facing my demons makes it so much easier to conquer them.
The next day: RACE DAY!
Dad reminded me the night before that I need not get nervous before the race. Freaking out won’t do me any good. I just need to step up to that starting line and give it all I’ve got. So I did.
P.s. I was not at all restrictive that morning.
Kelly would probably say that I hadn’t eaten enough, but I woke up at 9:30, did my ‘shake-out’ run, ate my apple and greek yogurt with FiberOne cereal at 10:15 after showering, and then I had my sandwich with carrots at 11:30.
Race time was 2:55, and I needed to start warming up at 2, so I couldn’t eat too close.
Anywayyy, the race!
It’s SECs. So why am I in the lead? Well, because no one else took it, I guess. I was feeling great, too.
Coach was giving me my 200m splits on the side, and since it was so loud I was just watching his fingers signal 4-0. I was supposed to be hitting 40’s, so this was good to see. I even heard the announcer over the intercom saying, “And Haley Greenwell, the sophomore from Mississippi State is doing a phenomenal job of pacing this race.” It gave me some confidence that I was doing OK for my first 5k on the indoor track!
Then it hit me.
I had been sick all weekend, as you read in my last post, and around the 3.5k mark I started to really feel it. I was falling apart. I held on with all that I had, but I simply couldn’t keep the pace.
The leaders had taken the lead from me a little before this, simply because they’re psycho fast, but after a while I began to get passed by girls that should not have passed me! I made several one-steppers on the inside of the railing towards the end just because I was so dizzy. Luckily I wasn’t disqualified for this. My body didn’t want to go anymore!
Well I finished with a 5k time of 17:05 and I got 7th place, earning me All-SEC honors. I literally passed out at the finish line. My eyes rolled into the back of my head, and I couldn’t stand; I couldn’t move. I was lying there on the track, and I kept telling myself to get up! I hate when girls are dramatic and act like they’re dying after a race. Now I’m one of these girls, except that I wasn’t being dramatic, ha. I was really out of it.
Once I was carried to the bleachers, Coach pushed a Gatorade and a Gatorade protein bar into my hands, and my trainer helped me to eat and drink. After I had regained some consciousness I muttered, “G2”, to hear him say, “I don’t want to hear shit about G2. You need the calories.” The way he said it doesn’t sound as bad as it looks. He was just letting me know that I needed to refuel after the race.
So once he walked away I convinced my trainer to get me a G2 because I couldn’t handle the sweetness of the G at the time. Also, the Gatorade Protein bar tasted like pure sugar. I tried to eat it, but it was not appetizing at all.
After a few minutes I got a Cliff bar out of my bag and drank my G2.
I got back onto the bus around 4:30 to find a sandwich waiting for me. Yay, Firehouse Subs finally got my order right! Whole wheat sub with smoked turkey breast, swiss cheese, & marinated mushrooms. I asked for no mayo, no mustard. I also requested to add on cucumber and bell pepper.
Although it was the sandwich I requested, I still felt horrible once I got on the bus, and I didn’t have an appetite at all.
I told myself that if the sandwich was still around by 9, I’d have to eat it, whether I was hungry for it or not.
Soooo I did. At 9.
Then I finally started to feel better around 11.
I’ve never felt so drained after a race!
|How I look tonight.. Note that I didn't brush my hair after showering.. :P|
I was upset with myself at first because I didn’t finish the race the way that I wanted, but hey.. I did my best. I gave it my all. That’s all I can ask for! Yay for self-acceptance :)
These past couple days I haven’t been focusing too much on calories. I am just wary of my restricting habits, and I’m trying to break them.
I need to have higher calorie breakfasts, and I probably should eat a snack before lunch, too. So yes, many things to work on!
|Dinner tonight: Some spaghetti and penne noodles with a laughing cow cheese wedge melted with greek yogurt for the sauce! I added garlic powder, broccoli, cauliflower, grilled chicken, and some fresh parsley :) Yum!|
I see Kelly tomorrow. I have a feeling I’ve lost weight again :/
I really want to get better. I feel more motivated than I have in a long time.
Really, I feel like I will be a better runner and stronger, overall if I gain a little weight, preferably in muscle! ;)
Anyway, Conrad is here. He was doing homework, but now I’m being a lame girlfriend who is blogging instead of cuddling with her boyfriend.
He wants to go out for froyo tonight! I could probably use the calories :)
I hope yall have a great night!
|My beautiful teammates and I|