Sunday, March 20, 2011

Life's What You Make It

*Note: I wrote this last night on the bus at 10 P.M. :)*

Hello lovely readers of mine,
So all of your comments on my last post were much appreciated and well-received. So thank you :)
This week we’re on Spring Break so I hadn’t actually touched base with her on what time we were meeting.. That morning she texted me and told me to come in before my morning workout, meaning I had eaten my breakfast of oatmeal, yogurt, and a gallon (not literally) of water before I went in to see her. *I usually go in with only a little bit of water on my stomach and 0 food.. so the number might not be completely accurate*.
Well, what was my weight? (Drumroll please)... 116!
Was I happy to see this? Umm.. kinda. Not gonna lie, it scared me a little, too. My initial reaction was, “See? All this bingeing is making you fat.” Then I realized, Hey, 115 has been your goal since August. You’re FINALLY there. This should be a moment of celebration, not self-defeat. Yea, it kinda sucks the way I got there, but at least I’m finallyyy at a healthy BMI.
Anyway, at the end of the appointment I asked Kelly if we could go over a new meal plan. My latest one doesn’t include foods which I have just recently allowed in my diet. One of the main reasons I wanted to do this was so that I could incorporate the foods I binge on (peanut butter, cookies, yogurt, froyo) into my normal day. That way I won’t end up only eating these foods at night, unable to stop myself because I know it’s the only time I’ll allow myself to enjoy them.
I kinda felt pathetic asking her for this, but it’s really hard for me to allow certain foods and calories into my diet if they’re NOT on my meal plan.. I’m working on it, but it’d be great to hear some of her suggestions on how best to add them without overdoing it. For some reason I think that if I eat peanut butter in the middle of the day I’m going to gain 20 pounds. *Exaggeration, yes. But the thought is still there.* I hate that mornings are SO hard! Actually my thinking/eating is very ED-driven until practice.. THEN I feel like it’s okay to be a normal person.. Psycho, right? I guess it’s cuz I think that I don’t deserve food until I exercise.. It’s not a conscious thought, really. It’s just something I’ve noticed recently.
So anyway, you all would be SO proud of me. ;)
I made PEANUT BUTTER HUMMUS. That’s right. It’s delicious and good for you. The whole thing is <600 calories (not including chocolate chips), 28 grams of protein, and a whopping 20 grams of fiber. Wow!
Oh, did I mention it’s delicious?
1 can of chickpeas
At least 2 T peanut butter
1/3 cup of almond milk *add more/less to desired consistency*
a little maple syrup (I used my calorie-free kind. :P)
Vanilla extract
Stevia, to taste
YUMYUMYUM! Sorry this recipe isn’t really a recipe. I just added stuff until it tasted delicious and sweet. I definitely have a sweet tooth, and I wanted a hummus to satisfy it! This one did the trick. :)
I’ve been putting it on celery, pretzels, bagels, and eaten with a spoon (did I say that?) with a yogurt. No bingeing with it, though. Yay!
I have not binged this week. Tomorrow will be one week. This is SUCH great news. A couple of nights I have definitely overeaten on my after-dinner snack, but I stopped before I was uncomfortably full. I didn’t feel completely out of control like I do with bingeing, either. So I’m not counting these.
However, this time next week I want to be able to say that I haven’t binged OR overeaten OR restricted. Wow, wouldn’t that be a perfect world? ;)
Appetizer at dinner Friday night: Seafood Stuffed Mushrooms. Yes, they were breaded and had some funky sauce on them. Yes, I ate and very much enjoyed them. :)
Reminding me of this fact that we do NOT live in a perfect world would be the results of my meet this weekend.. We traveled to Lafayette, Lousiana bright and early Friday morning and arrived around lunchtime. Subway. 6 inch veggie on wheat. Sides? No thanks. Later I had a couple pretzels + pb hummus, but my ED was very loud yesterday. After we warmed up at the track I allowed myself the Powerbar I had packed and later an apple before dinner. Had I known that I wouldn’t actually be eating until 8:15 that night I would have eaten more.. We got there at 6:30. It took foreeeever and a day for us to get food. I guess that is to be expected when one restaurant is trying to feed a track team of 60, even if we did have a limited group menu of 3 dishes to choose from with the orders taken in advance. So I definitely overate this night. *Complimentary dinner rolls while starving=not so good :P* Pattern? I restricted, I overate. Easy. Then I went back to the hotel and my roommate left to visit with her mom. I was so very tempted to binge at this point. I even got out the pb hummus and pretzels when I wasn’t the least bit hungry. I had a couple of bites and realized, what are you doing? This isn’t going to help fix your ED. So I stopped. Good news? I think yes. I’m on my way to a normal relationship with food :)
We were definitely in Cajun country. I don't know if you can see it all that well, but that is a picture of a huge stuffed alligator at the restaurant. Ha!
Oh, so back to the meet! My race was this afternoon. The 1500 meter race. Eew, definitely NOT my favorite. I’d rather run two 5000 meter races in one day than do a single 1500. Gross. It’s way too fast and just blehh.. Did I mention I don’t like this race?
Anyway, I tried to go into it with an attitude better than that ^. I was ranked second and kept that place the whole race until the last 100 meters when my freshman teammate and a girl from another school outkicked me at the end.
.01 seconds. That was the difference between third and fourth place in this race, fourth being me.
I was really upset with myself after.. I know this sounds really bad, but I’m used to winning. I don’t like getting beaten. I have this insane fear of not being perfect. And today I wasn’t. 
So now I’m trying to focus on the positives of this race rather than the negatives. I ran 4 minutes, 41 seconds. That’s a new personal record. No, it’s not the time or place that I wanted, but at least I learned something from this race! I’ve gotta push harder those third and fourth laps. I kinda zoned out and lost focus for a little bit.
After the race my coach my teammate Adriana and I do a workout since that was our only event for the day, and it obviously wasn’t very long. We did 3 sets of 60, 45, 30, and 15 seconds at 1500 meter pace with equal rest between reps (60 seconds jogging rest for 60 seconds of 1500m pace). We had 5 minutes of jogging between sets. It wasn’t too bad, and it was good to get another hard workout in. I worked off some leftover frustration from my race.
They just updated the track roster photos. This is mine! (Taken in September)
Anyway, I’m so excited to go home. I’m on the bus on the way home now writing this on Pages since the bus internet isn’t working. We didn’t leave the track until 8:30. We’ll arrive in Starkville at 2:30 A.M. at the earliest. So I am not so sure about my church appearance tomorrow morning, but hopefully I can catch a little sleep on the bus.
The main reason I’m excited to be home (other than getting to sleep in my own bed and not having to wear MSU stuff everywhere at every second) would definitely be the fact that I get to see my wonderful boyfriend Conrad. He’s been home on Spring Break this week, so I’ve gone almost a week without him. I know, wahwahh. One week is nothing to complain about. :P But still, I miss him.. He’s my best friend, and it’s weird not having him with me.
I like my hair like this.. I took this picture trying to convince myself that I am NOT getting fat.
My teammate Adriana mentioned during the workout today that I am "getting [my] booty back"! Of course she meant this in a good way, but it definitely sent ED thoughts whirling. I've noticed my breasts, face, stomach, hips, inner thighs, and butt are all getting bigger.. Because of my disordered body image, it's hard for me to tell whether I'm looking healthy now or just fat. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not fat. But I'm worried that I'm on a fast track to that point. What if I can't stop gaining weight? Just a random thought.. 

Well I hope to catch up on all of my blog-reading soon!
I started the Kite Runner late last night, though, and I’m already super into it. Hopefully I’ll be doing more of that than creepin on blogger posts ;)
I want to wish everyone a lovely and relaxing Sunday so that we can go into this week with good attitudes about ourselves, others, and life in general.
As cheesy as it is, Hannah Montana was right when she sang, “Life’s what you make it.”
Love you all :)
<3 Haley


  1. I just posted that I really understand the achieving great things, and then not attaining as "good" and how crap that can feel.
    I just attained a grade far lower than the last one I got, and burst into tears!! That aspect to us can be so difficult to manage as at times we do so well, that we forget how rubbish it feels to only do okay, even though okay is good enough for others.
    The important thing isn't that you didn't win, it is that you tried and actually did a personal best.
    You are "attacking" the food issues in a similar way, and you are learning and this is ll we can do.
    We can only do our best.
    And you are doing so much more than that, not just in life and track, but also with recovery.
    You should feel so proud of yourself for getting to target.
    You're amazing.
    Massive {{{hugs}}

  2. That's so great that you've gone a week without bingeing! Seriously that's a giant accomplishment and I know you can go even longer without a binge. You're doing so well, especially accepting your weight gain. I know it's hard, but you seem so much healthier and happier now! And I love your hair too, lol, seems like I always say that ;)

    I will definitely try that PB hummus--it looks so good!

  3. So proud of you for the weight gain and for resisting binging! Trust me, though, you are NOT fat and with all the exercise you get, it would take ALOT more to make you even remotely close to fat. So don't believe ED. :)

    For some reason, I just can't wrap my head around sweet hummus. But I've seen it so many places that I might have to break down and try it...;)

    Have a wonderful week, too!

  4. Goodness, you are so speedy!

    I promise to you, your body and appetite will settle and you WILL NOT get "fat". I had that precise fear when I gained weight 3-4 years ago. I would see pictures of myself with the new 10 pounds on my frame, and focus on what I thought was a double chin -- and then imagine that I would be some obese lardo in a few years at this rate.

    It won't happen. Think of all the recovered ED girls you know, either in real life or on blogs. They are all beautiful! And quite simply, they're all still fairly thin. It's because regardless of how recovered you are, we are still active ladies who are aware of the nutrient makeup of most foods. It's not like you will suddenly be at McDonalds everyday.

    At this point, I eat 2500-2800 calories a day, and I haven't gained a single pound in over 2 years. My body settled once it reached a happy weight, and my weight doesn't budge one way or another regardless of what I do.

    geeeez, what is it about your posts that make me blabber so much...?

  5. I am so proud of you Haley! Seriously, kudos to you. It really is inspiring to me to see how far you've come. Keep it up. =)
    I have all of those irrational fears too, but it's just that disordered thinking. I'm not gaining crazy amounts of weight as I step up the meal plan. But I understand, it's hard to go through those changes. RoseRunner is right though - your body will settle into a rhythm.
    You look so pretty in both pictures!
    Have a great week! Take care of yourself!

  6. hey Haley! your worries about not being able to stop gaining are totally legit. i did my own recovery without getting any professional help and i know the fear of not being able to control the weight gain. rest assured that your body knows what it's doing and it will settle at a weight that is healthy and optimal for it. you just have to give it a little time. keep pushing on and i'm so proud of you for not binging!

  7. haley!!!!!!! YOU ARE STUNNING--- seriously you are so so pretty! love your hair!

  8. if i could, i would love to just clone your hair and some how have it too lol <3

    Yes, celebrate your success and at the same time make goals in place to maintain it in the healthiest way possible- kinda like this YUMMY peanut butter hummus!! <3

    you are so gorgeous :)

  9. hays,
    that last picture of you is stunning. you are so gorgeous. i really enjoyed talking with you at dinner&bowl last week. i'm really glad we are friends. you mean the world to me. you are looking SO healthy. and i really mean healthy, not sickly. you are awesome woman.
    i know you hate the 1500, but doing those 15s will help you out kick death in the 5k come regionals ^_^ i can't wait for this season to unfold.

  10. Well done for reaching a healthy BMI!! Great step!

    By the way, I used to honestly think that once I had started gaining weight in recovery I wouldn't stop. My body did gain weight, obviously, I gained weight, then my body stabalised and I dropped a few lbs and stayed at that weight...which has been my weight minus or plus a few lbs for the last months. Our bodies deserve a heck of a lot of respect for being able to figure out the right weight for us if we give it the right food intake.

  11. Haley,
    I am so proud of you for how hard you've been working! Congratulations on one week without binging- that is an amazing accomplishment! You go girl! I'm also very impressed with you that you took the initiative to ask Kelly to go over a new meal plan. That is such a smart idea to incorporate what become binge foods into your normal diet so they won't feel so forbidden.
    I struggle too with the notion that I don't "deserve" to eat if I don't exercise- but we have to just keep challenging those thoughts, b/c we know they are irrational and that we DO deserve to fuel our bodies!
    Congratulations on your new personal record! Good for you for seeking out the positives from the experience, rather than dwelling on the negatives. I feel like fighting the perfectionism will really help in your ED recovery.
    I have the same fears as you about "what if I can't stop gaining weight?", but our bodies are smart- our weight will level off where it's supposed to be- and our bodies and minds will be that much healthier and happier because of it! Remember, food=fuel. ;-)
    Keep up the great work Haley! You can do this! <3
    Also, thank you so much for the supportive comments on my blog!!! They mean a lot!

  12. Hey girl!
    I am soooo happy you tried out the PB hummus. Isn't it amazing? And I'm also proud of you for stopping yourself from binging after dinner at the restaurant. And one week without binging? Wooohoooo. You rock! Seriously.

    I know I said this in my last comment, but since you've posted more pictures of yourself, I'll just say it again: You are abso-freakin'-lutely GORGEOUS. Really, you have the most beautiful face and hair and smile. LOVE! :-)

  13. Hey love, I'm so proud of you. You are making strides! You are so beautiful, and you deserve to really LIVE. Keep up the good work. =) And you have a good break too!!!

  14. It sounds like you were having a great week, realizing where you need to change things for the better!

    but omg your time for that race! I only wish i could be that speedy; i think my best as a senior in hs for the 1500 was 5:52! you're one fast lady! so take that compliment and run with it (haha, what a pun!)

    hope this week is going well for you too and keep up the great attitude hun!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!

  15. I haven't gotten a chance to comment recently, but I have been reading. I can relate to binging on foods that you will not allow yourself earlier in the day, or overeating. But I have been trying to stop that pattern in the same way as you, by introducing those foods into my diet throughout the day.
    I am so proud of all the progress you've made and you are an amazing runner! Way to go!
    Keep it up Haley, I know it's hard, but you're amazing and gorgeous(: