Late night hunger=scary

To catch you all up:

1. On Wednesday Kelly (nutritionist) weighed me at 113.6 (Goal weight = >115)
2. I switched majors from Secondary Education English to Nutrition.
3. We hosted a track meet this weekend in Starkville, and I won the 3k.
4. I'm hungry right now, and I'm afraid of eating because eating at night sometimes = bingeing.

1. Disappointing, I know. :/ Can I just say that weight sucks? I hate it. Kelly was pretty upset with me. She doesn't think I'm trying hard enough. The thing is, I really feel that I am! She said that she's going to tell Coach and they're going to lower my mileage if my weight doesn't go up this week. I hate this. The last thing I want is for my ED to affect my passion for running. Also, I do well with high mileage. Blahhh.

2. Yes, I switched majors. When I told my friend Hayley about the switch, she mentioned that she's interested in Nutrition as well, but she's worried that she would use it as an excuse to get ill. Initially I did worry that part of the motivation for me to switch to a Nutrition major was my ED. There's no denying that my anorexia definitely spurred my fascination/obsession with food/nutrition. But I feel that this will be more beneficial than harmful for me in terms of recovery. No textbook is going to tell me to starve myself and then binge. Plus I have SUCH a passion for helping people with healthy eating choices. I just wish that sometimes it would be easier for me to take my own advice..

The beginning of the 3k. Coach told me to just stay at a relaxed pace and run with the pack.

3. I had a race yesterday at our home meet and won. My time wasn't great (9:56 for 3k), but I am okay with it considering it was windy, I was by myself for most of it, and I did what coach told me to do: I raced. It was awesome to come down the home stretch to hear all of the cheers from my friends and fans. My dad and Connor's parents were there. It was beyond wonderful to have their support.
It was also a good day because I had 0 problems with eating! Before my race & after a pretty big lunch I felt like my stomach was still kinda empty, so I had a Powerbar. This is a first for me. I barely allow myself to eat those after running, let alone before I even burn any calories. The thing is, I just didn't care. I knew I needed to fuel my body for my race.
And last night Connor's parents, Connor, and I went out to dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant after the race (my dad had to go back home to go to work), and I literally ate all of my pasta, half of Conrad's, a little bit of his mom's, and about 2 loaves of bread + olive oil for dipping! I was hungry, and I didn't feel the least bit guilty because I knew my body needed it, and I deserved it!

I look gorgeous here, huh? ;)

4. So why is today so hard? I woke up, and it was like BAM. Haley, you forgot you were recovering from ED? HA! No, it wouldn't shut up. I ate, though. I've been eating all day. Of course I haven't allowed myself anything high cal, though. Also, I didn't run today. It's hard for me to eat on days that I don't run. I felt like I needed the day off, though. First of all, I wasn't in the mood to run earlier. Also, my legs are really tired from the past couple weeks of high mileage and hard workouts.
Anyway, I guess that I'm afraid to eat now because late night eating sometimes means bingeing for me :/ I hadn't binged in 10 days, but then I did it on Thursday night. :(

I have been meaning to blog for a while. I have much more to get off my chest, but I just really needed to blog right now cuz I felt like if I didn't I was just gonna go grab the peanut butter jar and a spoon and some cookies and who knows what else. I need to work on identifying what exactly triggers the urge to binge. That's what Dr. Tatum (therapist) has assigned for me this week. Besides writing down my food intake for Kelly, I am to write down the feelings I have that day in association with my eating. Interesting, huh?

This is a picture of Chloe and I in the hotel bathtub in LA last weekend. Homemade ice baths FTW! :)

Anyway, this has been a good week, overall.
Conrad continues to be the best boyfriend I could ask for. His support is phenomenal and everlasting, not just with eating or running. He's there for me no matter what it is. He probably loves me almost as much as I love him, which is saying a lot. ;) Sometimes I take a step back and acknowledge just how lucky I am to have him. This is one of those moments.
My roommate Sarah and I have gotten really close. We talk for almost an hour just about every night, now. She enjoys snacking on my sweet potato chips with me, too :)
I switched majors which I am VERY excited about! I cannot wait until next year! :)
I know where I am living next year- with 4 other girls in a house right off campus. I'll go into more detail later.
I WON my race. I should be happy with that. Goal: don't be so hard on yourself, Haley. :P

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to comment on your blogs this week :/
I've been super busy with track and switching majors and other nonsense.
All of your comments are so encouraging to me. I love you all, and I hope your week starts off great!
<3 Haley

A pic from earlier this week of me loving on some Chobani :)

P.s. I'm about to go grab something to eat. No bingeing, though! I control what I eat. Food doesn't control me. I hate that I let it sometimes. At the end of my life it's not going to matter how much or little I ate. It's not going to matter if my weight was 113 or 118. I just want to be happy and healthy. I'm on the way there.