Sunday, March 27, 2011

Late night hunger=scary

To catch you all up:

1. On Wednesday Kelly (nutritionist) weighed me at 113.6 (Goal weight = >115)
2. I switched majors from Secondary Education English to Nutrition.
3. We hosted a track meet this weekend in Starkville, and I won the 3k.
4. I'm hungry right now, and I'm afraid of eating because eating at night sometimes = bingeing.

1. Disappointing, I know. :/ Can I just say that weight sucks? I hate it. Kelly was pretty upset with me. She doesn't think I'm trying hard enough. The thing is, I really feel that I am! She said that she's going to tell Coach and they're going to lower my mileage if my weight doesn't go up this week. I hate this. The last thing I want is for my ED to affect my passion for running. Also, I do well with high mileage. Blahhh.

2. Yes, I switched majors. When I told my friend Hayley about the switch, she mentioned that she's interested in Nutrition as well, but she's worried that she would use it as an excuse to get ill. Initially I did worry that part of the motivation for me to switch to a Nutrition major was my ED. There's no denying that my anorexia definitely spurred my fascination/obsession with food/nutrition. But I feel that this will be more beneficial than harmful for me in terms of recovery. No textbook is going to tell me to starve myself and then binge. Plus I have SUCH a passion for helping people with healthy eating choices. I just wish that sometimes it would be easier for me to take my own advice..
The beginning of the 3k. Coach told me to just stay at a relaxed pace and run with the pack.
3. I had a race yesterday at our home meet and won. My time wasn't great (9:56 for 3k), but I am okay with it considering it was windy, I was by myself for most of it, and I did what coach told me to do: I raced. It was awesome to come down the home stretch to hear all of the cheers from my friends and fans. My dad and Connor's parents were there. It was beyond wonderful to have their support.
It was also a good day because I had 0 problems with eating! Before my race & after a pretty big lunch I felt like my stomach was still kinda empty, so I had a Powerbar. This is a first for me. I barely allow myself to eat those after running, let alone before I even burn any calories. The thing is, I just didn't care. I knew I needed to fuel my body for my race.
And last night Connor's parents, Connor, and I went out to dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant after the race (my dad had to go back home to go to work), and I literally ate all of my pasta, half of Conrad's, a little bit of his mom's, and about 2 loaves of bread + olive oil for dipping! I was hungry, and I didn't feel the least bit guilty because I knew my body needed it, and I deserved it!
I look gorgeous here, huh? ;)
4. So why is today so hard? I woke up, and it was like BAM. Haley, you forgot you were recovering from ED? HA! No, it wouldn't shut up. I ate, though. I've been eating all day. Of course I haven't allowed myself anything high cal, though. Also, I didn't run today. It's hard for me to eat on days that I don't run. I felt like I needed the day off, though. First of all, I wasn't in the mood to run earlier. Also, my legs are really tired from the past couple weeks of high mileage and hard workouts.
Anyway, I guess that I'm afraid to eat now because late night eating sometimes means bingeing for me :/ I hadn't binged in 10 days, but then I did it on Thursday night. :(

I have been meaning to blog for a while. I have much more to get off my chest, but I just really needed to blog right now cuz I felt like if I didn't I was just gonna go grab the peanut butter jar and a spoon and some cookies and who knows what else. I need to work on identifying what exactly triggers the urge to binge. That's what Dr. Tatum (therapist) has assigned for me this week. Besides writing down my food intake for Kelly, I am to write down the feelings I have that day in association with my eating. Interesting, huh?
This is a picture of Chloe and I in the hotel bathtub in LA last weekend. Homemade ice baths FTW! :)
Anyway, this has been a good week, overall.
Conrad continues to be the best boyfriend I could ask for. His support is phenomenal and everlasting, not just with eating or running. He's there for me no matter what it is. He probably loves me almost as much as I love him, which is saying a lot. ;) Sometimes I take a step back and acknowledge just how lucky I am to have him. This is one of those moments.
My roommate Sarah and I have gotten really close. We talk for almost an hour just about every night, now. She enjoys snacking on my sweet potato chips with me, too :)
I switched majors which I am VERY excited about! I cannot wait until next year! :)
I know where I am living next year- with 4 other girls in a house right off campus. I'll go into more detail later.
I WON my race. I should be happy with that. Goal: don't be so hard on yourself, Haley. :P

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to comment on your blogs this week :/
I've been super busy with track and switching majors and other nonsense.
All of your comments are so encouraging to me. I love you all, and I hope your week starts off great!
<3 Haley
A pic from earlier this week of me loving on some Chobani :)
P.s. I'm about to go grab something to eat. No bingeing, though! I control what I eat. Food doesn't control me. I hate that I let it sometimes. At the end of my life it's not going to matter how much or little I ate. It's not going to matter if my weight was 113 or 118. I just want to be happy and healthy. I'm on the way there.


  1. Haley, I actually thought about switching to Nutrition b/c of my fascination with wanting to be healthy. I think it's a great choice! Go you =)

  2. as scary as many make is seems having people with ED's go towards things like nutrition i think it helps with recovery and realizing that the things we think are scary really aren't!

    great job on the race and of course having that powerbar! way to work against the ED and fuel your body!

  3. Cute pictures.

    GO for it. I have been told that I should not be doing something because of possibly of my ED being triggered or involved subconsciously in an indirect way...but I did it anyway. And guess what? I still turned out okay. :) (I have masters in counseling and I have counseled people.....and it did help understand my history with ED and made me realize how messed up my family is with eating....but I have deicded to take a break from this for time being because I don't want to be a hyprocrite).

    GOod job on your race! <3 hugs. :)

    Ps: Do try to get up to 115...I know you can do it.

  4. Numbers are hard, and having a goal weight, whilst helpful, can be difficult too.
    Health is your main goal.
    Eating enough to live and for track.
    And it can also take a long time to break connections ie. night eating equates to bingeing.
    You'll get there.
    Step by step xxxx

  5. Okay, so maybe I will be the devil's advocate here. But I am a senior in my dietetics program at school, and while I LOVE what I'm doing it make things VERY hard for me =/ You don't think that learning about nutrition could be a negative toward your health, but when you aren't recovered, ED can and will do anything. I used what I was learning to find better ways to starve... =/ This ended with my kidneys and liver failing, and my heart being damaged forever (I have to take meds to help it function correctly) Last year at this time, I was given 6 months to live...which spurred a 4 month court order hospitalization... Now I'm not saying that studying dietetics was the cause of this, I was anorexic before I was in college, but switching my major to nutrition provided with "too much" knowledge when I was already using (lack of) nutrition to an extreme. I only say this because I worry about you, I care... =] But I must say that it hasn't all been bad (obviously or I wouldn't be finishing my degree!) I have worked with people with eating disorders, and it has felt great. And teaching others how to increase their wellness through nutrition is amazing =] Just weigh these things, okay?

    Good job on the race, love. And never give up. I am proud of you for your efforts and progress!

  6. I'm sorry to hear it was a hard day and that the ED was being especially bitchy.

    HOW on earth do you smile whilst in that ice bath ffrrrreeeezing!
    How exciting about changing majors! I would love to do nutrition.
    Well done in the race :)
    Love Olivia

    ps Just given you an award on my blog

  7. You're so close girl! Keep at it you're doing so great and such an inspiration! Just wondering, how tall are you?

    And you're gorgeous by the way even when running!

  8. Thank you so so much for your sweet comment on my post, it means so much and whenever I am tempted to over-eat at night I think of you. I know that we can find balence together!
    You look gorgeous and happy as always, and keep your passion for running in mind as a motivation to keep going forward. I know it is tough but just look at all the progress you have made already!
    You can do it girl<3 We can beat ED and become healthy.

  9. i know how hard you are working.........and it's very encouraging. it's evident that you are improving. :)

  10. I'm proud of you Haley! Definitely sound strong (mentally) this week, brave attitude. Here's hoping for a great week ahead of you

  11. I'm so proud of you and you should be too :) don't let the weight get you down, sometimes it's just really hard to gain but I know you'll get there if that's where your body wants to be.

    Oh and congrats on switching majors. I've considered nutrition too but I'm worried that it will affect me with my ED.


  12. I just found your blog and I am loving it. I can relate to a of of it.