Afraid to feel..

I hate being here in my apartment alone.
I went home this weekend, and things were so good.
Then I get back to Starkville, and I'm fine for a day or two, but then the loneliness sinks in again.
I was doing so well, but tonight I once again turned to food as a source of comfort..
Whether it was because I was lonely, depressed, bored, or a combination, I don't really know..
All that I know is that I was feeling terrible, and I thought eating couldn't make it any worse.
Except that it did.
I have been having super restrictive thoughts lately just cuz I look at myself and see this fat cow.
The restrictive thoughts have led me to eat very little/healthy the past few days, which in turn led to my binging tonight, I guess.

I'm just so frustrated because I was doing SO FREAKING WELL. I was happy.
And then I have to screw it up again.

I know that I need to be turning to God in times like this.
Food is not the answer.
Whether I am not eating or eating until I can't eat anymore, neither of these will make up for whatever feelings I am trying to suppress..
I just wish I could find the source of my sadness.
I know that there is a long list of traumatic things I try to avoid, but it just seems so crazy to me that things that I don't even think about on a regular basis could be expressed through my eating.
I know it's that way, though, because whenever events bring up these thoughts I turn to whatever I know best to deal with this reminded pain, that being restriction or binging.

I'm just so tired of it.
I'm sitting here crying as I type, ashamed of my actions and my thoughts. Ashamed of the backtracking and lack of hope.

I'm sorry I'm not in a better place.
I just needed to get this off my chest.
<3

Recovery

I have never wanted to start fresh more than I do at this very moment.
I am bound and determined that I will defeat whatever challenges life throws my way.
I know that I can get through it all, coming out on the other side stronger than ever.
Screw addiction. I am going for recovery.
<3 Haley

Non-diet meltdown

I actually had a meltdown on Wednesday afternoon. I had gone to the store earlier that day and picked up one of those gallons of Green tea. I prefer Arizona Diet Green Tea, but they didn't have any at Kroger that day, so I picked up Lipton Diet Green Tea.
I was studying all day, and doing random things around the house, just drinking out of the tea jug like always (Mrs. Terri always comments about how un-ladylike this is, ha). I looked down towards the end of the afternoon to find that I had drank about a third or more of a gallon of REGULAR, non-diet green tea.
Words cannot describe the panic that went through me.
I looked down at the calorie content.
80 calories per serving (8 oz.)
16 servings in the gallon.
OH. MY. GOD.

I freaked out. I just drank 500+ calories. Empty calories. This is a problem. I don't drink calories.
I called Connor on the verge of tears, and two minutes into the conversation I was bawling..
This was definitely a sign to me that I am not recovered.
Connor was right in that it is nothing to freak out over. I had run 10 miles that morning, plus swimming, plus circuits.. And I had eaten very light that day.
Maybe it was fate that I picked up the wrong gallon of green tea..
However, I did move on, and I did have a normal dinner PLUS post-dinner snack, even though after finding out my mistake I really just wanted to crawl into bed with an empty stomach.
P.s. I have the best boyfriend ever who puts up with so much from me. I am so very grateful for him and his patience, loyalty, and love. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I am so glad he's mine.

Since then, I have been doing pretty well.
I can't remember the last time I binged. :)
I have been trying to listen to my cravings and hunger signals, but it's hard cuz sometimes I feel like my cues to eat still aren't normal. I've been in recovery for a year now.. I don't get it :P
I find myself putting far too much space between meals and snacks, drinking lots of fluids, chewing gum, not noticing any hunger. Most of the time, I am not purposefully being restrictive with my food intake.
However, I feel like sometimes the fear of going back to binging is so great that it subconsciously pushes me towards a more restrictive diet, so I am really having to try and focus on keeping my meals balanced and sufficient.

Random picture of the girls and I getting stuck in mud on a morning run. :) *Almost 2 weeks ago!

Don't worry, I am confident that I can ward off anorexia. I can also conquer this binging.
Yea, the balance isn't the easiest to get right now, but I know that I am in a better place now than I have ever been.
I have the support of so many, and I am so grateful to you all, my family, and friends. I don't know where I would be right now if it wasn't for my therapist, nutritionist, Connor, the blogging community, and so many other unnamed others.. And I don't want to know.
Because I like where I am.
I like who I am.
Hell, I love who I am. *I have come so far to be able to say that, btw.* :)

Caroline, my best friend of 14+ years. <3
My eye is all squinty in this pic. Attractive ;)

My best friend Caroline and I hung out yesterday, and towards the end of our time together we started discussing my eating disorder.. Caroline also had anorexia throughout the beginning of high school. She went to Remuda in Arizona for inpatient rehab. Anyway, I told her how well I'm doing compared to just a couple weeks ago, and she surprised me by starting to cry. She sobbingly said that when she pulled into the Starbucks parking lot, where we met up, she immediately thought I looked so much better. Most importantly, she could tell that my personality was back. I was back to the old Haley.

I started crying, too, telling her I was sorry that I ever got anorexia. I didn't mean to turn into some sort of skinny bitch monster. I should have learned from her that starving yourself is not the way to lose weight and especially live life.
She quickly dismissed this thinking, truthfully stating that none of us plan on getting an eating disorder. It all happens so quickly.
We can't keep blaming ourselves for developing this disease. It happened. It's in the past. Now we must move on.
The good news is, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Caroline is so happy now, and right now, so am I. I can only imagine what life will be like when food is not a source of worry for me.

Until then, I'm going to keep fighting.
I hope you all have a great fourth of July weekend.
I'm going to have the best one ever. :)

<3 Haley

Update: Much better. :)

***UPDATES***


Eating- I'm doing much better!
I'm trying to listen to my body and feed it when it's hungry.. but sometimes I have to eat even when I don't really feel all that hungry just cuz I know I need it plus ED is the main thing that is stopping me, anyway.
Sooo yea!
I overate last night/was on the verge of a binge, but I stopped it.. I am much more aware of myself in these 'binging episodes' now, but the initial thrill of the binge definitely takes me off guard sometimes, and I get caught up in allowing myself to eat whatever I want, when really, I should be allowing myself these foods all the time.

School- Today was the last day of classes for the June semester of summer school. I made a 98 on my last Chemistry test this morning, plus I got 7 points for two bonus questions! That puts me at above a 100 for the class, so I only need a 120/200 on this final Thursday to get an A in the class! That's 60%! Since my lowest test grade is a 96, I think I can do it! :) Ahh, I am so happy all of my hard work has paid off so far.
I also took my last speech test today and got an 88. I barely studied since I was much more worried about Chemistry, but that's okay because I still made a high A in the class! Yay for being done with speech!

Running- Running has been wonderful the past couple days. I really enjoyed my 10 mile run Monday with my teammate Simone. We definitely went sub 7 minute pace after mile 2. She only ran 8 with me, though. I did the last two by myself.
That's usually how it is because my schedule has a little bit more mileage than everyone else. I really like the last bit of my runs though cuz if I feel like I didn't get much out of the run I can go a little faster on the last mile or two. Plus, it's a great time to think about everything.
My stomach hurt on the 8 mile run I had this morning, maybe from eating too much last night? But I stopped eating before 8:00, so that's strange.. Today was a bit slow, but I didn't mind too much mostly because of the fact that my stomach was flopping, plus we had company! We ran with two girls that are gonna be freshman this fall. I cannot believe I am so old! I'll be a junior! These girls probably see me as some kind of veteran on the track, but it's weird cuz I still see myself as a freshman!
We have a Kenyan tempo tomorrow. It's our first sorta-kinda workout of the summer!
4 miles easy, 4 miles progressively faster (ending at long tempo pace), and a 2 mile cooldown.
I'm really excited to get my legs moving and my heart racing! :) Tempos are my favorite!!

Farmer's Market goodies! This Saturday I bought four hair bows, three bell peppers, banana peppers, baba ganoush, and cherry tomatoes that seriously taste like candy from the local Farmer's Market. I'd never been before. I love it! P.s. The baba ganoush was gone in less than 48 hours. Look at that small container! :P

Oh, I've also been swimming every once in a while at the gym here at school. I find it very relaxing, and I'm slowly becoming addicted to it. I don't have goggles yet, so I am constantly running into the side floaty thingys. It's really annoying. For the life of me I cannot remember what that string is called right now. It's bugging me!! Ha, blonde moment! :P.
I'm pretty sure the lifeguards all laugh at me cuz my form is still pretty bad, and you can tell that I get frustrated with the side floaty thingys cuz I'll push them out of the way and swim harder, ha.
Anyway, I'm going home this weekend and getting goggles and hopefully a one piece swimsuit! I've been swimming in a sports bra and spandex.

(Part of) Lunch today: Yummy bowl of chocolate oatmeal/oatbran
with a banana fudge pudding + added almond milk swirled on top.

Mom- I texted her two nights ago with the same message that I sent my dad: "Goodnight. I love you." I told myself I wouldn't talk to her until she was at least __months sober, but I gave in.. I guess I missed her.. I just wanted to know she's alive and okay.
She responded with, "Did you mean to send that to me? I hope you did. I love you so much, and I miss you."
It made me tear up a little, but I responded, "Yes. I meant to send that to you. I miss you, too."
Today I also texted her about my Chemistry test.. She relapsed *cocaine & alcohol (for those that didn't know)* before I had even taken a test in the class, so she had no idea how I was doing, but she knew I had been worried about it since I don't consider myself to be very good at science..
Anyway, apparently Mom is getting her cervical cancer removed and then going to rehab. I heard all of this from my grandmother. I don't have any expectations, but I do hope that something changes this time around.
For now, I am taking things one day at a time.
Since I was 7, my dad has told me to be happy for every moment that we get with Mom rather than being sad about the ones we miss.. I always thought this was dumb since you're supposed to get time/have a relationship with your mom; it shouldn't be a privilege. But I understand that with addiction, things are different. Each day is a battle. So I am grateful that at least today she is sober.

Body Image- Still fighting ED voices..
Today I was looking back at pictures of me from earlier this semester, and I was shocked to see that I was so thin during these months where I thought I looked like a hippo! It's crazy how ED distorts our perceptions of our bodies..
So I know that I think that I look really fat/out of control/overweight now, but that is probably not the case.
I'm trying to remember that my body is stronger than ever before. I would never have been able to break 34 minutes in the 10k at 107 pounds, something that my 122 pound body CAN do, though. :)
*Sorry if the numbers are triggering. I have always used them on my blog.. For some reason numbers don't trigger me, but I know everyone is different. I hope no one uses my weight as a reason to restrict. Please don't. It's not worth it.*

I thought I'd remember the moment of a day where I'm NOT wearing tempo shorts and a t-shirt by taking a pic.
I dressed up one day last week to give a speech. :)

Wow, just to see that I typed, "It's not worth it", is crazy. It's crazy because half the time my mind ED is telling me, 'Don't eat that!', or 'You're allowed a snack, but only if it's carrots or an apple.'
So it's strange that I know it's not worth it, yet the temptation to go back to my old lifestyle is so strong sometimes, just because I didn't feel all the pain then that I do now.
I didn't feel much of anything, though.
And like some of you have said in comments on here, recovery opens a floodgate of emotions. As hard as it is, it's better to feel these emotions, both the good and the bad, than feeling nothing at all. I have to remind myself of this when things get tough.

Okay, so this was long. And it was only supposed to be a brief update- both for my sanity's sake and yours! I didn't want you all worrying about me.
Thank you for all of the concerns and prayers. They mean so much to me.
Each and every comment touches my heart more than you know. I read them over and over, reminding myself that a life with ED is no life at all.
Sometimes I get scared of who I will be without some sort of food addiction, but I am slowly finding that out, and honestly, I like this girl woman.. Yes, it's really scary and uncomfortable discovering who I really am and not relying on food to mask my emotions, but I know life is better this way.

My beloved sweet potato wedges baked in some cinnamon and maple syrup.
Originally, there were quite a few more wedges on the plate (I pick out the biggest sweet potatoes at the store!!), but I couldn't resist eating some before snapping this!

Love you all and I hope you have a lovely evening/day (depending on when you are reading this).
<3 Haley

P.s. My email is haleylovesgreen@gmail.com for anyone who wants to email/talk to me. *hint: Corrie ;) But that definitely goes for everyone, for anything! <3

It's a New Day

Okay, so last night obviously wasn't the best for me..
I restricted my calories to about 800 before 5:00, and I ended up way overeating before and during dinner.
I guess it wasn't a binge, but it was still wasn't normal eating behavior.

When Connor texted me at 8:30 to skype, I was feeling very depressed and disappointed in myself.
I wasn't in the mood to talk, and I let him know this.
Luckily, Connor was in a pretty good mood and he was feeling stubborn I guess, cuz he said he wouldn't hang up until I was feeling better.

He forced me to talk about what was bothering me, which I didn't want to do because I don't really like talking about my eating problems or self-confidence issues with Connor. No one wants to date someone with so many problems, right?
So I told him about how lonely I've been feeling. I expressed that I feel like a failure both in running and in school. I'm not doing poorly in either, yet they both seem to be taking so much more effort than I expected in order to yield the results I want. I also told him how badly it hurts that I don't have my mom anymore. I don't know why I have felt so abandoned recently. I think about her more than ever, and the pain is just unbearable.

I feel guilty for being angry with her. After all, she has an addiction. So do I. Who am I to judge her? 
But then I know that if I forgive her and let her back into my life again she'll just hurt me at some point when I least expect it.
So it's all kind of confusing and I feel very conflicted.

A picture from last Saturday's long run at the Refuge. P.s. I love these girls

Anyway, Connor was the best listener, (he usually is), but he was also great about giving me some advice last night. He reminded me that what's in the past is in the past. I can't worry about the weight gain from the binges or the fact that my last race didn't go as well as I wanted. Making up for all of my past mistakes won't work. The only thing I can do is try to make my life better starting now.
I don't really know what that means in terms of my mom, but it does make me feel much better about summer school, running, and eating.

I finished writing my last speech today, and I present it tomorrow. Then I have a speech test Tuesday.
My last Chemistry test is also Tuesday, and then I have the final on Thursday.
I have A's in these subjects at the moment, and I know that if I continue to work hard I will pull out an A in both classes.

Running is another story. My summer running schedule is broken up into three cycles. We just finished the last day of cycle 1 today. That means I'm only 1/3 of the way through with my training. Therefore, there is no need to freak out right now if I'm not as lean/fit as I know I need to be to race at the level I want to. If I continue to work hard, I'll get there.

Picture from the long run yesterday morning.
I'm second from the left.. I used this picture as proof to Connor that I'm fat now.
I know that's ridiculous, though. Plus it shouldn't matter anyway.
I guess I finally realized that I'd much rather be happy than anorexic.

As for eating, Connor recommended that I start to follow a schedule, sort of like a meal plan I guess. That way I don't end up eating too little for the day and then have to make up with it in these binging episodes. I thought it was a great idea. I had thought of it before, but I hadn't wanted to be constricted to the confines of a meal plan if I wanted something different that day. However, I'm allowing myself to be flexible with it, and hopefully it won't hinder my cravings or anything.

I started today with this new outlook, and it's working well so far. I've had a great day. :)
I have also been talking to God these past couple days, and whenever that happens I feel so much safer. I no longer feel the need to run to food or exercise as a source of comfort or a way to mask my pain.
I'm hoping that my relationship with Him continues to grow, because I know that it is only good for me.

If I look at all of the things that I am blessed with, there is no reason for me to be sad. I have friends and family that love me. I have the best boyfriend in the world. I have the ability to run, and I love every second of it. I am intelligent, and I am blessed with the opportunity to go to school to further my education. Some don't even get this much.
So all in all, life is good when you look at it from the right perspective.
It's easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side when you can only see yours..

I want to thank you all so much for the encouraging emails and comments I've been receiving.
I know it's no fun to read about someone who's going through so much and doesn't seem to be in a happy place, but you all have supported me beyond what I had ever dreamed.
I send you all my love, and I hope that you have the hope and determination that things will get better just like I do today. I'll try to maintain this attitude, cuz life's much better this way. :)

I'm excited for 10 glorious miles of running tomorrow morning. And for the conversation I'll be having with God, thanking him for the many gifts that I have been blessed with. :)
<3 Haley

Lonely

Life has been hard..
I don't know why, but it seems like ED is louder than ever.
I guess cuz I'm super stressed with school and everything.
I know that running shouldn't be adding extra stress in my life, but it is.
I love it so much, but I feel like I'm not good enough right now.
I need to be faster. I need to be leaner.
I have to be the best.

It's really dumb. And the drive to be perfect is making me want to restrict and then after a while of restricting all I want to do is binge.
It's not a fun cycle :/
Luckily the binging has subsided a pretty good bit this past week, but still..
I know that it would stop if I give myself enough fuel every day. It's just hard post-binge days when I know that I need to lose the weight of the previous binge.

When I went home last weekend I had no urge to binge. Okay, maybe a little.. but I didn't! I think it's because I finally felt satisfied with who I was and where I was..
I got to see some friends.
I was with Connor. I could see/feel/experience the love that he has for me, and it was so great. It reminded me that I am worth something to someone.
Since I'm staying in Starkville over summer, I don't get to experience that very often.
I'm lonely.. really lonely.
My roommate lives with Renee, a fellow teammate, and they spend all of their time together.
My other roommate moved out. All of my friends are back home, and I don't have much besides chemistry and speech to occupy my time here. And there's only so much studying one can do.
I guess my ED seems to be the only thing I have sometimes, and I cling to it as a companion of sorts.. how sad is that. :/

Anyway, my grandma called me earlier this week.

She said my mom burst into tears when she found out that I went home last weekend..

What did she expect? For all I know she was out getting high/prostituting herself for drugs.

But apparently she's sober now, and that means that I should just instantly forgive her.

It's hard when I know that she'll just hurt me again, though.

Part of me just wants to stay mad at her forever so that I don't have to deal with that hurt again.

My mom had grown into one of my best friends these past couple years of her sobriety.. I finally knew what it was like to be able to have a relationship with the one that gave birth to me.. now that's all over.

So all in all, I wouldn't say I'm doing too great.
I'm not in terrible shape, though, either.

I just miss being happy.

Sorry this post is uber debby downer :/
<3 Haley

I love roller coasters, but I don't want to live on one.

I feel like I'm in a much better place right now than I was last night, this morning, even a few hours ago..

I went to bed last night with a binge. I ran with the team, with a shirt on of course. I looked in the mirror before I left for the track disgusted with myself. Then I came home to start the morning off before school with a binge. What the heck.
I just felt so depressed/alone/I can't even describe it..
So I text my therapist and say, "I really do feel depressed.. I don't know what's wrong with me. :("
She responds a few minutes later by calling, but I was in class.
She leaves a voicemail telling me to call her back, and I do when class gets out early at 9:00.
As soon as she says my name on the other line, I burst into tears.. Where these came from? I have no idea.. But she tells me she is at the Union now and she would like to meet.

So I find her there and we start talking.. She says that she can notice this change in me within the past couple weeks, and it's worrisome.
Somehow this floodgate has opened though, and I feel so vulnerable, so exposed to all of my emotions.

We're sitting at a spot in the Union where I told her I remember I used to sit last fall between classes. I remember my stomach growling and me telling it to shut up. I will give you your 80 calorie non-fat yogurt in just a few minutes if you are patient! Now I cram spoonful after spoonful of yogurt and pb and granola in my mouth at night, not even tasting it. I hate both of these extremes.
But I tell her that I don't remember hurting near as much when I was in the height of my eating disorder. I didn't worry so much about others. I didn't focus on the pain I felt from others' actions, either. It was more about me, more about the food. As long as I concentrated on getting my daily calorie intake, it would all be fine.
Now, not so much. It's a good thing, really. But it hurts to feel so exposed the way I do.

[Taken in July].. I have to remember that this girl wasn't happy, either.
She just didn't feel anything, or tried not to, at least.

Anyway, we talk for almost an hour before I head off to Chemistry class.
I call her after class as she asked me to, and I find that she set up a doctor's appointment at the Student Health Center for this afternoon. We had talked this morning about how I may be suffering from depression, plus I haven't been sleeping very much.
So I go to the Health Center and she walks with me as we make our way to the doctor's offices. She tells a nurse that she'd like to speak to my doctor before he sees me. We part ways, and I go with the nurse as she has to get a few stats on me. She checks my weight, and I close my eyes. I don't want to know the number. But she says it aloud, anyway. :/ 123. What the heck. I'm thinking, "fatfatfat. Wow, you gained 4 pounds in a month. Out of control." I tear up then and there. But I try to stay calm as she checks my blood pressure/pulse rate. She hands me some forms to answer about anxiety/depression.
They were these statements like, "I am very critical of myself." or "I really worry over what others think of me.". Then there were bubbles 0-3. 0 being not at all. 1-somewhat. 2-moderate. 3-a lot. Most of my statements fell in the moderate range, with a couple "a lots", and quite a few 0's as well. I didn't have any of the panic attack symptons, just overall feeling worrisome/depressed statements pretty much.

So the doctor comes in after speaking to Dr. Tatem and tells me that based on my answers I am suffering from extreme depression. Me?? Extreme depression? I don't know.. I tell him that it's not all that bad.  I've just been going through a lot lately. Especially after my mom's relapse, it seems that every little thing is getting to me. Anyway, all of the blood work he needed was already done cuz of my countless previous visits for both ED checkups and track, so he didn't have to do much before prescribing something. He said that it looks like my B-6 levels are low, so he put me on this vitamin called Stresstabs that should raise these levels, and that will apparently keep my serotonin levels up. Then he prescribed a 10mg dose of Fluoxetine. It's not much. He said I probably won't feel any of the effects until next week. He also told me that I need to be on fish oil as well as a multivitamin. I knew this already, I just suck at taking them. Also I need to be better about taking iron! Gotta keep that in check.

Anyway, I don't really know how I feel about all of this.. part of the reason Dr. Tatem talked to him beforehand was to let him know that I don't want anything that causes dependency. My family has a bad history of addiction. P.s. I found out last night that my mom was buying adderall off my sister (who actually has ADD) for about a month before she technically 'relapsed'. Greeeeat.
So yea, he said it should be fine. I don't know.. I am excited to see if anything happens.

I really did not like this doctor, though. He downplayed everything I told him, and when he asked why I wasn't satisfied with my body I told him that I felt like I was fat. He says, "but you are not fat. You have very little body fat on you, if any at all." He proceeds to show me by squeezing my hip that I don't have fat. I understand his argument or whatever, but the point I am trying to make is that I feel fat. It doesn't matter if I really am fat at all. If you feel a certain way, then that makes it true for you.
He goes on to say that I'm "lucky [I] don't have the other end of eating disorders." He says that some people just eat and eat and eat!! I'm respond with, "Well I am like that. It's just every other day or so." He's like, "Oh no, you don't have what they have. They gorge themselves, and they're so big." I said, "Eating 2000 calories in an hour is disordered eating, no matter what size you are." But he just wouldn't kept arguing, not listening.
I find this man to be very ignorant. You could just tell that he hates fat people. Seriously, dude? He kept talking about how they eat Mcdonald's every meal and it's disgusting. "You look super thin compared to most. I mean, Mississippi is the fattest state, you know!" he tells me. Umm, yea, I know. But what does that have to do with me? Just because some people eat fast food does not downplay my problem. I don't know.. I was just very annoyed.

I came home to talk to Connor on skype for about an hour. This really cheered me up. We've kinda been on the rocks these past couple weeks, with me being weird/sad and dealing with everything that is going on. But we talked through a lot of stuff, and I am so glad that we did. Sometimes ED is on the hush-hush in our relationship cuz neither one of us wants to talk about it cuz it controls my life so much already; we don't want it in our relationship, too. But it's there, whether we discuss it or not.
The difference with this conversation was that Connor finally got to talking. He told me his feelings regarding my ED and how my going from super high- "I'm never gonna binge again" to super low-"I hate my life.." affects him. We compared it to my mom and her relapsing. So I understand that he doesn't take either one of this statements too literally because they're just temporary. That's the way I view my Mom's words, as well.
But it was good to see that my ED is not only affecting me. It affects others, too. My life can't stay like this, with me and everyone else being hung on this emotional roller coaster. I can't imagine all that I have put Connor through, and I so very grateful for him and the rest of my support team, as well, family and friends alike.

Taken the last time I saw my handsome man.. almost a month ago.

This is long. Very long. To all who have commented, and even those that just read, thank you. I didn't get to read your words until this afternoon, but they mean so much. I am going to keep them in mind as I welcome a new, stable perspective on life and myself.

I've gotta do what that one post said and learn to be happy with myself. I deserve that. Yes, I'm uncomfortable in my body at the moment, but once I stop binging and then purging through extreme exercise/diet then my body will find it's natural weight, and I'll have to accept that.

My eyes are so tired from crying. I took a nap before writing this, and I'm about to write a speech I give in class on Monday. Then I've got a bunch of Chem to work on. I'm going home after my long run with the girls in the morning, so that should be good. I was going to go home today, but with so much going on, I just needed to stay here and rest for a bit.

Btw I got a 95% on my last speech, so thank you for the good luck wishes!
Also, I walked out of my Chemistry exam this past Tuesday in tears, sure that I had failed it. I called Connor and cried. Then I cried for another half hour. I go to class the next day to find that I made the highest grade, and he curved it so much that I got above a 100%. Things like this let me know that I do worry too much..

I hope you all have a great night. Thanks for always being there for me, through my roller coaster. Hopefully things will be better soon, starting right now.
<3