I can't... breathe

True love. I thought I had it.

But is it really, if only one person is truly in love?

I wish my knees didn't hurt so bad that I could run.

I wish I could run away from ever having fallen so deep in love with someone who obviously doesn't feel the same way..

He told me he would never hurt me..
This is pain far worse than I ever could have imagined..

My heart is broken, and my world is crashing down around me.

Dixie Chicks always bring up tears and memories

I was just listening to Dixie Chicks.. They were my favorite band as a kid. I went through a country phase, and they are the only ones that are still around.
As anyone who has listened to them knows, Dixie Chicks have their fair share of sad songs..

Anyway, I find that I'm shedding tears with every other song on shuffle..
Obviously there are some suppressed emotions here.

I miss my mom.
I wish I had a home, and a family.
I hate that I wasted the cross country season, but more importantly I hate that I wasted the past 6 months of my life fixated on how screwed up I am instead of trying to turn things around.

Why is it that we are so dependent on certain things?
For me, if eating, running, and my relationship with Connor aren't going well then nothing is..
Oh, and ALL THREE of those have to be going well for me to be happy, for me to ALLOW myself happiness..
It's hard for me to accept anything other than perfection, especially with these things..
I don't understand why I can't just accept a 7:30/min pace for an easy run, why I can't see a day of indulging in a cookie as anything less than a failure, or why I feel like I have to be doing something wrong if Connor doesn't have a smile on his face at all times.

For some reason, everything else can be messed up.. I think I expect them to be, really..

I think that a the major problem in my life has to do with my relationship with God.


I want Him when I want Him.
I accept his love and obey his commands when I feel like it.


Of course there are certain things I still sway on..
Are homosexuals going to hell?
What about those that never had the chance to know Jesus? Do they burn?


I would like to think that the answer is no for both of the above questions, but really, I don't know.
No one does.


I often turn to him when I am weak, and I turn to him sometimes when I am strong, but He has never been a constant presence in my life.


It's time that I stop blaming others, other things, and myself for the problems in my life. It's time that I accept these shortcomings as a blessing instead, allowing for me to grow with each and every obstacle I overcome.
I know that every one I have tackled so far has only led to good things in terms of my becoming the person I plan to be.


God works in mysterious ways.
And He loves each and every one of us so much.
Sometimes I just wanna scream (and sometimes I do) that this cannot be true. If so, he wouldn't leave me out to dry like this.
But then I have moments like this, moments when I feel Him holding me, telling me that it is all going to be okay, and I should have faith that tomorrow may bring some important changes in my life if I choose for it to.


I'm sorry if this post was too religious for some of you, but I feel that the Lord has called on me to post about Him and all that He has done for me and all of you.
We are still alive to breathe this beautiful air, to walk with two mobile legs, to see this blog post with our very own eyes. 
It's crazy how small and insignificant we are in this world, yet He loves us all. Just the way we are.
It gives me hope when I wonder what I am doing here if I can't even run close to the times I was last year at this time, when Connor and I have those stupid little fights, when I choose to binge after a long day of refusing any food over X calories..

Anyway, to update on my life..
I am back to running.. Well kinda. I seriously got the worst chaffing in the world last week, and I kept running on it, so now my skin is RAW. I decided to bike and elliptical instead because those do not cause my legs to rub together, and it has gotten much better.. I am gonna try to run tomorrow morning, and I cannot wait.
I seriously am so far away from the fitness level I want or need to be at, but I know I will get there if I work as hard as I can. I am a very hard worker, and when I decide I want something, I go after it.
And I want to be good again. I am starting to love running again.
But in order for me to continue this love affair with my sport, I need to tone down on the expectations and criticism I give myself. I love running just because it is running. The reason this season sucked is because I was mentally exhausted from beating myself up so much. I'm tired of that.

Connor and I are doing really well.. We had a kinda big fight the other day, but that is to be expected.. They happen sometimes. Especially when I am at his house practically 3/4 of the break. His mom and I butt heads a lot, so that puts a strain on our relationship when we are around each other so much, especially now that she does not have a job. The good news is that Conrad and I worked it out, and we are happy as ever. I can't wait to get back to Starkville, though, where I will finally feel comfortable in my home.

Eating- wow.. all over the charts..
Some days are great. I eat well-balanced meals.. no restricting, just trying to give my body what it wants and NEEDS.
Other days I start off bad and end worse.. It's like just because I ate a dove chocolate at breakfast, that means I must finish the night gorging on Nutella or cookies or whatever.. so dumb.
Some days I THINK I'm doing well, but I get to the end of the night and realize that I am at 1000 calories.. Connor then gets angry. I get defensive. I say it's okay cuz I need to lose weight, anyway!
But yea.. I know, not cool.
Connor has been asking me how my day (of eating) has been every night at 8:30 for the past week now.
At first it made it even worse.. I don't know how that's possible, but I binged right from the start.
Now I have gotten much better.
I'm trying to figure out what it is about these foods, these times, these emotions that cause me to want to gorge myself on unhealthy foods..
I am definitely making progress, and I am honestly very proud of myself.

One thing I am definitely not proud of is my body and my fitness right now, but like I said, I am working on those things, and I am trying to accept where I am right NOW.

Family- I miss my mom.. I haven't spoken with her since before my grandmother's accident. She used to call so often. Now I get a call maybe once a week. It saddens me. It shouldn't really, considering that I ignore every single call.. It's actually selfish of me to wish her to continue calling, yet I do.
I know she loves me so much, and I wish I could just call and tell her that I love her, too, in case she has her doubts..
But I know I can't without getting caught up in all of her drama. And who knows if she is sober today.. who knows if she'll believe me, that depending on whether or not she is doped up.. It's a lose-lose.

I am also worried for my sister.. She seems to be drinking a lot, and with my family's history that is not something to play around with.. She is nothing like me. This is both a good and a bad thing. I wish she had more drive when it comes to planning her future. She should be in college or at least planning a career. Instead she is working at a semi fast food place while partying every other night. I just want more for her because she deserves more and she CAN do more.

My brother needs love and guidance, and I'm not there to give it to him. I wish I was, but I'm not. And when I do talk to him I feel like he doesn't listen to anything I am saying. He doesn't want to. Maybe I'm too late. Maybe I'm like the preacher advocating abstinence when I have slept with a nun.. I don't know.

My dad's good. He loves me so much. And I love him, too. I wish I was around more for him, but he doesn't say much to me when I'm there.. We have a history, and when things happen to make him scream and get angry, it reminds me of how it used to be with us, which makes me want to flee.. But I know that he has changed, and so have I. He's a good man. Not many men can say that they raised three kids on their own, with seriously no help. Plus, I do. I just love him, not just because I have to.

Okay, anyway.. I have rambled on and on.
Time for bed. I leave for Starkville in the morning.
Too many thoughts going on in here.
I pray each and every one of you start out the new year great.

My dad has always told me, "Nobody can MAKE you anything.. happy, sad, mad, etc.. Other people do things, and you have the ability to CHOOSE how to react." It's something to think about..
If this is case, remember that we choose happiness. So do it, choose it, be it.
Love,
Haley

Mother's Day, every day, without a mom

So tonight my roommates and I were enjoying our study-break time together during this stressful week of final exams, and the topic of mothers came up when my roommate Cat mentioned her mother's constant facebook updates about her daughter.. Two other roommates had similar stories about their moms displaying their pride in their daughters via the world wide web, as well..
Lots of mother talk ensued, followed by family talk...

It felt just like the Mother's Days we used to have in Elementary school.. the ones where we would make some cutesy craft or picture for our moms and show them when they all came in to take a group picture with us..
There were several times like that.. Teachers would send home a permission sheet, and they would tell us to ask our moms to sign it; moms would come in to read to the class; moms volunteered to work in the school clinic.. My dad worked full time as well as being the single parent of three, and he couldn't do all of that school volunteer stuff. I probably wouldn't have wanted him to, anyway. I love my dad very much, but it was the principle of having a mom there that I missed. And that's what it felt like tonight.. I wished I had the memories like they do, good ones, to speak of.

I have always had a mother, but never a mom..
I have had a few brief moments, but never the real thing.. Snapshots of my brother, sister, and I visiting several different rehab centers; birthday cards on most that she missed, always telling me she was getting better and would be home soon; the few on and off months she lived with us, catching her drunk upstairs with my younger brother in the room trying to make her stop; I even had almost 2 years of sobriety with her.. 2 years that I will never forget.. But all of these moments were ruined with one sip.

To this day, I still am unsure if it is the disease or the choosing of alcohol and drugs over us that has caused her absence in my life..

I miss having a mom.. I know I have moms in my life, specifically Connor's, who take such great care of me and love me dearly, but it is not the same..

Sadly, I don't even know where my own mother is or what she is doing.. Is she still in jail? Is she out? Why am I getting phone calls from both inside and outside prison, then? I don't answer, so I have no way of knowing..
I can't answer. It hurts to talk to her. (But doesn't it hurt just as much to ignore?)

She put my grandmother in the hospital this time. Mama Sissy had to have surgery, and she'll probably stay in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. My mother strangled and hurt my aunt, her sister. And of course she said and did the same awful things that she does every. single. time. she is under the influence of alcohol and cocaine.
I can't just let that go.

My mother always comes at me with, "Haley, you know what it's like to have a problem.. to have an addiction, you have one too.. you can't judge me."
And that tears me up so bad.. she knows that it does.
It makes me feel like I'm just like her when I want so badly not to be.

I don't know what to do anymore.
I want to be there for her. I want her to know how loved she is, because I truly do love her with every fiber of my being, otherwise I would have given up on her long, long ago.
But the hurt is so heavy now.. heavier than ever before.
Talk of mothers hasn't cut so deeply since I was 7 years old and my mother had just recently left us..

And now, 14 years later, I have reached the point at which I am finally letting her go.

I love you Mom. I haven't given up; I just can't have my heart ripped to pieces to be half-stitched back together one more time..
<3 Haley

Less than perfect

Last night one of my roommates approached me after our 'house meeting' and asked if we could speak one on one.. We talk frequently, so I wasn't sure what it was about; I said sure.
She took me aside and began with, "Haley.. I just want to let you know that you mean so much to me and everyone else who lives here, and I have been wanting to tell you this for a long time.. I want you to know that you are so much more than a runner. You are more than a straight A student, an athlete, etc.. You are a child of God, and you will always be perfect in His eyes." 
Of course I am summarizing, but I do remember one quote word for word: "Haley, I will love you whether you go out and run 20 miles or if you decide to sit your butt on the couch all day."

I didn't realize how much that would mean to me.. I always feel like I am expected to be this amazing RUNNER/leader/student/daughter/girlfriend.. and I know that no one really expects me to be perfect.. but it's hard when I am surrounded by so many that only look at me as a runner and nothing more.

*Disclaimer: I seriously do love running again.. I want to run. I do love being known as a runner. Sometimes I feel like that is all some people see me as, though, and that is only one part of me.*


I have so many quirks and annoying habits, and my personality can be quite obnoxious when I'm super hyper/happy/crazy.. but I love who I am.. I SHOULD love who I am.

I am perfect, perfectly flawed.

I am so very tired of comparing myself to sick girls on my team.. or anyone whose only thoughts and goals in life are running.. comparing myself to people who put their entire life on facebook for the world to see and envy.. comparing myself to women in magazines or on tv I'm sure we all wish we could look like, dress like, act like, be loved like..

Not going to lie though, I am still struggling. I am bigger than I want to be. I am not running like I want to be *injured*. I am not strong enough in my faith like I want to be. I am not PERFECT like I want to be.

But I am working on everything, and I am a work in progress..

One of my favorite artists is P!nk..

Tonight I decided to listen to her song and the watch the music video, "F***in' perfect" Click to watch > Music video.

It just makes me sad knowing that the girl in the video sees herself in such a negative light, when the rest of the world and especially God knows that she has so much more going for her.

Last night my roommate and I ended up discussing my body image issues, and she mentioned her own issues, "What, you don't think I look in the mirror every day and hate what I see?" 

You see, my roommate is overweight.. I'm not trying to be mean here, but I need to say it in order to get the story across..

When she said that, my heart literally hurt.. I know she is big and all, but she is always so confident and happy, and she is truly such a beautiful person.. It hurts me to think that she would associate herself with any sort of hatred.

So if it hurts us to know that others are so harsh on themselves then why are WE?

We should treat ourselves with more respect, love, and tolerance. We deserve that.

I hope everyone reading this will be inspired to embrace your imperfections and begin to love them or change those habits, quirks, actions if they bother you so much.. But don't change who you are. Be true to yourself.

I hope this blog post reminds you all that EVERYONE is struggling. You are not alone. You do not have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. No need to strive for your own version of perfection because, honestly, you will never get there. No one can.
But you can be the best that you can be, the most beautiful you, by treating yourself and others with more love than you ever have before.

So much love,

<3 Haley

Letting go of ED, grabbing hold everywhere else.

Okay, so hiiiii everyone, if anyone is reading..
If not, then just hi to cyberspace..
Umm I know I have been gone for a loooong time.
Buuuut I just love blogging at random times, and I know that right now it will do me some good..

To catch everyone up, my cross country season was Craaaap with a capital C.
Why? Several reasons probably.. the most important being that I felt burnt out from running.. I didn't enjoy it anymore, and I began to associate it with my ED. I wanted so bad to leave that world (ED) of unhappiness, loneliness, selfishness, worthlessness, etc..

Not until recently did I decide to get my head out of my butt and start over with running.
I acquired a new attitude, and I was so excited to battle for the rest of the year just like I did last year. However, soon afterwards, I found that my calf was hurting so badly that I began to limp when running..

I got an MRI the week after SEC's, and the doctor read it as clear.. So many people were telling me that it was just shin splints (including the doctor).. And that has been really frustrating because it hurts so badly, not like shin splints..
So the past couple weeks have been rough.

I've been cross training, (bike, pool, elliptical, etc..) and nothing hurts other than walking and running.
Most of the time I can't even walk without a gimp..

So I obviously did not run Regionals last weekend.. and I'm glad I didn't because I don't think I would have been very much help at all, and I probably would have hurt myself even worse..
I went to see Katie (trainer) when we got back this week, and she suggested that I see another doctor.. So yesterday I went to see another doctor, and this doctor actually seemed interested in my leg! He touched it, asked me questions, and said that it sounded to him like a gastrocnemius muscle tear..
He checked the MRI that the previous doctor had read as clear, and we all could easily see the tear in my leg that the previous doctor had missed..

I left the doctor smiling this time.
Of course I am not happy to be injured, but this is great news that it is not a stress fracture, and at least now I know what it is.
The doctor says that I will be back running by December 15th, and I am MORE than happy.
I seriously did not realize how much I would miss it. Sure, a couple days off is cool sometimes, but by the time I start running again I will have been off for at least 6.5 weeks.. So I know if I am itching to run now that I definitely will be by then.

Anyway, other than that.. things have been really different..
Sometimes I am way up, and sometimes I am way down.. I am dealing with a lot of family stuff right now, and I didn't realize until recently just how much of an effect all of that has on me..

But anyway, I am finding out who I am, and I am learning to love myself.
The only thing that I hate is my hold on my eating disorder.. sometimes I still find myself having very anorexic thoughts and I'll think that maybe today I can just eat 1000 calories and work out for an hour and half and lose half a pound..
Other days I go on the other end and just want to eat everything in sight, and I think it's because I want so badly to get away from my anorexia... there's something in me that calls for food, even if I'm not hungry.. it's like a void in my life that I fill with anything and everything I can get my hands on..

So yea, there's too much to mention everything in my life in this one blog post, but I want everyone to know that even though this blog is pretty negative, I am soooo much happier now than ever, and I have made some of the best friends this year, Jodie and Mollie. *No pics of Mollie cuz she hates the camera, ha. Also, I live in a wonderful house with wonderful roommates (4 other girls, eek! ha) ;) And Connor and I now have the best puppy in the whole world. Oh, and as always, I love Connor ;)

Connor's head and my baby girl PUPPY, Riley!!

Best friend Jodie :)

I'll write more often cuz there's just TOO much to say now.

Lovelovelove everyone that reads this.

Oh, and I am really growing in my relationship with Christ. It's super awesome. Just sayin'

<3 Haley

Mom relapsed; I'm hurting.

I'm going through a rough time right now..

I set up my voicemail on my Iphone Monday night, and all of a sudden I had 14 new voicemails.. Oops.

Two of them were from my mother.

She left one towards the end of August and one on September 3rd..

The September 3rd voicemail was left from the number that she used to call me on when she relapsed.. some 751 number with music playing in the background.. my heart stopped..

I was already texting my dad, so I text him asking about Mom..

"Where's Mom? I just realized I haven't talked to her in forever.. Did she relapse?"

Dad responds saying that yes, she did relapse, and she is at Lakeside Hospital in the drug and alcohol center.. 

My heart hurts. I try to be strong, asking, "Why didn't anyone tell me? When did she relapse? When will she get out of Lakeside?"

Dad pretty much tells me that he didn't tell me because he knows how I worry and try to take her burdens on myself.

I know he's right, but I'm still upset.

I'm not a child; I deserve to know what's going on..

So Wednesday morning we had a workout, and of course I sucked it uuupppp.

We did a 1200 on a flat/downhill course with 90 seconds rest and then ran a 400 uphill pretty fast with 4 minutes rest before the next 1200. We did 5 reps.

I don't know what happened, but my body just wouldn't go.

Mentally, emotionally, physically, I was drained..

I hadn't eaten the best the day before.. 

Tuesday during the day I had way too much pb at lunch.. almost a complete binge.. I guess I would call it a binge, but it wasn't as much as usual.. And then I had a small-ish dinner and went to bed and woke up kinda hungry..

My trainers saw that I was getting dizzy, I was looking like I was about to pass out, and so they continued to shove Peanut butter Gatorade bars down my throat..

Yes, I felt better once I had some food in me, but I still sucked (finished 6th on the team towards the end).. And anyway, I don't think that's the problem..

I feel like I'm letting all of my emotional damage mess with my running..

Mom & I Christmas eve 2010

My dad texted me Wednesday morning worrying about how I was doing, and I replied saying how horrible the workout went.. 

He said that he's not surprised because the mind, body, and soul are all connected, and if one is out of whack it is hard for the others to function properly.. I agree with this concept..

So I've been trying to get back on track, but it's so hard..

I mean, isn't it sad that I didn't talk to my mother for 3 weeks before realizing that we hadn't spoken in a while??

Isn't it sad that the only way I know about my sister is through facebook??

And how pathetic is it that the guys team asked me where she goes to school and I responded saying, "I don't really know.. I think she may be in community college..?"

I know she was trying to get in, but she applied late, so I'm not sure whether it worked out.

I miss her.

We fought all the time in high school, but we're so different and we had so much going on throughout our childhood.. I can't really blame her for acting out against me or anyone else.

And my brother is probably going through so much right now, too.. I can't even imagine how he feels..

I feel disconnected from my family, and it hurts..

But so much s*** happens that sometimes it's easier that way.

Sara, me, Dad, and Reed at my high school graduation, May 2009

My mom called me from some random number Thursday night when I was pulling dinner out of the oven.. I answered and my heart stopped again when I realized it was her on the line..

I could tell she was slightly messed up plus she had been crying, so I told her I couldn't talk right now even though she said she really needed to talk to me..

She asked if she could call me back at 9 that night. I said yes.

But when she called, I saw the number, and I hurt too bad to answer.

What am I supposed to say?

I'm tired of the hurt.

I'm tired of loving her, caring for her, being there for her every time she relapses..

Yet I can't let her go.

I know she loves me.

I don't doubt that for a second.

But I hate her disease.

I hate mine, too.

I hate addiction. I hate this disconnection I feel from her and the world.

At least things with my dad are infinitely better than high school. He is my biggest fan, and I love him so much.

This morning I had an 8 mile tempo run.. 47:17. My teammate Renee did 47:09. We did the last three miles on the track, and with 800 to go she left me but tried to pull me along.

My legs hurt, my body hurt.. I was weak.

I'm worried about this year.

Running-wise, things are much different.. I am not as obsessive over every single mile, but is that a bad thing?

Is obsession/anorexia/making running your life the price that you have to pay to be good?

I'm making B's on all of my tests so far.. I feel overweight..  I don't feel like I'm excelling in anything :/

Yes, overall, I am still happy, and I am loving my life without food/running/being perfect being the center of everything.. but sometimes I miss that on top of the world feeling.

I feel like the world is on top of ME. And the pressure is just too much sometimes.

Okay, so that's a lot to say..

There's a lot of emotion in here.. a lot of things that I haven't addressed or felt in a long time.

But I just needed to get all of this off my chest.

If you read all this, you're a hero, ha.

I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer in this post. Life is good.

It's just hard.

And I find myself being sad without even noticing it..

Connor and I were making dinner last night, and I was chopping the onion.. It made me cry.. I never cry with onions, but I figured this one was just especially potent.. But then Connor looked over at me and said that I actually look sad, like it's not just the onions that are making me cry..

And that's kinda what's been going on lately.. every opportunity I have to be sad, I take it.. I don't want to be, but I just miss my mom and I wish that her actions proved the love that she has for us..

I wish I had more than 6 months of sobriety with her.

Okay, I'll stop writing.

<3 

Late night lab & happy goofiness

Just finished a freaking long lab report for 'Introduction to Food Preparation' class.
It was about sensory evaluation.
What a fun lab, though! Eating gummy bears, mushrooms, pretzels, pineapple, grapes, chocolate, almonds to identify their flavor, texture, aroma, and appearance. Too bad the report wasn't as much fun as the taste testing ;) haha, oh well.
I love nutrition :)

Yummy pasta and bread to fuel my beautiful teammates & I on pre-race day :)

P.s. I won the home meet this weekend! 5k in 17:48.. it wasn't the fastest time, and now I wish I had gone faster in the middle, but oh well! A win is a win! Plus that's 30 seconds faster than last year at this time, so really I shouldn't be complaining.
Also, I am so much happier now than I was a year ago; it's crazy.

My amazing friend/roommate Mollie was just going through her facebook messages, and she came across a message she sent to her mom on September 20th of LAST YEAR in which she was asking her mom to pray 'for her friend Haley who is really having a hard time dealing with her mom situation' and she mentioned that I wasn't eating.. I think that is just so crazy that I am in a completely different place now.

My boo :)

And I am so sososoosososo much happier.
Seriously, I didn't know life could be this good a year ago.
Yea, life sucks sometimes. It's not a birthday party every day. Buuuut, I will take the good with the bad.
Cuz now I'm so goofy and I love it :)

Creepin' in the background ;)

<3 Haley