12 miles w/ broken tempo

2.5 mile easy
2 mile tempo- 11:33
.5 mile easy
2 mile tempo- 11:34
.5 mile easy
2 mile tempo- 11:11
2.5 mile cooldown

I know I ran fast, but I feel like it should have been easier to hit the times that I did..
Today was the first day of summer training that I actually hurt like I do in a race.
I love that.
As my coach's wife was pulling away from me during the second set, I was thinking, "Is this what you're going to do in a race, Haley? At SEC's, you're just going to lay down and let Florida/Vanderbilt/Georgia run to the Championship title? No ma'am!" So I pushed.
And it felt so good to run fast and run through pain. The finish was the best part. I felt like I was flying, and I could have gone forever. *Although, in reality I probably could not hold onto that pace for very much longer at all, ha!*

This is why I love running!
This is why I need to continue fueling my body.
I also need to work on doing all of the little things right.. eat, sleep, hydrate.. all very important and necessary for optimal training.

P.s. My nutritionist that had a baby foreveeerrr ago and I haven't seen (in session) since, Kelly, texted me today saying she read my blog and was wondering if I'm doing okay and if I want to come in and see her.
I know she read it cuz I accidentally did this stupid facebook app that publishes your posts to the news feed. EEk! So I deleted it.
Nevertheless, I replied saying it would probably be good for me to see her, but I don't want to know my weight. I know it's high, and that would just be triggering for me, I think.

Also, my therapist is out of town at a psych convention, but she called last night to check on me, and she said she'll call later this week to kind of do a session over the phone..? Idk! She really cares for me. I think it will be good to talk to her.

Annddd I am moving into my new house this Friday!!! Woot! I'm moving little things in now, but I will officially be out of my apartment with all of these horrible memories in less than 2 days!
So excited :))

Hope everyone is having a happy Hump day :)
<3

Running towards recovery

Why is my life a never ending roller coaster? :P

I guess I should start with the 12th-ish of July..

That is the day I realized that I have ONE MONTH until cross country practice begins..

I went kinda psycho that day I guess cuz I calculated how many calories I need to eat in order to lose 10 pounds in this month..

I decided that I would eat 800-1300ish a day, while running 75ish miles a week.

Yea, I know.. stupid..

I got really serious about it, though, about a week and a half ago.

So Connor came to visit me this past week.

He got here on Tuesday, and it was lovely. We had a great time, that is, until every mealtime rolled around..

Connor would want to eat pasta.. Pasta?!! That's all carbs!! I don't need those calories!

So I'd make a huge yummy salad.. Yes, I enjoyed the salad, but I was depriving myself of nutrients and calories I needed. I was counting calories. I was food logging, and I was beginning to get obsessive.

One day I ended up at 900, and I was SO excited and proud of myself.

What is wrong with this picture??

Ha, but seriously..

So Connor wanted to go out to eat one of the last nights he was here.. We went out to Old Venice Friday night, our favorite pasta place.. I had a huge freakout even allowing myself to go out, let alone for Italian.

I ended up ordering a salad and splitting half a flatbread veggie appetizer with the boy.

I still felt pretty hungry before bed, so I made a sweet potato with some sugar-free maple syrup, cinnamon, and PB2. 

I was proud of myself for fueling myself for the next morning's long run.

And I could tell that I had extra energy Saturday morning, too. It was one of my best long runs of the summer. I ran with a sophomore named Joseph from Starkville high, and we really pushed each other. He wants to win Mississippi's state title, and I want to be All-American. ha :P

I want to run towards a healthy, happy lifestyle, full of love and laughter.
Cheesy, I know.. But it's my dream. I think I can do it.

Anyway, Connor left, and I realized that I was alone, yet again..

And I was hungrier on Saturday than usual, so I ate more than I had planned, and I didn't really count calories.. This led to my feeling like I was a failure. I can't even 'diet' correctly..

So Sunday I woke up late, and I had NO desire to run..

I thought maybe I'd run later, but nah.. didn't feel like running then, either.

I know it's horrible, but am I getting burnt out already??!

What is wrong with me?

I'm Haley.. Miss 'Please, give me more mileage!', Miss 'I know the schedule said 12 miles easy, but I did 14 and I was going 6:10 pace by the end'.

Since when am I too lazy to do a 4 stinking mile easy run on Sunday?

I was miserable.

I cried. I binged. I balled. I slept. I binged. I studied. repeat.

This morning my alarm didn't go off in time.

I woke up at 6, missing the 5:30 A.M. running date that I had actually set up for the other girls and I.

So I slept in, and then went to Psych and then to Chem where I took my third test.

I got home to check the computer and find out that I got a 97 on my third test. Thank goodness because the second one was an 81. Hopefully I do better on the fourth one because you can drop your lowest grade, and if I can have three A test grades going into the final I will feel much better.

Even that didn't get me out of this rut, though..

I somewhat binged and then studied for my Psych test tomorrow.. Then slept until I ran with some other girls on the team at 6:30. I made it 4.5 miles, and I had to stop to go to the restroom..

My stomach was killing me!

I contemplated walking the 2 miles back to the track, but I saw a couple of my teammates leaving a local restaurant, so I pulled myself together and ran back to catch up with a couple of my teammates that I had previously left..

I stole the running pics from my friend Sam's blog.

When I got back we all went to the restroom and then stretched and got to talking..

I let my friends/teammates Adriana and Dom know that I have been having a pretty hard time, lately.. It was really good to confide in friends that I know really care for me.

The thing is, I don't really even have a reason for the way I've been feeling..

Things with my dad are so much better than they were 2 years ago.. I have the best boyfriend in the world.. My mother has 50? days of sobriety.. I am doing well in school..
Yet I put all of this stress on myself.

It's like I'm never good enough. I'm not smart, pretty, thin, fast enough.

For who? No one else expects perfection. Except for me, that is.

Anyway, I only ran 6.5 out of the 11 miles I was supposed to run today.

My stomach wouldn't let me go anymore than that.

And for once I'm okay with this.

Because I know that tomorrow is a new day.

I'm going to fuel my body.

I'm not going to limit my calories to freaking 1200 a day..

I'm going to work on fueling my body because I realized tonight that I love what I do. I love running.

I hate these pressures I put on myself. They make me miserable, and they completely distort my perception of myself and my sport.

No one else expects me to be the fastest in the nation. They just expect my best.

So that's what I'm going for.

I hope everyone has a great week.

Your comments, thoughts, and prayers mean so much to me.

<3 Haley

P.s. I will be doing the Q&A as soon as things will school settle down. Let me know if yall have any more questions!

Struggling..

I know I haven't posted in a while..
Things were going really well.
Or at least I thought they were.
Now my world seems to be caving in around me.
I don't even really have much of a reason.
I don't know when I'll hit bottom.
I hope this is it.
I'll post more soon.
<3

Questions, anyone?

I'm thinking I'm going to do a Q&A post sometime soon.
I've had several readers email me asking various questions, and I'm just gonna open up to anyone that wants to know.. well, anything!

So comment on here or email me at haleylovesgreen@gmail.com, and I will try to answer any questions you may have about me, running, eating, life, my favorite color ;), whatever!!
Your questions will remain anonymous, by the way.

4th of July swimming with my boy! I miss him!

As for me, I had a great 9 mile run this morning. I am finally feeling energized. I'm not bloated from eating too much, and I'm not weak from hunger. Remember that food is your friend. It makes your legs go fast! ;) At least that's what I'm hoping for my 12 mile run (with 5 miles @ progressive tempo pace) tomorrow!
Also, I made a 96 on my first Chem 2 test yesterday. :) Life is good!

P.S. Conrad started blogging again. Check it out. :P

Lots of love!!
<3 Haley

Beautifully Broken

Deciding the title for my blog posts has never come easy to me..
But tonight, upon reading an email from one very sweet follower, these words resonated through my head: "Beautifully broken".
The reader didn't mention either of these words, but the message that she sent made me realize that this is what I am.

My blog is not one that screams recovery, nor is it one that screams eating disorder.. I feel like I'm in the middle. Some days I am doing well, other days, not so much.
But the thing is, I am trying.

I'm not <15% underweight, nor am I obese..
My natural wave of thinking is that I must be one or the other.
I know how illogical that sounds, but sometimes when I see myself all that I see is this overweight cow.
Since 115 pounds is the lowest healthy BMI weight for me, that must be what I should be.
But who says that's the case?
I am an athlete. And obviously I have done well with the weight that I have gained, so that should be proof that there is no need to revert to my old ED tendencies, something that I tend to forget/ignore much too often..

The man from the Memphis paper took my picture after winning the Firecracker 5k on July 3rd.

My story is one that I guess some people want to hear.

I never imagined why anyone would want to read about my problems/twisted, crazy life, but I see now that it's not because I have everything together..

It's because I admit that I don't have everything together. 

My life is messy. I'm not perfect. I am me.

I am broken.

I have gone through hell and back.

But I'm still here.

And my scars have left beauty marks.

Keep fighting. You are worth it.

<3 Haley

Afraid to feel..

I hate being here in my apartment alone.
I went home this weekend, and things were so good.
Then I get back to Starkville, and I'm fine for a day or two, but then the loneliness sinks in again.
I was doing so well, but tonight I once again turned to food as a source of comfort..
Whether it was because I was lonely, depressed, bored, or a combination, I don't really know..
All that I know is that I was feeling terrible, and I thought eating couldn't make it any worse.
Except that it did.
I have been having super restrictive thoughts lately just cuz I look at myself and see this fat cow.
The restrictive thoughts have led me to eat very little/healthy the past few days, which in turn led to my binging tonight, I guess.

I'm just so frustrated because I was doing SO FREAKING WELL. I was happy.
And then I have to screw it up again.

I know that I need to be turning to God in times like this.
Food is not the answer.
Whether I am not eating or eating until I can't eat anymore, neither of these will make up for whatever feelings I am trying to suppress..
I just wish I could find the source of my sadness.
I know that there is a long list of traumatic things I try to avoid, but it just seems so crazy to me that things that I don't even think about on a regular basis could be expressed through my eating.
I know it's that way, though, because whenever events bring up these thoughts I turn to whatever I know best to deal with this reminded pain, that being restriction or binging.

I'm just so tired of it.
I'm sitting here crying as I type, ashamed of my actions and my thoughts. Ashamed of the backtracking and lack of hope.

I'm sorry I'm not in a better place.
I just needed to get this off my chest.
<3

Recovery

I have never wanted to start fresh more than I do at this very moment.
I am bound and determined that I will defeat whatever challenges life throws my way.
I know that I can get through it all, coming out on the other side stronger than ever.
Screw addiction. I am going for recovery.
<3 Haley

Non-diet meltdown

I actually had a meltdown on Wednesday afternoon. I had gone to the store earlier that day and picked up one of those gallons of Green tea. I prefer Arizona Diet Green Tea, but they didn't have any at Kroger that day, so I picked up Lipton Diet Green Tea.
I was studying all day, and doing random things around the house, just drinking out of the tea jug like always (Mrs. Terri always comments about how un-ladylike this is, ha). I looked down towards the end of the afternoon to find that I had drank about a third or more of a gallon of REGULAR, non-diet green tea.
Words cannot describe the panic that went through me.
I looked down at the calorie content.
80 calories per serving (8 oz.)
16 servings in the gallon.
OH. MY. GOD.

I freaked out. I just drank 500+ calories. Empty calories. This is a problem. I don't drink calories.
I called Connor on the verge of tears, and two minutes into the conversation I was bawling..
This was definitely a sign to me that I am not recovered.
Connor was right in that it is nothing to freak out over. I had run 10 miles that morning, plus swimming, plus circuits.. And I had eaten very light that day.
Maybe it was fate that I picked up the wrong gallon of green tea..
However, I did move on, and I did have a normal dinner PLUS post-dinner snack, even though after finding out my mistake I really just wanted to crawl into bed with an empty stomach.
P.s. I have the best boyfriend ever who puts up with so much from me. I am so very grateful for him and his patience, loyalty, and love. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I am so glad he's mine.

Since then, I have been doing pretty well.
I can't remember the last time I binged. :)
I have been trying to listen to my cravings and hunger signals, but it's hard cuz sometimes I feel like my cues to eat still aren't normal. I've been in recovery for a year now.. I don't get it :P
I find myself putting far too much space between meals and snacks, drinking lots of fluids, chewing gum, not noticing any hunger. Most of the time, I am not purposefully being restrictive with my food intake.
However, I feel like sometimes the fear of going back to binging is so great that it subconsciously pushes me towards a more restrictive diet, so I am really having to try and focus on keeping my meals balanced and sufficient.

Random picture of the girls and I getting stuck in mud on a morning run. :) *Almost 2 weeks ago!

Don't worry, I am confident that I can ward off anorexia. I can also conquer this binging.
Yea, the balance isn't the easiest to get right now, but I know that I am in a better place now than I have ever been.
I have the support of so many, and I am so grateful to you all, my family, and friends. I don't know where I would be right now if it wasn't for my therapist, nutritionist, Connor, the blogging community, and so many other unnamed others.. And I don't want to know.
Because I like where I am.
I like who I am.
Hell, I love who I am. *I have come so far to be able to say that, btw.* :)

Caroline, my best friend of 14+ years. <3
My eye is all squinty in this pic. Attractive ;)

My best friend Caroline and I hung out yesterday, and towards the end of our time together we started discussing my eating disorder.. Caroline also had anorexia throughout the beginning of high school. She went to Remuda in Arizona for inpatient rehab. Anyway, I told her how well I'm doing compared to just a couple weeks ago, and she surprised me by starting to cry. She sobbingly said that when she pulled into the Starbucks parking lot, where we met up, she immediately thought I looked so much better. Most importantly, she could tell that my personality was back. I was back to the old Haley.

I started crying, too, telling her I was sorry that I ever got anorexia. I didn't mean to turn into some sort of skinny bitch monster. I should have learned from her that starving yourself is not the way to lose weight and especially live life.
She quickly dismissed this thinking, truthfully stating that none of us plan on getting an eating disorder. It all happens so quickly.
We can't keep blaming ourselves for developing this disease. It happened. It's in the past. Now we must move on.
The good news is, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Caroline is so happy now, and right now, so am I. I can only imagine what life will be like when food is not a source of worry for me.

Until then, I'm going to keep fighting.
I hope you all have a great fourth of July weekend.
I'm going to have the best one ever. :)

<3 Haley