No more veins..

I looked down in class today and realized that I can't see the veins on my arms anymore.. not like I used to, anyway. For some reason it really affected me :/
I know that's stupid, but I just miss feeling thin. I feel so fat. And I hate it.
I want to diet to lose weight, but every time I try I end up binging. So I guess that's not the way to go. It's just so hard to accept myself right now.

Sorry this is so depressed sounding.. I'm really not doing all that bad. I just wish I felt comfortable in this body. I wish I didn't wonder what others were thinking when they notice the weight gain. They probably think I'm so out of control. That's how I feel, anyway.

Okay, next post will be happier, promise.

The truth can be hard to take *and give*.

To catch you all up, I ran at Nationals last Wednesday night.
17th place.
Hardest race of my life.
We went out dreadfully slow (literally 6 minute pace), and then picked it up which just killed me for some reason.
My stomach was cramping almost the entire time *started after mile 1*, and my calves were so tight that last mile that I thought they might tear! Seriously, so uncomfortable, ha!
Anywayyy, it's over now.
Sucks that I went out in the way that I did, but I did try my best. I can only be happy with that.

10k at Nationals!!

While I was at Nationals I read Portia de Rossi's autobiography dealing with her battle with anorexia nervosa. I'm sure many of you have heard of/read Unbearable Lightness. Wow. It was a very difficult read for me. I thought it'd be no problem since I am not a person who is easily triggered. But man did it test me! Especially since I was dealing with the mom situation, track season ending (meaning I would be taking a break from running/exercise), and being isolated/away from everyone for almost a week. *Yes, my track team was there, but only the sprinters, and we don't always flow in the same circles. I just missed my distance girls.*

Portia at her lowest weight. This picture is also in her book. She looks so sick. It's sad.

Anyway, it was hard to read, yes, but I am so glad that I did. The epilogue is by far the best part of the book. I highlighted so much of what she said on my Kindle that my dad bought me for my birthday (love it, btw). She asserted that diets do not work. Restriction does not work. When I say they don't work, I mean that one cannot live her life denying herself certain foods. It's both physically and emotionally depriving and harmful, in the end.
Something that really shocked me was that she went from 82 to 168 pounds in 10 MONTHS. Wow.
She spoke of the high she would get from eating. It was the same she used to get with restriction, except now no foods were off limits. She would then feel terrible about bingeing and go on afterwards eating salad with no dressing and only fruits for snacks, etc.. Yet then she would find that she'd go back to bingeing. See a correlation? Restriction-->binge.
It was as if I could have written these words!
Now she lives her life without restriction, bingeing, or guilt. She no longer exercises, which I was so surprised to hear considering how great she looks and how obsessed she was with it when she was suffering from anorexia. She's now at a happy weight, though, and more importantly she is happy within herself!

Random, but I just got a blender, and I am now obsessed with green smoothies. :)

Back to me, I guess.. Like I said earlier, the past few weeks have been much harder than I would have expected, but I am getting by. I'll be honest. So much so that it hurts.
Some of these days I have been eating so light/healthy throughout the day that I just go home at night to eat my face off. I binge. I can't stop. It all tastes so good, and I never allow myself these foods normally.
The next day I'll forgive myself. "We can start over", I think. By the end of the day I have eaten 800 calories. Not enough, especially when I'm running, I know. :/
And then the next day I'll binge again.
This has happened a couple of times...
I wasn't planning on talking about it in my blog.
This blog started out as a diary of sorts for my daily thoughts/struggles, mostly dealing with recovery from ED. But now I feel that I have so many people that follow me, respect me, and expect things of me. For me to tell you all that I have restricted, binged (repeat) is extremely difficult.


I know it's really stupid, but on those days when I eat so light/little.. I get that high again and think, "Hey, maybe I can do what I did last summer.. ya know, work out a bunch, eat light/healthy, and lose some weight. I'll just stop it before it gets to be too much." But I know that that mindset is already distorted. If I continually fall pray to eating sub 1500 calories it's just going to turn into a game of 'let's see how much we can lose.' And I don't want that. Because more than losing weight, I lose confidence, happiness, the love I feel for others as well as myself, and all that I have accomplished thus far in my recovery.

I just need to work on this balancing act, which might be hard since I can't even walk without tripping as it is ;) ha, jk. *I think I'm funny, btw*
But really, it's hard, cuz like the title of my blog, I am an all or nothing kind of girl woman. Life doesn't work like that, though. We're not supposed to be one thing or the other. Do this and not that. There shouldn't be limits of what we can do, where we can go, who we become.
I don't want to be 82 pounds. I don't want to be 168 pounds.
I don't want my life to be defined by food. Or running. Or school. Or my relationship with my mother.
How stupid. No one thing should be that important.

Ultimately, life is good.

I feel so much better after writing all of this. It seems that I never know where my blog posts are gonna go. I'm so scatterbrained; I'm all over the place. But I'm happy that I shared this. It feels good to know that I have the support of all of you beautiful women. And I have you to hold me accountable, as well. *Plus Renee, my teammate, who sees me everyday. I know she's reading, and she'll make sure I'm nourishing my body <3*

Okay, so my stomach is growling. I know I haven't had enough today. Off to eat something!

Oh, before I go.. I am planning on doing a post soon in which I share my story of how ED entered/took over my life. Gross, right? Anyway, let me know if there's anything in particular you would like to know cuz knowing me, I probably will not cover everything!

Love you all so much.
Thank you for commenting, reading, praying.. It is all very much appreciated.
<3 Haley

P.p.s. Sorryyyy for my absence from the blogging community. Not posting, and not commenting, either! I didn't have internet for a while, and then I was out of town with Nationals and have been so behind on summer school. Tonight is the first night in forever that I don't feel like I have a million things on my plate. And I still have a speech to give tomorrow morning, ha! Things are calming down, though, so I'll be around more soon, promise. :)

Again and again..

My mom relapsed.
For the first time since last July.
When she took that drink last June my world fell apart.
I started taking control of the situation by not eating, by over-exercising, by ostracizing myself from everyone else..
I pray that this time will be different.
I've got to be strong.

But it hurts so bad to hear her crying to me telling me that this is the last time. She'll go to treatment. She'll get better.
She tells me she's at home, yet I hear rap music playing in the background.
I know she's probably drunk and high. And there's nothing I can do about it.
As soon as I think that things are going good, something like this happens. :( Just hurts so bad.
<3

Going to Nationals!

Okay, so I made it.
I'm going to the National meet in Des Moines, Iowa June 9th or so..
But man, was it one crazy race to get there!!

The whole day was spent mentally preparing for the race. I knew I would have to get in the top 12 and stay there, so that's just what I did.
When the gun went off, I jumped in the pack and stayed around 10th place.
The first couple laps were a bit fast, and by the time we got to the mile mark around 5:19 pace, the pace slowed down tremendously.
I guess the girls didn't want to wear themselves out too fast..
Anyway, the race went on going much slower than I expected, and we just kept trucking on at like 5:30 something pace per mile. (Too slow!!)

I moved into third by mile 4 (It's a 6.2 mile race, btw), and I stayed there until we had 1000 or so meters  (less than a mile) to go.
I knew that I wasn't in a good spot, though. I don't have much of a kick, and I knew it would come down to a foot race. I was just too scared to take the lead :/
So the last lap and a half I see a whirlwind of girls pass me.
I'm trying so hard to sprint as fast as them, but my legs just don't have what it takes.
I split my last lap at a 75, and my last mile was sub 5:15. Still, though, it couldn't hold off the others.

I'm bending over at the end trying to count the girls ahead of me. Top 12 go to the final round of Nationals. I count 10 girls. That means I'm #11. Okay, that's okay. I'm gonna go.
My trainer and I look up at the scoreboard and nervously await as my name moves farther and farther down on the list..
Eventually it pops up with my place and time. #13 Haley Greenwell 33:52.87.. (Not exactly sure on the milliseconds, but I do know that I was .17 away from 12th place).

"Noooo!", I cry. "I've worked so hard.. I worked so hard.."
I proceed to go up to the tent to change out of my spikes while having a little pity party..
5-7 minutes later!!! my coach & trainer come over to me and tell me that they think the scoreboard was wrong. They think I got 11th. They must have counted two lapped runners.
Whaaat!
So this is crazy. We spend the next few minutes trying to get everything straightened out, and it turns out that I actually was 11th.

Things I learned from this: Now I know that I can't leave it down to the last few laps. I have to make it hard in the middle. If I have to lead, then so be it. But I'm going to make Nationals an honest race.
Also, the funny thing is that my life wasn't over even though I didn't make it. Yes, I was really disappointed, but I actually thought back to what I had blogged that day about being happy with my best. And hey, that was my best. I set a new personal and school record. I ran with heart. That's all I can do. Even if I hadn't made this final round, I would have found happiness within myself.

Ahh it is so awesome to be able to settle for accept your best and not expect perfection. Seriously.
This post is all frazzled because I wrote it so speedily cuz I gotta go to the track meet to cheer on teammates now, but I just wanted yall to know how I did.

I never would have made it this far if I was as miserable/sick as I was this past summer/early fall with ED. I wouldn't have been strong enough, mentally or physically. To know that I can accomplish all that I have lets me know that I never need to return to anorexia as a means of coping with my life again. I can do anything I set my mind to, all with God's help, and yours. Thank you all for being so encouraging and supportive. I love you so much.

<3 Haley

Going into my (hopefully not) last race with a new sense of self :)

Six hours from now I will be in the middle of possibly my last 10k race of the season. I'm here in Indiana for the first round of Nationals!
I'm ranked 8th out of the 48 girls that are racing tonight. But that doesn't really mean anything. The top 12 will go on to the final round of nationals where we'll meet the top 12 from the East. I sooooo want to be one of those 24 girls racing at the final round of Nationals in Iowa on June 9th!

I was excited before, but I have been doubting myself.
Am I fit enough?
Do I have what it takes? Am I tough enough? I know that these girls are also in phenomenal shape. This is not going to be an easy race. And last race I thought way too much about the pain. Am I going to give in?

My perspective drastically changed overnight. I now feel confident and ready. So, you may be asking what changed my thinking..?

Tuesday I was just hanging around at the hotel here, facebook stalking (shocker), and one of my facebook friends, let's call her B, had a status of a bible verse. Matthew 6:25- "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?"
Now, I don't really know this girl, but I had heard from my best friend and a few other people that she has dealt/is dealing with an eating disorder. I commented saying, "I really like this verse :)"
Next thing I know, I'm getting a facebook message from B asking if I wouldn't mind talking to her about ED cuz she heard from my best friend that I have dealt/am dealing with recovery. Of course I am overjoyed. I love talking to others about ED, especially when I feel that I can help make a difference in their lives somehow.
So we exchanged numbers and tried to get in touch that night, but it didn't work out cuz we were both busy.
The next night (last night) we finally got the opportunity to skype!

Quite frankly, I was surprised to hear her story. Eating disorder since 13. Wow. I can't even imagine.
I used to envision this girl as perfect. B was the one that sang at the school pep rally. She was on the cheer and dance team. She has money. She is also drop dead gorgeous, guys. Seriously. To think that she thinks she is too fat, ugly, stupid, etc.. is totally beyond me; it's crazy!

Anyway, I'm not going to go too in-depth about our conversation. We talked for an hour and a half. The time just flew by. We discussed distorted body image, the loneliness yet sense of accomplishment ED gives you, being scared of "normal, healthy" weight ranges, etc..
B told me that my best friend told her about me in September. She felt the need to talk to me then, but she was afraid I wouldn't want to. B had it in her head that I see her as a b**** like so many others have told her they thought of her before they really got to know her.
I told her that of course I didn't think that. I just assumed that her life was close to perfect, ya know? That she had it easy.. Little did I know that she was dealing with just as much, if not more, than I was during middle school, high school, etc..

Something that really stood out in our conversation was the topic of finding out who we are beyond our eating disorders. This can be a scary thing! She asked, "But what if I'm horrible?" I responded, "B, you aren't!" From the hour and a half I spent talking with her I could see that she is beautiful (inside AND out), genuine, caring, and self-aware. Hiding behind her ED is only masking all of these wonderful qualities.
I told her about my blog, and she has read a few posts. I used all of my readers and the blogs that I read as examples of post-recovery happiness. I told her that everyone that I have met (whether in real life or in the blogging community) that has overcome ED has come to find a love within herself like never before. The recovered woman is SO much happier than she was with ED.

I think the fact that she approached me at this time is all God's doing. Sure, I would've been able to tell B in September that food is fuel. I would've been able to say that she needs to eat more than some blueberries and a couple pieces of shrimp for dinner. But the fact that I am in such a better place now and can actually use my own experience to back up my words makes what I'm saying valid and worth so much more.

I couldn't keep new hair pictures from you any longer ;) I LOVE it!!

Not to brag or anything, but I feel like a completely different person than I was three, five, ten months ago. Yes, I still struggle with body image at times. I have binged *so rare now, though! :). I have restricted, as well (most of the time kinda subconsciously, though).  However, I am farther in my recovery than I have ever been.
I tried to use my own experience to help B, and I felt blessed and honored that I had the opportunity to do so.

As for me, I had a doctor appointment this past Tuesday. I was weighed at 119 pounds. 4 pounds more than my last visit in late February!
At first it was like, ahh! See what bingeing/not restricting has done! You're out of control.
But instead of listening to this stupid devil ED voice, I decided to take pride in this weight gain. Why shouldn't I be happy with weight gain the way I used to be with weight loss? I worked just as hard, if not harder, to gain the weight than I did to lose it!

Another hair shot ;) This is a random pic I sent to Connor to exhibit my super fast drinking skills. I made this drink mix in my Vitamin Zero bottle literally less than 60 seconds before the photo was taken. Ha, I have a problem ;)

And so I am going into this race knowing I have conquered so much already. I can now use my own experiences to help others. Don't get me wrong, I have a long way to go. But I am finally finding myself and learning to accept myself and love myself for who I am, flaws and all, and that has been the best part of my recovery, by far.

Creepy/excited face for the 10k tonight!!

I have the training behind me. I have the determination. Not to mention, I have the best fans ever!! You guys, my family, my friends, teammates, and coaches. If this is my last race, then so be it. But I will run with my heart tonight. And if I do that I doubt that I'm done for the season.

I'm so ready for those long, grueling 25 laps because I know that by the end it will be worth it, just like recovery from ED. I can't wait.

True happiness :)

I love you ALL so very much! Sweet comments are always appreciated. ;)
P.s. Sorry that I have not blogged or commented lately. I was out of town last weekend, and earlier this week didn't have internet cuz it was out at my apartment :/.

Make sure to keep B in your prayers. And maybe leave her a little inspiration in a comment about how great life is post-ED :) I'm sure she'll be reading.

<3 Haley

It's okay to be happy with yourself. :)

Oftentimes I find it hard to feel pride in my accomplishments. I fear that others will look at me as haughty or egotistical. And so I go to the whole other extreme; I set extremely high standards for myself, and if I don't meet this standards I am a failure.
This is definitely not healthy, and it often leads to things like restricting or bingeing.
Like I said in my last post, I usually have two sides of me arguing over whether I am worthy, good enough, fast enough, etc.. Considering that I am pretty good at debating, I find it difficult to stick with one side and listen to it. I often go back and forth.
But I'm honestly so tired of holding myself up to these super high, unrealistic expectations. It's exhausting. When I don't meet them I honestly feel like s***, and it doesn't allow for me to find any sort of contentment or happiness within myself.

This isn't real cuteness, (not on the right anyway), but this is REAL happiness. :)

For example, I got seventh place in the 5k at the SEC Championships. No, I didn't set a new personal record. No, I didn't score as many points for the team as I was hoping. Yes, a freshman beat me.
But hey, I ran a 10k as hard as my legs would allow less than 48 hours before this race. My legs were tired. I gave it all I had, and that's all I can do.
I had a therapist appointment with Dr. Tatem this afternoon. I told her how I cried after the 5k, and she says that she noticed that I almost looked guilty for admitting that. And it's true. I did feel guilty. I'm not supposed to cry. "And just why not?" she asks.
"I was taught from a young age that I just shouldn't cry.. It shows weakness and selfishness. Plus I didn't have the right to cry. There were many people on my team that didn't even get the chance to race in the finals of their event."
She proceeds to tell me that once again I am worried about what others are thinking.. I need to stop worrying about others and try to focus on my own needs. Did I need to cry at that moment? Maybe I was being a bit of a baby, yea, but if I wanted to cry I should allow myself to cry.
I don't know if that came across the way that I wanted it to, but the point is that I need to allow myself to experience emotions, even if I think I'm undeserving of them.

This includes pride.
I have come so far in my recovery from anorexia. I have come so far in discovering who I am and who I want to be, who I am becoming!
Whoever got the idea in our heads that we are unworthy of food, love, friendship, family, etc.. should be shot. Because we are SO worthy of all of these things and more.
I know my last post touched on this, as well, but full recovery doesn't happen until you accept yourself. I am finally learning to be happy with myself, all of myself.
I am a perfectionist.
I am stubborn.
I am diligent.
These things can be seen as both positive and negative attributes. But for now I am only going to focus on the positive.

I love the Haley that I am now and am becoming so much more than what I used to be with ED.
I am outgoing. I am loquacious (love that word :)). I am weird.
But I'm no longer someone who writes calorie counts for the day on my tip money.. I have better things to do.

My coach had a successful surgery today. *Thank you to all who prayed for him*. Things like this force you to realize how trivial little worries like food and what place/time you ran at the last meet are in the grand scheme of things.

I feel like I'm a new person. And I know it sounds silly, but that's why this haircut tomorrow means so much to me. *I posted a picture on my previous post for all that haven't seen it yet.* I just want to start over. I want to savor life and everything is has to offer.

For now I'm going out to dinner at a Greek place with my friends/teammates Renee & Morgan.
Pita chips & hummus, watch out. You may not be the healthiest thing, but I don't care one bit. I'm hungry, and you're one of my fave food combos. :)

<3 Haley

Harry Potter > ED thoughts :)

I'm glad that you all liked my last post comparing recovery to a long distance race. Both are tough. Both make you want to die, :P. But in the end it's so worth it :)

I finished SEC's this past weekend, and now I only have nationals to look forward to! First round of the 10k is next Thursday. I'm currently #9 in the East region, and the top 12 out of the 48 that race in the East will go to finals. Coach thinks I have a good shot at making it. I mean, obviously I'm in the top 12 so chances are not too bad, but still.. It's gonna be a super tight race. The #12 time is only around 6 seconds behind me. I've just gotta get out there and race with guts. I can't wait to get on that track and run as hard as I can for 6.2 miles. I've put in the training. I work so hard, and today it just hit me how much I want this.

10k!

I'm sorry to say that yes I have binged recently. Last night I was upset with myself thinking over my 5k, *Ok, I know I shouldn't be. I finished 7th in the conference, but I just expected better of myself*, I felt lonely (practically no one is in Starkville), and I don't know.. I guess food was my way of finding comfort. Again, I hadn't eaten enough throughout the day. Hello, Haley! You need to fuel your body so that it doesn't craaave food at 10 P.M.! That's no excuse, though, really.. Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling horrible. Shocker.

I went on my run, though, and as I listened to my inspirational playlist I realized that I cannot move on without forgiveness. So I decided that by the end of the run I was going to let it go. Today is a new day.

It's just really hard because I look in the mirror the day after a binge, like today, and I see such a fat, disgusting girl. I do not see the athletic, beautiful girl I see (or try to see) every other day. 

And I know that these binges are seriously not helping my running. That's a major concern of mine. I beat myself up over the fact that I'm gonna get fat and slow. I didn't PR this past weekend. Is it because I might weigh 2 pounds more than I did the last time I ran a 10k? I say "might" because I don't actually know my weight at the moment. Since I don't meet with Kelly anymore, I don't get weighed.. I'm finding that it's actually a good thing for me to not know the number. I know that I would only obsess over it and try to get it as low as possible, as quickly as possible. Anyway, I ask myself questions like this all the time. 

Me & Renee <3 

So you see there's two sides to this. Part of me wants to restrict and lose the weight that I have gained.

Part of me is fine with not being exactly 115 pounds, but at the same time I wonder if now I weigh too much..? 

My legs are big. My stomach is big. My face is fat.

Your legs are normal looking. No, you don't have a six pack, but you also don't look like a skeleton anymore. Your face isn't gaunt like it used to be. These are all good things.

The good news is that at the moment I am listening to the green words ^. I know that restricting won't do any good, neither will bingeing. I'm still working on that balance.

One of my delish sandwiches :) It may look gross, but it's sooo good. I love veggies!

Days that I don't worry about food I don't binge. Yesterday I was freaking out about what I would eat for lunch, what my snack would be, whether I should eat that extra apple or just wait until dinner. How stupid. I ended up eating tons of Annie's cookies (my fave, btw), 2 yogurts, granola, pretzels, cereal, peanut butter, cashew butter, almond butter, coconut butter, etc.. I just laughed out loud at all of my butters. :) Wow, I am a dork. But I love them. Seriously, my fave food is nut butter. *Don't worry, sweet potatoes, you're a close second. :)

Asian chicken crepe with ginger dressing from a Crepe bar in Athens, GA

Would you believe that this past weekend at SEC's I ate nut butter every day!? I had squeeze packets that I won in a giveaway by Logan, and I used them on my english muffins and on bananas! It was a big deal for me cuz bananas have always been a fear food. And guess what? Did I worry over food this past weekend? No. I didn't restrict. I didn't binge. I was normal. It was wonderful.

Giveaway goodies from Logan. Justin's=delish. And I usually don't like licorice, but this strawberry kind is really good!

Because of strides like this I know that I am making progress in my recovery. The fact that I am allowing myself to be forgiven is also another sign that I am gonna beat this thing! Cuz I mean I won't binge or restrict if I am happy with myself. That's not how it works.

So at the end of the day, I am happy. I am currently watching the Harry Potter marathon my teammates Renee (check out her blog, btw) and Morgan have put on. And I am happy, not thinking about food or weight or how my running is going to suck now that I weigh >120. I am thinking about how I love Ron, and I am not looking forward to this next movie cuz the 6th one really sucks. :) I'm also thinking about all of the progress I've made. I can't wait to keep going. I can't wait til nationals. I can't wait for my life without ED. I can't wait til Harry Potter 7, part 2. I can't wait to kiss Conrad again. I can't wait to cut my hair. I can't wait to see my family again (never thought I'd say that). 

This is what I want. I'm getting it cut Friday or Saturday!! You like?

Life is too good to have such a trivial thing like food keep you in a state of misery and self-loathing.

I for one am tired of it.

P.s. If you could keep my coach (Schmidt) in your prayers I would really appreciate it. He went into cardiac arrest twice at the meet this weekend, and he's having triple bypass open heart surgery on Thursday. I know he can make it. He is one tough, stubborn, wonderful man.

Me and Coach after my 5k at Penn. If it's any excuse for my nastiness, I just PR'd!? :) ha

Okay, so blogger is being dumb. The only reason I am able to post this is cuz I am using Morgan's laptop. For some reason blogger is rejecting my computer. Fun stuff. :( But I will go back and post some pictures as soon as it is working. I have some good eats to show you! Plus a cute pic of me and Conrad & a pic of me and Coach. Most importantly, I need your opinion on the haircut I want!! 

**Just updated with pictures!!** Sorry for the delay!

I hope you all are having a wonderful week.

So much love,

<3 Haley :)