Apologize for ED?

I just received a pretty passive aggressive letter from my ex's mother who described me as "3 people".

(Direct quote:)

1) The happy, fun loving, free spirited Haley

2) ED Haley with all the baggage that attaches to it

3) THIS struggling Haley not knowing which direction she's going

I was discussing this with Mollie, and I began to say, "Listen, I'm sorry that I got anorexia," because that was the part in the letter when ex's mom began to explain that I changed and my relationship with her changed..

Mollie brought up a good point. There is no apologizing for developing ED. I'm pretty sure no one WANTS to develop an eating disorder, at least no one that I know wished for that. 

But did it change me? Yes.. It did.

I've changed.. I've gotten more serious in certain ways. I've learned weaknesses and strengths in myself, and I have learned to love myself even when it was the hardest thing in the world to do so.

I don't agree with her. I might be struggling, and I may not know EXACTLY where I am headed in life.. but I feel like I have a good idea.. 

And I know that I can accomplish whatever it is I put my heart, soul, mind, and body into.

I may not be in a relationship right now, and I may not be on top of my game in running. And maybe to others that makes me seem lost.

But I'm not.

I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, and I'm going to show everyone what I am made of.

I'm not the struggling Haley that has no direction. I'm still happy, goofy, loving Haley, the one who beat and is still beating ED, and the one who knows what it's like to win after coming from behind, cuz that's what I've done before and it is what I am about to do.

<3 Haley

P.S. First track workout today in FOREVER. Well, really, I had one in January. But then I got hurt again. And this was my first workout since October, discounting the one. It was hard, and my times were by no means fast. But I worked hard, and I am excited about the progress I am making. I'll get there. :)

<333

I'm Meredith.

I'm sitting here watching Grey's Anatomy, and it's Season Two.. those horrible episodes after Addison comes back, and Derek leaves Meredith because he's technically married and he tries to make his marriage work.

Okay, so I know that if you don't watch Grey's then that was all just mumbo-jumbo. But these episodes are horrible because Meredith is still in love with Derek, and he just leaves.. to go be with Addison, his wife (who cheated, btw). 

Meredith and Derek try being 'friends'. It's awkward even for me as the viewer. I hate it. Meredith just has to sit there, immobilized, while Derek goes on with his life.. It's like he didn't even let her know he was moving on until it was too late. And there is no way for Meredith to catch up in terms of getting over him because he has the head start..

That's about how I feel.. I'm Meredith.

I'm okay with being without him right now. I'm even okay with being alone for God knows how long.

But for some reason I can't get over that he is so okay while I'm not, at least when I'm not as okay as he is.

It's not fair, and I'm actually angry about it. I know I sound childish and selfish and pathetic, but it's not fair. I should have known to let go. I should have let go when he did.

Heartbreak

My last post sounded so positive.. and until last night, I was pleasantly surprised that my break up with my serious boyfriend of 2 and a half years did not sadden or upset me near as much as I expected.

Then, this morning on my 4 mile run, I swear I saw him running ahead of me on campus. He turned and made a cut through the intramural soccer/lacrosse fields. I knew I wouldn't be able to catch him, and that really upset me. It was somewhat metaphorical.
We're not on the same page anymore.. We used to run together, and we no longer do.

I haven't cried this whole week.. I've been almost stoic about everything, probably because I saw this coming, and I thought it best to be strong and level-headed.

But, being completely frank, I realize that even after all is said and done I am still so very much in love with him. All of a sudden my heart feels ripped open and exposed for the world to see.

I miss the texts saying good morning and sweet dreams. I miss our lunches in the Union. I miss making fun of him for studying so much while I slacked. I miss his smile and laugh and how he played with our puppy. I miss crying on his shoulder at times like this.. I miss him.

The Taylor Swift song, "Last Kiss", came on my ipod while I was on my way to an NCAA drug test this morning. They speak true to my feelings now..

"You can hope for a change in weather and time, but I never planned on you changing your mind..
So I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes. All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss."

<3

P.S. I changed the name of my blog from "All Or Nothing" to "Running towards Recovery & Happiness". I don't want and don't really have the All Or Nothing attitude these days. And I think the new one fits much better.. The goal is to accomplish both recovery and happiness every day.

Single and doing alright

Sooo, I've been single for 7 days now..

If you read my last post, then you know that I was already having some relationship issues..

I posted last right after Connor and I decided to 'take a break'..

He had walked right past me in the gym without any acknowledgement, and it hurt so bad.. 

But we made up a couple days later.. He tried to convince me he wasn't good for me, but I convinced him we could make it work..

This time I let him go.

Sunday night I realized that I need to be with someone who wants to be with me, all of me. I want someone who loves me for all that I am, not in spite of who I am..

I do love Connor, and I will always have a place for him in my heart.. But maybe this will be a good thing. Maybe now I will learn even more about myself and grow individually as a person.

Then again, I may always wonder if I will find someone as good to me as my first love..

He was my everything, and most importantly he was my best friend.

It is going to be hard and different now that I'm back to school and back to the reality of being in Starkville without my boyfriend of 2 and half years. It will take some adjustment.

However, I know now that I can't make someone love me    X    amount.. And I can't be the hand that holds on so tightly while the hand holding mine is letting go.. 

Now is the time when I find out what I'm really made of.. I don't want to be that girl whose world falls apart because of a break up. I don't want to be the girl who develops ED because her mom relapsed..

I am in control now, and I know I have great things ahead of me.

<3 Haley

I can't... breathe

True love. I thought I had it.

But is it really, if only one person is truly in love?

I wish my knees didn't hurt so bad that I could run.

I wish I could run away from ever having fallen so deep in love with someone who obviously doesn't feel the same way..

He told me he would never hurt me..
This is pain far worse than I ever could have imagined..

My heart is broken, and my world is crashing down around me.

Dixie Chicks always bring up tears and memories

I was just listening to Dixie Chicks.. They were my favorite band as a kid. I went through a country phase, and they are the only ones that are still around.
As anyone who has listened to them knows, Dixie Chicks have their fair share of sad songs..

Anyway, I find that I'm shedding tears with every other song on shuffle..
Obviously there are some suppressed emotions here.

I miss my mom.
I wish I had a home, and a family.
I hate that I wasted the cross country season, but more importantly I hate that I wasted the past 6 months of my life fixated on how screwed up I am instead of trying to turn things around.

Why is it that we are so dependent on certain things?
For me, if eating, running, and my relationship with Connor aren't going well then nothing is..
Oh, and ALL THREE of those have to be going well for me to be happy, for me to ALLOW myself happiness..
It's hard for me to accept anything other than perfection, especially with these things..
I don't understand why I can't just accept a 7:30/min pace for an easy run, why I can't see a day of indulging in a cookie as anything less than a failure, or why I feel like I have to be doing something wrong if Connor doesn't have a smile on his face at all times.

For some reason, everything else can be messed up.. I think I expect them to be, really..

I think that a the major problem in my life has to do with my relationship with God.


I want Him when I want Him.
I accept his love and obey his commands when I feel like it.


Of course there are certain things I still sway on..
Are homosexuals going to hell?
What about those that never had the chance to know Jesus? Do they burn?


I would like to think that the answer is no for both of the above questions, but really, I don't know.
No one does.


I often turn to him when I am weak, and I turn to him sometimes when I am strong, but He has never been a constant presence in my life.


It's time that I stop blaming others, other things, and myself for the problems in my life. It's time that I accept these shortcomings as a blessing instead, allowing for me to grow with each and every obstacle I overcome.
I know that every one I have tackled so far has only led to good things in terms of my becoming the person I plan to be.


God works in mysterious ways.
And He loves each and every one of us so much.
Sometimes I just wanna scream (and sometimes I do) that this cannot be true. If so, he wouldn't leave me out to dry like this.
But then I have moments like this, moments when I feel Him holding me, telling me that it is all going to be okay, and I should have faith that tomorrow may bring some important changes in my life if I choose for it to.


I'm sorry if this post was too religious for some of you, but I feel that the Lord has called on me to post about Him and all that He has done for me and all of you.
We are still alive to breathe this beautiful air, to walk with two mobile legs, to see this blog post with our very own eyes. 
It's crazy how small and insignificant we are in this world, yet He loves us all. Just the way we are.
It gives me hope when I wonder what I am doing here if I can't even run close to the times I was last year at this time, when Connor and I have those stupid little fights, when I choose to binge after a long day of refusing any food over X calories..

Anyway, to update on my life..
I am back to running.. Well kinda. I seriously got the worst chaffing in the world last week, and I kept running on it, so now my skin is RAW. I decided to bike and elliptical instead because those do not cause my legs to rub together, and it has gotten much better.. I am gonna try to run tomorrow morning, and I cannot wait.
I seriously am so far away from the fitness level I want or need to be at, but I know I will get there if I work as hard as I can. I am a very hard worker, and when I decide I want something, I go after it.
And I want to be good again. I am starting to love running again.
But in order for me to continue this love affair with my sport, I need to tone down on the expectations and criticism I give myself. I love running just because it is running. The reason this season sucked is because I was mentally exhausted from beating myself up so much. I'm tired of that.

Connor and I are doing really well.. We had a kinda big fight the other day, but that is to be expected.. They happen sometimes. Especially when I am at his house practically 3/4 of the break. His mom and I butt heads a lot, so that puts a strain on our relationship when we are around each other so much, especially now that she does not have a job. The good news is that Conrad and I worked it out, and we are happy as ever. I can't wait to get back to Starkville, though, where I will finally feel comfortable in my home.

Eating- wow.. all over the charts..
Some days are great. I eat well-balanced meals.. no restricting, just trying to give my body what it wants and NEEDS.
Other days I start off bad and end worse.. It's like just because I ate a dove chocolate at breakfast, that means I must finish the night gorging on Nutella or cookies or whatever.. so dumb.
Some days I THINK I'm doing well, but I get to the end of the night and realize that I am at 1000 calories.. Connor then gets angry. I get defensive. I say it's okay cuz I need to lose weight, anyway!
But yea.. I know, not cool.
Connor has been asking me how my day (of eating) has been every night at 8:30 for the past week now.
At first it made it even worse.. I don't know how that's possible, but I binged right from the start.
Now I have gotten much better.
I'm trying to figure out what it is about these foods, these times, these emotions that cause me to want to gorge myself on unhealthy foods..
I am definitely making progress, and I am honestly very proud of myself.

One thing I am definitely not proud of is my body and my fitness right now, but like I said, I am working on those things, and I am trying to accept where I am right NOW.

Family- I miss my mom.. I haven't spoken with her since before my grandmother's accident. She used to call so often. Now I get a call maybe once a week. It saddens me. It shouldn't really, considering that I ignore every single call.. It's actually selfish of me to wish her to continue calling, yet I do.
I know she loves me so much, and I wish I could just call and tell her that I love her, too, in case she has her doubts..
But I know I can't without getting caught up in all of her drama. And who knows if she is sober today.. who knows if she'll believe me, that depending on whether or not she is doped up.. It's a lose-lose.

I am also worried for my sister.. She seems to be drinking a lot, and with my family's history that is not something to play around with.. She is nothing like me. This is both a good and a bad thing. I wish she had more drive when it comes to planning her future. She should be in college or at least planning a career. Instead she is working at a semi fast food place while partying every other night. I just want more for her because she deserves more and she CAN do more.

My brother needs love and guidance, and I'm not there to give it to him. I wish I was, but I'm not. And when I do talk to him I feel like he doesn't listen to anything I am saying. He doesn't want to. Maybe I'm too late. Maybe I'm like the preacher advocating abstinence when I have slept with a nun.. I don't know.

My dad's good. He loves me so much. And I love him, too. I wish I was around more for him, but he doesn't say much to me when I'm there.. We have a history, and when things happen to make him scream and get angry, it reminds me of how it used to be with us, which makes me want to flee.. But I know that he has changed, and so have I. He's a good man. Not many men can say that they raised three kids on their own, with seriously no help. Plus, I do. I just love him, not just because I have to.

Okay, anyway.. I have rambled on and on.
Time for bed. I leave for Starkville in the morning.
Too many thoughts going on in here.
I pray each and every one of you start out the new year great.

My dad has always told me, "Nobody can MAKE you anything.. happy, sad, mad, etc.. Other people do things, and you have the ability to CHOOSE how to react." It's something to think about..
If this is case, remember that we choose happiness. So do it, choose it, be it.
Love,
Haley

Mother's Day, every day, without a mom

So tonight my roommates and I were enjoying our study-break time together during this stressful week of final exams, and the topic of mothers came up when my roommate Cat mentioned her mother's constant facebook updates about her daughter.. Two other roommates had similar stories about their moms displaying their pride in their daughters via the world wide web, as well..
Lots of mother talk ensued, followed by family talk...

It felt just like the Mother's Days we used to have in Elementary school.. the ones where we would make some cutesy craft or picture for our moms and show them when they all came in to take a group picture with us..
There were several times like that.. Teachers would send home a permission sheet, and they would tell us to ask our moms to sign it; moms would come in to read to the class; moms volunteered to work in the school clinic.. My dad worked full time as well as being the single parent of three, and he couldn't do all of that school volunteer stuff. I probably wouldn't have wanted him to, anyway. I love my dad very much, but it was the principle of having a mom there that I missed. And that's what it felt like tonight.. I wished I had the memories like they do, good ones, to speak of.

I have always had a mother, but never a mom..
I have had a few brief moments, but never the real thing.. Snapshots of my brother, sister, and I visiting several different rehab centers; birthday cards on most that she missed, always telling me she was getting better and would be home soon; the few on and off months she lived with us, catching her drunk upstairs with my younger brother in the room trying to make her stop; I even had almost 2 years of sobriety with her.. 2 years that I will never forget.. But all of these moments were ruined with one sip.

To this day, I still am unsure if it is the disease or the choosing of alcohol and drugs over us that has caused her absence in my life..

I miss having a mom.. I know I have moms in my life, specifically Connor's, who take such great care of me and love me dearly, but it is not the same..

Sadly, I don't even know where my own mother is or what she is doing.. Is she still in jail? Is she out? Why am I getting phone calls from both inside and outside prison, then? I don't answer, so I have no way of knowing..
I can't answer. It hurts to talk to her. (But doesn't it hurt just as much to ignore?)

She put my grandmother in the hospital this time. Mama Sissy had to have surgery, and she'll probably stay in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. My mother strangled and hurt my aunt, her sister. And of course she said and did the same awful things that she does every. single. time. she is under the influence of alcohol and cocaine.
I can't just let that go.

My mother always comes at me with, "Haley, you know what it's like to have a problem.. to have an addiction, you have one too.. you can't judge me."
And that tears me up so bad.. she knows that it does.
It makes me feel like I'm just like her when I want so badly not to be.

I don't know what to do anymore.
I want to be there for her. I want her to know how loved she is, because I truly do love her with every fiber of my being, otherwise I would have given up on her long, long ago.
But the hurt is so heavy now.. heavier than ever before.
Talk of mothers hasn't cut so deeply since I was 7 years old and my mother had just recently left us..

And now, 14 years later, I have reached the point at which I am finally letting her go.

I love you Mom. I haven't given up; I just can't have my heart ripped to pieces to be half-stitched back together one more time..
<3 Haley