Late night hunger=scary

To catch you all up:

1. On Wednesday Kelly (nutritionist) weighed me at 113.6 (Goal weight = >115)
2. I switched majors from Secondary Education English to Nutrition.
3. We hosted a track meet this weekend in Starkville, and I won the 3k.
4. I'm hungry right now, and I'm afraid of eating because eating at night sometimes = bingeing.

1. Disappointing, I know. :/ Can I just say that weight sucks? I hate it. Kelly was pretty upset with me. She doesn't think I'm trying hard enough. The thing is, I really feel that I am! She said that she's going to tell Coach and they're going to lower my mileage if my weight doesn't go up this week. I hate this. The last thing I want is for my ED to affect my passion for running. Also, I do well with high mileage. Blahhh.

2. Yes, I switched majors. When I told my friend Hayley about the switch, she mentioned that she's interested in Nutrition as well, but she's worried that she would use it as an excuse to get ill. Initially I did worry that part of the motivation for me to switch to a Nutrition major was my ED. There's no denying that my anorexia definitely spurred my fascination/obsession with food/nutrition. But I feel that this will be more beneficial than harmful for me in terms of recovery. No textbook is going to tell me to starve myself and then binge. Plus I have SUCH a passion for helping people with healthy eating choices. I just wish that sometimes it would be easier for me to take my own advice..

The beginning of the 3k. Coach told me to just stay at a relaxed pace and run with the pack.

3. I had a race yesterday at our home meet and won. My time wasn't great (9:56 for 3k), but I am okay with it considering it was windy, I was by myself for most of it, and I did what coach told me to do: I raced. It was awesome to come down the home stretch to hear all of the cheers from my friends and fans. My dad and Connor's parents were there. It was beyond wonderful to have their support.
It was also a good day because I had 0 problems with eating! Before my race & after a pretty big lunch I felt like my stomach was still kinda empty, so I had a Powerbar. This is a first for me. I barely allow myself to eat those after running, let alone before I even burn any calories. The thing is, I just didn't care. I knew I needed to fuel my body for my race.
And last night Connor's parents, Connor, and I went out to dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant after the race (my dad had to go back home to go to work), and I literally ate all of my pasta, half of Conrad's, a little bit of his mom's, and about 2 loaves of bread + olive oil for dipping! I was hungry, and I didn't feel the least bit guilty because I knew my body needed it, and I deserved it!

I look gorgeous here, huh? ;)

4. So why is today so hard? I woke up, and it was like BAM. Haley, you forgot you were recovering from ED? HA! No, it wouldn't shut up. I ate, though. I've been eating all day. Of course I haven't allowed myself anything high cal, though. Also, I didn't run today. It's hard for me to eat on days that I don't run. I felt like I needed the day off, though. First of all, I wasn't in the mood to run earlier. Also, my legs are really tired from the past couple weeks of high mileage and hard workouts.
Anyway, I guess that I'm afraid to eat now because late night eating sometimes means bingeing for me :/ I hadn't binged in 10 days, but then I did it on Thursday night. :(

I have been meaning to blog for a while. I have much more to get off my chest, but I just really needed to blog right now cuz I felt like if I didn't I was just gonna go grab the peanut butter jar and a spoon and some cookies and who knows what else. I need to work on identifying what exactly triggers the urge to binge. That's what Dr. Tatum (therapist) has assigned for me this week. Besides writing down my food intake for Kelly, I am to write down the feelings I have that day in association with my eating. Interesting, huh?

This is a picture of Chloe and I in the hotel bathtub in LA last weekend. Homemade ice baths FTW! :)

Anyway, this has been a good week, overall.
Conrad continues to be the best boyfriend I could ask for. His support is phenomenal and everlasting, not just with eating or running. He's there for me no matter what it is. He probably loves me almost as much as I love him, which is saying a lot. ;) Sometimes I take a step back and acknowledge just how lucky I am to have him. This is one of those moments.
My roommate Sarah and I have gotten really close. We talk for almost an hour just about every night, now. She enjoys snacking on my sweet potato chips with me, too :)
I switched majors which I am VERY excited about! I cannot wait until next year! :)
I know where I am living next year- with 4 other girls in a house right off campus. I'll go into more detail later.
I WON my race. I should be happy with that. Goal: don't be so hard on yourself, Haley. :P

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to comment on your blogs this week :/
I've been super busy with track and switching majors and other nonsense.
All of your comments are so encouraging to me. I love you all, and I hope your week starts off great!
<3 Haley

A pic from earlier this week of me loving on some Chobani :)

P.s. I'm about to go grab something to eat. No bingeing, though! I control what I eat. Food doesn't control me. I hate that I let it sometimes. At the end of my life it's not going to matter how much or little I ate. It's not going to matter if my weight was 113 or 118. I just want to be happy and healthy. I'm on the way there.

Life's What You Make It

*Note: I wrote this last night on the bus at 10 P.M. :)*

Hello lovely readers of mine,

So all of your comments on my last post were much appreciated and well-received. So thank you :)

This week we’re on Spring Break so I hadn’t actually touched base with her on what time we were meeting.. That morning she texted me and told me to come in before my morning workout, meaning I had eaten my breakfast of oatmeal, yogurt, and a gallon (not literally) of water before I went in to see her. *I usually go in with only a little bit of water on my stomach and 0 food.. so the number might not be completely accurate*.

Well, what was my weight? (Drumroll please)... 116!

Was I happy to see this? Umm.. kinda. Not gonna lie, it scared me a little, too. My initial reaction was, “See? All this bingeing is making you fat.” Then I realized, Hey, 115 has been your goal since August. You’re FINALLY there. This should be a moment of celebration, not self-defeat. Yea, it kinda sucks the way I got there, but at least I’m finallyyy at a healthy BMI.

Anyway, at the end of the appointment I asked Kelly if we could go over a new meal plan. My latest one doesn’t include foods which I have just recently allowed in my diet. One of the main reasons I wanted to do this was so that I could incorporate the foods I binge on (peanut butter, cookies, yogurt, froyo) into my normal day. That way I won’t end up only eating these foods at night, unable to stop myself because I know it’s the only time I’ll allow myself to enjoy them.

I kinda felt pathetic asking her for this, but it’s really hard for me to allow certain foods and calories into my diet if they’re NOT on my meal plan.. I’m working on it, but it’d be great to hear some of her suggestions on how best to add them without overdoing it. For some reason I think that if I eat peanut butter in the middle of the day I’m going to gain 20 pounds. *Exaggeration, yes. But the thought is still there.* I hate that mornings are SO hard! Actually my thinking/eating is very ED-driven until practice.. THEN I feel like it’s okay to be a normal person.. Psycho, right? I guess it’s cuz I think that I don’t deserve food until I exercise.. It’s not a conscious thought, really. It’s just something I’ve noticed recently.

So anyway, you all would be SO proud of me. ;)

I made PEANUT BUTTER HUMMUS. That’s right. It’s delicious and good for you. The whole thing is <600 calories (not including chocolate chips), 28 grams of protein, and a whopping 20 grams of fiber. Wow!

Oh, did I mention it’s delicious?

Recipe:

1 can of chickpeas

At least 2 T peanut butter

1/3 cup of almond milk *add more/less to desired consistency*

a little maple syrup (I used my calorie-free kind. :P)

Vanilla extract

cinnamon

Stevia, to taste

YUMYUMYUM! Sorry this recipe isn’t really a recipe. I just added stuff until it tasted delicious and sweet. I definitely have a sweet tooth, and I wanted a hummus to satisfy it! This one did the trick. :)

I’ve been putting it on celery, pretzels, bagels, and eaten with a spoon (did I say that?) with a yogurt. No bingeing with it, though. Yay!

I have not binged this week. Tomorrow will be one week. This is SUCH great news. A couple of nights I have definitely overeaten on my after-dinner snack, but I stopped before I was uncomfortably full. I didn’t feel completely out of control like I do with bingeing, either. So I’m not counting these.

However, this time next week I want to be able to say that I haven’t binged OR overeaten OR restricted. Wow, wouldn’t that be a perfect world? ;)

Appetizer at dinner Friday night: Seafood Stuffed Mushrooms. Yes, they were breaded and had some funky sauce on them. Yes, I ate and very much enjoyed them. :)

Reminding me of this fact that we do NOT live in a perfect world would be the results of my meet this weekend.. We traveled to Lafayette, Lousiana bright and early Friday morning and arrived around lunchtime. Subway. 6 inch veggie on wheat. Sides? No thanks. Later I had a couple pretzels + pb hummus, but my ED was very loud yesterday. After we warmed up at the track I allowed myself the Powerbar I had packed and later an apple before dinner. Had I known that I wouldn’t actually be eating until 8:15 that night I would have eaten more.. We got there at 6:30. It took foreeeever and a day for us to get food. I guess that is to be expected when one restaurant is trying to feed a track team of 60, even if we did have a limited group menu of 3 dishes to choose from with the orders taken in advance. So I definitely overate this night. *Complimentary dinner rolls while starving=not so good :P* Pattern? I restricted, I overate. Easy. Then I went back to the hotel and my roommate left to visit with her mom. I was so very tempted to binge at this point. I even got out the pb hummus and pretzels when I wasn’t the least bit hungry. I had a couple of bites and realized, what are you doing? This isn’t going to help fix your ED. So I stopped. Good news? I think yes. I’m on my way to a normal relationship with food :)

We were definitely in Cajun country. I don't know if you can see it all that well, but that is a picture of a huge stuffed alligator at the restaurant. Ha!

Oh, so back to the meet! My race was this afternoon. The 1500 meter race. Eew, definitely NOT my favorite. I’d rather run two 5000 meter races in one day than do a single 1500. Gross. It’s way too fast and just blehh.. Did I mention I don’t like this race?

Anyway, I tried to go into it with an attitude better than that ^. I was ranked second and kept that place the whole race until the last 100 meters when my freshman teammate and a girl from another school outkicked me at the end.

.01 seconds. That was the difference between third and fourth place in this race, fourth being me.

I was really upset with myself after.. I know this sounds really bad, but I’m used to winning. I don’t like getting beaten. I have this insane fear of not being perfect. And today I wasn’t. 

So now I’m trying to focus on the positives of this race rather than the negatives. I ran 4 minutes, 41 seconds. That’s a new personal record. No, it’s not the time or place that I wanted, but at least I learned something from this race! I’ve gotta push harder those third and fourth laps. I kinda zoned out and lost focus for a little bit.

After the race my coach my teammate Adriana and I do a workout since that was our only event for the day, and it obviously wasn’t very long. We did 3 sets of 60, 45, 30, and 15 seconds at 1500 meter pace with equal rest between reps (60 seconds jogging rest for 60 seconds of 1500m pace). We had 5 minutes of jogging between sets. It wasn’t too bad, and it was good to get another hard workout in. I worked off some leftover frustration from my race.

They just updated the track roster photos. This is mine! (Taken in September)

Anyway, I’m so excited to go home. I’m on the bus on the way home now writing this on Pages since the bus internet isn’t working. We didn’t leave the track until 8:30. We’ll arrive in Starkville at 2:30 A.M. at the earliest. So I am not so sure about my church appearance tomorrow morning, but hopefully I can catch a little sleep on the bus.

The main reason I’m excited to be home (other than getting to sleep in my own bed and not having to wear MSU stuff everywhere at every second) would definitely be the fact that I get to see my wonderful boyfriend Conrad. He’s been home on Spring Break this week, so I’ve gone almost a week without him. I know, wahwahh. One week is nothing to complain about. :P But still, I miss him.. He’s my best friend, and it’s weird not having him with me.

I like my hair like this.. I took this picture trying to convince myself that I am NOT getting fat.

My teammate Adriana mentioned during the workout today that I am "getting [my] booty back"! Of course she meant this in a good way, but it definitely sent ED thoughts whirling. I've noticed my breasts, face, stomach, hips, inner thighs, and butt are all getting bigger.. Because of my disordered body image, it's hard for me to tell whether I'm looking healthy now or just fat. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not fat. But I'm worried that I'm on a fast track to that point. What if I can't stop gaining weight? Just a random thought.. 

Well I hope to catch up on all of my blog-reading soon!

I started the Kite Runner late last night, though, and I’m already super into it. Hopefully I’ll be doing more of that than creepin on blogger posts ;)

I want to wish everyone a lovely and relaxing Sunday so that we can go into this week with good attitudes about ourselves, others, and life in general.

As cheesy as it is, Hannah Montana was right when she sang, “Life’s what you make it.”

Love you all :)
<3 Haley

It's been forever

Wow, let me start by saying that I apologize for my extreme lack of posting. :/
I feel like I have to have something really interesting/good/bad to say in order to post something.
Often throughout the past couple weeks I've planned on blogging and discussing my progress and how well I have been doing only to find myself bingeing that night before I get the chance to write. Wow, fail.

Other times I don't want to write because I know that I'm not giving my body what it wants. I'm not eating my bars (Powerbars, Cliff Bars, Gatorade protein bars) after practice. I'm not adding cheese to my sandwiches. I'm choosing low calorie breads. I'm not eating chips. I convince myself that an apple and a sandwich is a sufficient lunch.

I guess I shouldn't have these high expectations for my blogging. This is supposed to be a tool for my recovery. No one expects to hear that I am doing 100% amazing or 100% horrible. For some reason I assume this is what is expected of me when I blog. :P
I know that you guys are great, and you're not going to judge or ridicule me whether I'm doing really well, not so good, or somewhere in between.

Speaking of you guys, thank you so much for all of your comments on my last post. And all of my posts. I get my comments in the form of email to my phone, and it makes my day when I hear that "ding" and see that some beautiful woman has found it in her heart to let me know that she is thinking and praying for me.
So really, thank you. All of your suggestions have helped. I'm being more experimental with my cooking! It's fun. But some things are still scary.. Butter, olive oil, cheese, prepared sauces..
But hey, at least I'm trying.

My pizza dinner :)
It's a flatout wrap toasted with a Laughing Cow cheese wedge, blueberry salsa one one half and the other half with this spinach sauce I bought at Whole Foods.
Topped with sauteed spinach, mushrooms, garlic, onions, bell peppers, tomatoes, shrimp, and FETA *fear food*! Yum. Writing about it makes me want to make another!
Of course I finished the meal with a baked sweet potato and a serving of Greek yogurt.

One thing that I'm obsessed with now: making oatmeal!!

Lately it's been something like 1/3 cup of oat bran, 1/4 cup oats, 1 cup water, 1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk, 1 tbsp cocoa powder, some stevia, cinnamon, nutmeg, pumpkin pie spice, and a little Walden Farms 0 cal maple syrup.

Some of the delicious flavors. I like mixing it up each day cuz they give my oatmeal breakfasts completely different flavors. :)

I make my oats the night before. I usually get them out of the fridge in the morning, add more milk/water, and microwave until they're warm and runny. :) Delish. Then I mix in a 6 oz. Carbmaster yogurt. These things are so good. If you don't believe me, ask Emily. It has more protein than the lite yogurt I used to get (9 grams!) and 2-3 grams of sugar. It's only 42 cents, too. What beats that? Yes, it just so happens that Carbmaster yogurt is also 60 calories rather than 80. Kelly *nutritionist* has told me to change yogurts cuz I need the carbs of normal yogurt (the carbmaster only has 4g), but I'll get them in some other way because I'm not giving up this stuff.. it just tastes good! So I'm going to continue to buy it :)

Ok, sorry about the yogurt rant.

Anyway, today I was talking to my friend Maria on the phone as I was chopping some onion (fun stuff :P) about my problems with food. Aka- my restriction/bingeing. The more I talked about it the more I realized I'm really tired of having this problem. It's stupid really. I'm sick of not allowing myself a few pretzels at lunch, yet eating peanut butter by the tablespoon at night. Whaaat. Makes no sense.

Usually on my binges I specifically choose foods that I know are high calorie. 

Like the peanut butter granola I bought last weekend. I only allowed myself to try it as soon as I bought it, meaning I had less than a teaspoon. But the other night I was dipping my spoonful of peanut butter into the granola and then going for some yogurt.

Honestly, it's getting old. I used to enjoy the thrill of the binge. It was like I was on some foodie high, allowing myself to eat all of these treats that I usually forbid. But now it's just boring. It's like, 'Oh here I go again, another binge. Another 1500 calories in an hour. Another night of going to bed with an upset, overly full stomach.'

I just want to be normal. I want to eat healthy. I don't want to be underweight. I don't want to be overweight, either.

Yummy froyo from Whole Foods. Yep, I ate the whole pint in one sitting. Hey, it's only 150 calories, so it's ok, right? :P

For some reason anything more or less than 115 scares the bejeezus out of me. I need to learn to live with things being imperfect. I have to learn to allow myself something instead of all or nothing. Sound familiar? ;P

Ok, so there is SO much I could talk about since I haven't written in so long, but for now I'll just close by saying that I have a nutritionist appointment with Kelly tomorrow. I have no idea what my weight will be. Somewhere AROUND 113-116. Shocker. Hopefully it'll be on the higher end, so that I don't feel like a complete failure forced to continue in this weight gain mode. We'll see..

Before I go: Random photo time!

The handsome Conrad with his dark chocolate almond butter & banana stuffed French toast from last Friday night.

This is a close up of Connor's. But I had one, too! Mine was Bees Knees pb + banana + vanilla & almond granola.

Some of you have mentioned liking my hair, but would you like it all tangled&knotty after a 100 minute long run in the pouring rain?
Yea, I was lookin' a hot mess ;)

I do like my hair tonight, though. I didn't brush it after I showered, and this is what happened. Hmm.. Lazy can be good sometimes ;)
P.s. I know, I'm sunburnt. It's been warm and sunny here, and I'm always out doing what I love: running! :)

I hope you're all doing well! I'm about to go grab the oatmeal that I made for tomorrow morning out of the fridge because I am hungry. Yes, despite the gum chewing and vast amount of water guzzling, my stomach is telling me to eat more. And I'm not going to binge. If I want pb, I'll eat it. I won't force it down by the tablespoon, either. If I eat it, I'll savor it, the way delicious peanut butter should be enjoyed!

*Happy thoughts & love* :)

<3 Haley

Hump day!

Ok so I first titled this post, "I had been thinking it was Wednesday all day..." until I realized that I had been right.. It is Wednesday. For some reason around 6:00 tonight I started thinking it was Tuesday..
Ha, ok, we get it. I'm strange :P

Anyway, I went to see Kelly *nutritionist* today. Weight? 113.4. I believe that is maybe .2 less than last week?
I also had a little bit more clothing on than last time. However, one thing that has really improved between last week and this week is my attitude! 


I'm determined to beat this stupid ED.
Last night Conrad and I went out for froyo. They had Reese's peanut butter cup flavor. Umm, yes please!
I should have taken a picture, but I didn't :/ Sorry!
I had mostly Reese's flavor, but I also had the Bubble Gum & White Chocolate Mousse twist and the State Strawberry & Cheesecake twist. It was so good!

The last time I went out for frozen yogurt with Connor I ended up eating maybe less than an ounce. I had a whole two or so spoonfuls TOTAL!
This time I was hungry after dinner. I didn't let ED come on my late night date with my boyfriend, and boy did I eat!
13.3 ounces of frozen yogurt. In my cup alone! Ha, Connor got 10 ounces.
That's almost 350 calories of froyo. Calories? Who's counting? Not me :)

We ate it at home and I had some pretzels with it. Afterwards I was still a little hungry, so I had a greek yogurt. Apparently I hadn't gotten enough dairy? :P
Usually I would be really upset at this point. I hate when I've just finished eating and my stomach still grumbles. Ya know?
But apparently I need more. I'm trying to listen to my body.

So Kelly wasn't upset with me at all this morning. I told her how I was sick this past weekend, so it was kinda hard to eat considering I didn't have much of an appetite. She was understanding, and she's happy with the new Kick-ED-butt mentality I have at the moment.

Confession: I bought this Walden Farms Calorie Free Pancake Syrup at the store yesterday when I was picking up a bag of spinach. I put some in my oatmeal this morning, and tonight I dipped my cinnamon dusted sweet potatoes in it and mixed it with a bit of greek yogurt. It was yum.
Anyway, I guess I shouldn't be doing all of this low-cal, cal-free stuff that I do. Should I feel bad about buying this?

It's actually pretty good! Very sweet.

For example, before my workout today I was gonna grab a drink and I had a Powerade Zero sitting next to a G2. I grab the Powerade Zero.. Why are those 45 calories so scary? I've found that it's only certain foods/drinks at certain times of the day that scare me.. However, liquid calories have always been a no-no for me.


As for running, today we had a time trial workout to see who would make the travel squad for the distance girls team. I have already hit the time, so Coach had me pace the other girls. It was a relaxed and good run. Three out of five of the other girls hit the standard (10:30 for 3000meters). I'm proud of them!


Another side note: my pushups are getting so much better! I'm excited to keep fueling my body. Hopefully I'll gain some good muscle :)

Thank you all for the sweet comments on my last blog! I hope you have a good night :)
<3 Haley

P.s. After writing all this I added up my daily calories and I'm at 1550 :( Ughh, sometimes it is so hard to get to that 2500 calorie goal.
Any tips?
Here's my day:

Breakfast/Snacking:
Oatmeal- in my meeting with Kelly @8:20 A.M.
Apple @9:45
French Toast bagel +low-fat cream cheese @ 10:25 (in class)
Cals: 470

Lunch:
Sandwich with ham, tons of veggies, swiss cheese. *There's a picture of my monstrous creation in this post.*
Carrots, celery, hummus
1/2 serving of Multigrain Cheddar Crisps
*These three were all together for lunch, @1:30 P.M.
Cals:470

Post Workout Bar:
Snickers Marathon Bar @ 5:40- while I was in the ice bath after my workout
Cals: 220

Dinner:
Grilled Cod
Steamed Broccoli and Cauliflower- lots!
Medium/large boiled Sweet Potato (mashed) with maple syrup, cinnamon, greek yogurt
*all eaten around 7:45, except I originally only put half of the sweet potato on my plate, so I went downstairs and got the rest a few minutes later- I was still hungry!
Cals: 390

P.s. Sometimes I round/guesstimate calories because I have no actual way of knowing. But I'm usually pretty close.

Ok, so any tips would be helpful I guess.. Apparently I'm doing something wrong. :P
Again, I hope everyone is having a great week!
<3 Haley

Race recap!

Hello beautiful ladies! :)

To begin where I left off, I should let you know that my dad and I had some yummy pastas, chicken pesto penne and seafood linguine with marinara, the night before my race at a local Italian place. So I made sure I had some yummy carbs in me before the big day- no worries!

We had the best talk. What about? We discussed my anorexia, my bingeing. Honestly, I had no intention of letting any of this be known. Yes, I admitted to my dad that I had anorexia at the end of the summer before I went to college. Yet his reaction was almost disbelieving. He said something like, “You don’t have anorexia. You eat. You just need to eat more and get some more calories.” Since then we’ve kind of avoided the subject. We both know the problem is there, but it’s not anything that we discuss.

Needless to say it was slightly awkward to bring all of this up, especially since I was now admitting that I not only have a problem with restriction but also with bingeing. However, for some reason after I placed our orders I just felt the need to let him know what I’ve been going through. My dad has always been good at giving advice, and I guess I just wanted to hear what he had to say about it all.

He listened while I went over the episodes I’ve had. I even told him about the Christmas eve episode Christmas eve episode in which I went extreme overboard and snuck sweets upstairs, all under my dad’s nose.

Well he was more than wonderful.

He let me know that I’m not a failure or a complete weirdo. I know this, but it’s still nice to hear. I don’t think he completely understood the concept of bingeing because he kept repeating that everyone does that, Haley. Umm, no. Everyone doesn’t eat peanut butter or puppy chow until they feel like puking.

Anyway, he did express that my ‘sneaking’ behavior is definitely unhealthy. I agree. I had never thought of it before, but maybe the fact that I feel the need to hide my eating these ‘fear foods’ gives them more power over me than they should. Does that make sense? If I just allowed myself to eat them, (in the morning, at night, whenever), then they wouldn’t be as big of a deal. This realization is similar to my restricting leads to bingeing epiphany, but this time it hit a whole new chord with me.

Random, but I did this! I've never french braided before, but I gave it a try this weekend :)

Dad always let me know how proud he is of me. He discussed how hard it was raising me and my younger siblings by himself, and he apologized for all the mistakes he made along the way. He explained that he had always been the kind of guy to run away when trouble hits; so when he found himself with two daughters, 7&5, and a one year old son, he was a little scared and ignorant on how best to handle the situation. I started to tear up as he told me that I have always been more mature than both he and my mom and he respects and admires me more than I know. 

Long story short, it was great to let Dad know everything that’s been going on with me. Every time I discuss my ED, I feel that voice getting smaller and softer. Facing my demons makes it so much easier to conquer them. 

The next day: RACE DAY!

Dad reminded me the night before that I need not get nervous before the race. Freaking out won’t do me any good. I just need to step up to that starting line and give it all I’ve got. So I did.

P.s. I was not at all restrictive that morning. 

Kelly would probably say that I hadn’t eaten enough, but I woke up at 9:30, did my ‘shake-out’ run, ate my apple and greek yogurt with FiberOne cereal at 10:15 after showering, and then I had my sandwich with carrots at 11:30.

Race time was 2:55, and I needed to start warming up at 2, so I couldn’t eat too close.

Anywayyy, the race!

It’s SECs. So why am I in the lead? Well, because no one else took it, I guess. I was feeling great, too.

Coach was giving me my 200m splits on the side, and since it was so loud I was just watching his fingers signal 4-0. I was supposed to be hitting 40’s, so this was good to see. I even heard the announcer over the intercom saying, “And Haley Greenwell, the sophomore from Mississippi State is doing a phenomenal job of pacing this race.” It gave me some confidence that I was doing OK for my first 5k on the indoor track!

Then it hit me.

I had been sick all weekend, as you read in my last post, and around the 3.5k mark I started to really feel it. I was falling apart. I held on with all that I had, but I simply couldn’t keep the pace.

The leaders had taken the lead from me a little before this, simply because they’re psycho fast, but after a while I began to get passed by girls that should not have passed me! I made several one-steppers on the inside of the railing towards the end just because I was so dizzy. Luckily I wasn’t disqualified for this. My body didn’t want to go anymore!

Well I finished with a 5k time of 17:05 and I got 7th place, earning me All-SEC honors. I literally passed out at the finish line. My eyes rolled into the back of my head, and I couldn’t stand; I couldn’t move. I was lying there on the track, and I kept telling myself to get up! I hate when girls are dramatic and act like they’re dying after a race. Now I’m one of these girls, except that I wasn’t being dramatic, ha. I was really out of it.

Once I was carried to the bleachers, Coach pushed a Gatorade and a Gatorade protein bar into my hands, and my trainer helped me to eat and drink. After I had regained some consciousness I muttered, “G2”, to hear him say, “I don’t want to hear shit about G2. You need the calories.” The way he said it doesn’t sound as bad as it looks. He was just letting me know that I needed to refuel after the race.

So once he walked away I convinced my trainer to get me a G2 because I couldn’t handle the sweetness of the G at the time. Also, the Gatorade Protein bar tasted like pure sugar. I tried to eat it, but it was not appetizing at all.

After a few minutes I got a Cliff bar out of my bag and drank my G2.

I got back onto the bus around 4:30 to find a sandwich waiting for me. Yay, Firehouse Subs finally got my order right! Whole wheat sub with smoked turkey breast, swiss cheese, & marinated mushrooms. I asked for no mayo, no mustard. I also requested to add on cucumber and bell pepper.

Although it was the sandwich I requested, I still felt horrible once I got on the bus, and I didn’t have an appetite at all.

I told myself that if the sandwich was still around by 9, I’d have to eat it, whether I was hungry for it or not.

Soooo I did. At 9.

Then I finally started to feel better around 11.

I’ve never felt so drained after a race!

How I look tonight.. Note that I didn't brush my hair after showering.. :P

I was upset with myself at first because I didn’t finish the race the way that I wanted, but hey.. I did my best. I gave it my all. That’s all I can ask for! Yay for self-acceptance :)

These past couple days I haven’t been focusing too much on calories. I am just wary of my restricting habits, and I’m trying to break them.

I need to have higher calorie breakfasts, and I probably should eat a snack before lunch, too. So yes, many things to work on!

Dinner tonight: Some spaghetti and penne noodles with a laughing cow cheese wedge melted with greek yogurt for the sauce! I added garlic powder, broccoli, cauliflower, grilled chicken, and some fresh parsley :) Yum!

I see Kelly tomorrow. I have a feeling I’ve lost weight again :/

I really want to get better. I feel more motivated than I have in a long time.

Really, I feel like I will be a better runner and stronger, overall if I gain a little weight, preferably in muscle! ;)

Anyway, Conrad is here. He was doing homework, but now I’m being a lame girlfriend who is blogging instead of cuddling with her boyfriend.

He wants to go out for froyo tonight! I could probably use the calories :)

I hope yall have a great night!

My beautiful teammates and I

<3 Haley