Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Again and again..

My mom relapsed.
For the first time since last July.
When she took that drink last June my world fell apart.
I started taking control of the situation by not eating, by over-exercising, by ostracizing myself from everyone else..
I pray that this time will be different.
I've got to be strong.

But it hurts so bad to hear her crying to me telling me that this is the last time. She'll go to treatment. She'll get better.
She tells me she's at home, yet I hear rap music playing in the background.
I know she's probably drunk and high. And there's nothing I can do about it.
As soon as I think that things are going good, something like this happens. :( Just hurts so bad.
<3

21 comments:

  1. You are very strong! I'm sorry you have to go through that and wish you didn't have to.

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  2. I'm so sorry, Haley. I wish I could give you a hug right now! I can only imagine how hard this must be, but you are a strong, courageous, and resilient woman, and you can get through this without taking it out on your body. Try to remind yourself that resorting to old behaviors won't make you feel better in the long-term- it will only make everything harder. Right now, you deserve to treat yourself with compassion and care. You and your mom will be in my prayers every night, Haley. Take care of yourself and don't hesitate to contact me if you need anything! <3

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  3. *hugs* so sorry to hear that. Like Jess said, you can get through this without taking it out on your body. It might give you the illusion of control when things are out of control, but in reality, EDs just make us even more out of control.

    Stay strong...

    A.L.

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  4. Oh Haley, even though something horrible like this is happening you cannot use it to resort to unhealthy behaviours. After all, you'll just be doing what your mom is doing and I know that you don't want to do that. Stay strong, my love. I'm here if you need to talk xxx

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  5. haley we are HERE FORYOU! im so sorry to hear this, but dont let it stop you from becoming the person YOU want to be.. remember your goals and where u want to be in life.. u dont wnt to be relapsing like her when ur her age (different situations but same concept) you wna be STRONG.. im sending you so much love!!!

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  6. Will be praying for you and your mum, Jesus is holding your hand through all this.
    xxx

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  7. Argh I'm sorry Haley!! I know what you're going through- alcoholism runs in my family, which is part of the reason I never touch the stuff! I wouldn't wish this kind of thing to happen anyone :(

    The most important thing is to not blame yourself, and just try to get on with your own life. That sounds weird I know but when this happened with my dad I was constantly thinking about him and blaming myself and just being so depressed that it had a HUGE negative impact on my own life. You are so STRONG and AMAZING and I have complete faith that this time will be different for you. "God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" and He is here for you, as are we!!

    P.S. The first time he relapsed, I turned away from God. But the second time, I turned back to God, and had faith and patience, and my dad hasn't relapsed since (3 years sober!!). My pastor gave me a little card which I keep in my purse, and he said to me "Let go, and Let God". This was the verse on the card: "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea." Psalm 46:1-2 I love that verse, and knowing that He was with me and my dad in those dark times made a big difference:)

    LOVE YOU Hales, stay strong!! I KNOW you will, and I'm here any time <3 <3 <3

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  8. Oh Haley I just hurting for you. I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you and I appreciate how open you are about it. Know that no matter what happens, your body and your health ARE WORTH IT! That being said, I know this must be a huge trigger for you and I will be praying for God's extra protection over you. Remember this verse:

    "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you". Psalm 39:7

    Love you girl!

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  9. You have the power inside you to be stronger than ever! But know and be comforted and encouraged by the fact that I'm praying for you!

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  10. I am sorry about your mom. :( I understand how it feels. I've been there and done that. If you want to email me and talk--just to talk--then my email is ashley.nuter@gmail.com.

    Everybody is here for you, hun.

    XXXXXXHUGSXXXXX

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  11. I'm so sorry you have to be dealing with this right now. But remember all the progress you've made in kicking ED's butt. I know this must be so tough to deal with, but you've gotta keep fighting. I know you can, you are so strong and such an inspiration to me. I'll be praying for you and your mom!

    <3

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  12. Oh Haley, stay strong. Remember you don't need ED to deal with hard times. That being said, I can't imagine how tough this is for you. You are an amazing girl, though, who God loves so so much. I'm praying for you.
    <3

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  13. I'm thinking and praying for you. Hang in there girly, no matter what! Keep holding on and you'll make it through.

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  14. I'm so sorry Haley. If I could I would travel all the miles just to give you a hug and tell you that everything will be okay. I can't imagine how hard this is but remember that you aren't using the behaviors--it's just ED using you.
    I know how strong you are and I will be praying for you and your mom. Sending love your way.

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  15. I'm really sorry :( I have no words. A mother is supposed to be someone who supports you and you look up to...I just can't imagine.

    I wish you and your mom the best

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  16. I am so sorry!! I don't know what to say but I wish you and your mom the best! I hope she gets into recovery. :)

    Looking forward to reading more of your blog!!

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  17. I'm so so sorry to hear about your Mom. Hang in there and try to be good to yourself by taking care of yourself...not easy when things are hard, trust me I know. But God wants the best for you Haley, and part of that is taking care of your body. You're a talented, beautiful person who has touched A LOT of people... please know that I'm praying for you.

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  18. Hi, just found your blog.
    I'm going thru atough time with being underweight.if u are open to sharing your story and some opinions, let me know.
    my email is diaryofsomegirl@gmail.com

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  19. I am so sorry. There is nothing that I can say o take your pain away, but I'm here, and please know that I care. Much love and {{{HUGS}}}

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  20. I'm so sorry about your mom. I want you to know that you are strong enough to get through this. I also wanted to wish you good luck at nationals! Enjoy the trip and run your hardest! Leave everything on the track!! Also remember at times when you want to relapse how nutrition and healthy eating has helped you in running. I've been reading your blog for awhile and you are such an inspiration to me. Good luck and if you want to talk feel free to contact me!

    ktr010@bucknell.edu

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  21. Im so so sorry! I really dont know what to say..

    Stay strong, and take real good care of yourself<3

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