Mother's Day, every day, without a mom

So tonight my roommates and I were enjoying our study-break time together during this stressful week of final exams, and the topic of mothers came up when my roommate Cat mentioned her mother's constant facebook updates about her daughter.. Two other roommates had similar stories about their moms displaying their pride in their daughters via the world wide web, as well..
Lots of mother talk ensued, followed by family talk...

It felt just like the Mother's Days we used to have in Elementary school.. the ones where we would make some cutesy craft or picture for our moms and show them when they all came in to take a group picture with us..
There were several times like that.. Teachers would send home a permission sheet, and they would tell us to ask our moms to sign it; moms would come in to read to the class; moms volunteered to work in the school clinic.. My dad worked full time as well as being the single parent of three, and he couldn't do all of that school volunteer stuff. I probably wouldn't have wanted him to, anyway. I love my dad very much, but it was the principle of having a mom there that I missed. And that's what it felt like tonight.. I wished I had the memories like they do, good ones, to speak of.

I have always had a mother, but never a mom..
I have had a few brief moments, but never the real thing.. Snapshots of my brother, sister, and I visiting several different rehab centers; birthday cards on most that she missed, always telling me she was getting better and would be home soon; the few on and off months she lived with us, catching her drunk upstairs with my younger brother in the room trying to make her stop; I even had almost 2 years of sobriety with her.. 2 years that I will never forget.. But all of these moments were ruined with one sip.

To this day, I still am unsure if it is the disease or the choosing of alcohol and drugs over us that has caused her absence in my life..

I miss having a mom.. I know I have moms in my life, specifically Connor's, who take such great care of me and love me dearly, but it is not the same..

Sadly, I don't even know where my own mother is or what she is doing.. Is she still in jail? Is she out? Why am I getting phone calls from both inside and outside prison, then? I don't answer, so I have no way of knowing..
I can't answer. It hurts to talk to her. (But doesn't it hurt just as much to ignore?)

She put my grandmother in the hospital this time. Mama Sissy had to have surgery, and she'll probably stay in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. My mother strangled and hurt my aunt, her sister. And of course she said and did the same awful things that she does every. single. time. she is under the influence of alcohol and cocaine.
I can't just let that go.

My mother always comes at me with, "Haley, you know what it's like to have a problem.. to have an addiction, you have one too.. you can't judge me."
And that tears me up so bad.. she knows that it does.
It makes me feel like I'm just like her when I want so badly not to be.

I don't know what to do anymore.
I want to be there for her. I want her to know how loved she is, because I truly do love her with every fiber of my being, otherwise I would have given up on her long, long ago.
But the hurt is so heavy now.. heavier than ever before.
Talk of mothers hasn't cut so deeply since I was 7 years old and my mother had just recently left us..

And now, 14 years later, I have reached the point at which I am finally letting her go.

I love you Mom. I haven't given up; I just can't have my heart ripped to pieces to be half-stitched back together one more time..
<3 Haley

Less than perfect

Last night one of my roommates approached me after our 'house meeting' and asked if we could speak one on one.. We talk frequently, so I wasn't sure what it was about; I said sure.
She took me aside and began with, "Haley.. I just want to let you know that you mean so much to me and everyone else who lives here, and I have been wanting to tell you this for a long time.. I want you to know that you are so much more than a runner. You are more than a straight A student, an athlete, etc.. You are a child of God, and you will always be perfect in His eyes." 
Of course I am summarizing, but I do remember one quote word for word: "Haley, I will love you whether you go out and run 20 miles or if you decide to sit your butt on the couch all day."

I didn't realize how much that would mean to me.. I always feel like I am expected to be this amazing RUNNER/leader/student/daughter/girlfriend.. and I know that no one really expects me to be perfect.. but it's hard when I am surrounded by so many that only look at me as a runner and nothing more.

*Disclaimer: I seriously do love running again.. I want to run. I do love being known as a runner. Sometimes I feel like that is all some people see me as, though, and that is only one part of me.*


I have so many quirks and annoying habits, and my personality can be quite obnoxious when I'm super hyper/happy/crazy.. but I love who I am.. I SHOULD love who I am.

I am perfect, perfectly flawed.

I am so very tired of comparing myself to sick girls on my team.. or anyone whose only thoughts and goals in life are running.. comparing myself to people who put their entire life on facebook for the world to see and envy.. comparing myself to women in magazines or on tv I'm sure we all wish we could look like, dress like, act like, be loved like..

Not going to lie though, I am still struggling. I am bigger than I want to be. I am not running like I want to be *injured*. I am not strong enough in my faith like I want to be. I am not PERFECT like I want to be.

But I am working on everything, and I am a work in progress..

One of my favorite artists is P!nk..

Tonight I decided to listen to her song and the watch the music video, "F***in' perfect" Click to watch > Music video.

It just makes me sad knowing that the girl in the video sees herself in such a negative light, when the rest of the world and especially God knows that she has so much more going for her.

Last night my roommate and I ended up discussing my body image issues, and she mentioned her own issues, "What, you don't think I look in the mirror every day and hate what I see?" 

You see, my roommate is overweight.. I'm not trying to be mean here, but I need to say it in order to get the story across..

When she said that, my heart literally hurt.. I know she is big and all, but she is always so confident and happy, and she is truly such a beautiful person.. It hurts me to think that she would associate herself with any sort of hatred.

So if it hurts us to know that others are so harsh on themselves then why are WE?

We should treat ourselves with more respect, love, and tolerance. We deserve that.

I hope everyone reading this will be inspired to embrace your imperfections and begin to love them or change those habits, quirks, actions if they bother you so much.. But don't change who you are. Be true to yourself.

I hope this blog post reminds you all that EVERYONE is struggling. You are not alone. You do not have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. No need to strive for your own version of perfection because, honestly, you will never get there. No one can.
But you can be the best that you can be, the most beautiful you, by treating yourself and others with more love than you ever have before.

So much love,

<3 Haley

Letting go of ED, grabbing hold everywhere else.

Okay, so hiiiii everyone, if anyone is reading..
If not, then just hi to cyberspace..
Umm I know I have been gone for a loooong time.
Buuuut I just love blogging at random times, and I know that right now it will do me some good..

To catch everyone up, my cross country season was Craaaap with a capital C.
Why? Several reasons probably.. the most important being that I felt burnt out from running.. I didn't enjoy it anymore, and I began to associate it with my ED. I wanted so bad to leave that world (ED) of unhappiness, loneliness, selfishness, worthlessness, etc..

Not until recently did I decide to get my head out of my butt and start over with running.
I acquired a new attitude, and I was so excited to battle for the rest of the year just like I did last year. However, soon afterwards, I found that my calf was hurting so badly that I began to limp when running..

I got an MRI the week after SEC's, and the doctor read it as clear.. So many people were telling me that it was just shin splints (including the doctor).. And that has been really frustrating because it hurts so badly, not like shin splints..
So the past couple weeks have been rough.

I've been cross training, (bike, pool, elliptical, etc..) and nothing hurts other than walking and running.
Most of the time I can't even walk without a gimp..

So I obviously did not run Regionals last weekend.. and I'm glad I didn't because I don't think I would have been very much help at all, and I probably would have hurt myself even worse..
I went to see Katie (trainer) when we got back this week, and she suggested that I see another doctor.. So yesterday I went to see another doctor, and this doctor actually seemed interested in my leg! He touched it, asked me questions, and said that it sounded to him like a gastrocnemius muscle tear..
He checked the MRI that the previous doctor had read as clear, and we all could easily see the tear in my leg that the previous doctor had missed..

I left the doctor smiling this time.
Of course I am not happy to be injured, but this is great news that it is not a stress fracture, and at least now I know what it is.
The doctor says that I will be back running by December 15th, and I am MORE than happy.
I seriously did not realize how much I would miss it. Sure, a couple days off is cool sometimes, but by the time I start running again I will have been off for at least 6.5 weeks.. So I know if I am itching to run now that I definitely will be by then.

Anyway, other than that.. things have been really different..
Sometimes I am way up, and sometimes I am way down.. I am dealing with a lot of family stuff right now, and I didn't realize until recently just how much of an effect all of that has on me..

But anyway, I am finding out who I am, and I am learning to love myself.
The only thing that I hate is my hold on my eating disorder.. sometimes I still find myself having very anorexic thoughts and I'll think that maybe today I can just eat 1000 calories and work out for an hour and half and lose half a pound..
Other days I go on the other end and just want to eat everything in sight, and I think it's because I want so badly to get away from my anorexia... there's something in me that calls for food, even if I'm not hungry.. it's like a void in my life that I fill with anything and everything I can get my hands on..

So yea, there's too much to mention everything in my life in this one blog post, but I want everyone to know that even though this blog is pretty negative, I am soooo much happier now than ever, and I have made some of the best friends this year, Jodie and Mollie. *No pics of Mollie cuz she hates the camera, ha. Also, I live in a wonderful house with wonderful roommates (4 other girls, eek! ha) ;) And Connor and I now have the best puppy in the whole world. Oh, and as always, I love Connor ;)

Connor's head and my baby girl PUPPY, Riley!!

Best friend Jodie :)

I'll write more often cuz there's just TOO much to say now.

Lovelovelove everyone that reads this.

Oh, and I am really growing in my relationship with Christ. It's super awesome. Just sayin'

<3 Haley

Mom relapsed; I'm hurting.

I'm going through a rough time right now..

I set up my voicemail on my Iphone Monday night, and all of a sudden I had 14 new voicemails.. Oops.

Two of them were from my mother.

She left one towards the end of August and one on September 3rd..

The September 3rd voicemail was left from the number that she used to call me on when she relapsed.. some 751 number with music playing in the background.. my heart stopped..

I was already texting my dad, so I text him asking about Mom..

"Where's Mom? I just realized I haven't talked to her in forever.. Did she relapse?"

Dad responds saying that yes, she did relapse, and she is at Lakeside Hospital in the drug and alcohol center.. 

My heart hurts. I try to be strong, asking, "Why didn't anyone tell me? When did she relapse? When will she get out of Lakeside?"

Dad pretty much tells me that he didn't tell me because he knows how I worry and try to take her burdens on myself.

I know he's right, but I'm still upset.

I'm not a child; I deserve to know what's going on..

So Wednesday morning we had a workout, and of course I sucked it uuupppp.

We did a 1200 on a flat/downhill course with 90 seconds rest and then ran a 400 uphill pretty fast with 4 minutes rest before the next 1200. We did 5 reps.

I don't know what happened, but my body just wouldn't go.

Mentally, emotionally, physically, I was drained..

I hadn't eaten the best the day before.. 

Tuesday during the day I had way too much pb at lunch.. almost a complete binge.. I guess I would call it a binge, but it wasn't as much as usual.. And then I had a small-ish dinner and went to bed and woke up kinda hungry..

My trainers saw that I was getting dizzy, I was looking like I was about to pass out, and so they continued to shove Peanut butter Gatorade bars down my throat..

Yes, I felt better once I had some food in me, but I still sucked (finished 6th on the team towards the end).. And anyway, I don't think that's the problem..

I feel like I'm letting all of my emotional damage mess with my running..

Mom & I Christmas eve 2010

My dad texted me Wednesday morning worrying about how I was doing, and I replied saying how horrible the workout went.. 

He said that he's not surprised because the mind, body, and soul are all connected, and if one is out of whack it is hard for the others to function properly.. I agree with this concept..

So I've been trying to get back on track, but it's so hard..

I mean, isn't it sad that I didn't talk to my mother for 3 weeks before realizing that we hadn't spoken in a while??

Isn't it sad that the only way I know about my sister is through facebook??

And how pathetic is it that the guys team asked me where she goes to school and I responded saying, "I don't really know.. I think she may be in community college..?"

I know she was trying to get in, but she applied late, so I'm not sure whether it worked out.

I miss her.

We fought all the time in high school, but we're so different and we had so much going on throughout our childhood.. I can't really blame her for acting out against me or anyone else.

And my brother is probably going through so much right now, too.. I can't even imagine how he feels..

I feel disconnected from my family, and it hurts..

But so much s*** happens that sometimes it's easier that way.

Sara, me, Dad, and Reed at my high school graduation, May 2009

My mom called me from some random number Thursday night when I was pulling dinner out of the oven.. I answered and my heart stopped again when I realized it was her on the line..

I could tell she was slightly messed up plus she had been crying, so I told her I couldn't talk right now even though she said she really needed to talk to me..

She asked if she could call me back at 9 that night. I said yes.

But when she called, I saw the number, and I hurt too bad to answer.

What am I supposed to say?

I'm tired of the hurt.

I'm tired of loving her, caring for her, being there for her every time she relapses..

Yet I can't let her go.

I know she loves me.

I don't doubt that for a second.

But I hate her disease.

I hate mine, too.

I hate addiction. I hate this disconnection I feel from her and the world.

At least things with my dad are infinitely better than high school. He is my biggest fan, and I love him so much.

This morning I had an 8 mile tempo run.. 47:17. My teammate Renee did 47:09. We did the last three miles on the track, and with 800 to go she left me but tried to pull me along.

My legs hurt, my body hurt.. I was weak.

I'm worried about this year.

Running-wise, things are much different.. I am not as obsessive over every single mile, but is that a bad thing?

Is obsession/anorexia/making running your life the price that you have to pay to be good?

I'm making B's on all of my tests so far.. I feel overweight..  I don't feel like I'm excelling in anything :/

Yes, overall, I am still happy, and I am loving my life without food/running/being perfect being the center of everything.. but sometimes I miss that on top of the world feeling.

I feel like the world is on top of ME. And the pressure is just too much sometimes.

Okay, so that's a lot to say..

There's a lot of emotion in here.. a lot of things that I haven't addressed or felt in a long time.

But I just needed to get all of this off my chest.

If you read all this, you're a hero, ha.

I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer in this post. Life is good.

It's just hard.

And I find myself being sad without even noticing it..

Connor and I were making dinner last night, and I was chopping the onion.. It made me cry.. I never cry with onions, but I figured this one was just especially potent.. But then Connor looked over at me and said that I actually look sad, like it's not just the onions that are making me cry..

And that's kinda what's been going on lately.. every opportunity I have to be sad, I take it.. I don't want to be, but I just miss my mom and I wish that her actions proved the love that she has for us..

I wish I had more than 6 months of sobriety with her.

Okay, I'll stop writing.

<3 

Late night lab & happy goofiness

Just finished a freaking long lab report for 'Introduction to Food Preparation' class.
It was about sensory evaluation.
What a fun lab, though! Eating gummy bears, mushrooms, pretzels, pineapple, grapes, chocolate, almonds to identify their flavor, texture, aroma, and appearance. Too bad the report wasn't as much fun as the taste testing ;) haha, oh well.
I love nutrition :)

Yummy pasta and bread to fuel my beautiful teammates & I on pre-race day :)

P.s. I won the home meet this weekend! 5k in 17:48.. it wasn't the fastest time, and now I wish I had gone faster in the middle, but oh well! A win is a win! Plus that's 30 seconds faster than last year at this time, so really I shouldn't be complaining.
Also, I am so much happier now than I was a year ago; it's crazy.

My amazing friend/roommate Mollie was just going through her facebook messages, and she came across a message she sent to her mom on September 20th of LAST YEAR in which she was asking her mom to pray 'for her friend Haley who is really having a hard time dealing with her mom situation' and she mentioned that I wasn't eating.. I think that is just so crazy that I am in a completely different place now.

My boo :)

And I am so sososoosososo much happier.
Seriously, I didn't know life could be this good a year ago.
Yea, life sucks sometimes. It's not a birthday party every day. Buuuut, I will take the good with the bad.
Cuz now I'm so goofy and I love it :)

Creepin' in the background ;)

<3 Haley

Back from Neverland :)

Okay, so I doubt anyone even reads this thing anymore!
I mean, when was the last time I posted? Forever ago..
But that is okay! I started this blog for me and ultimately that is what it is about.. my sanity :P

So anywayyyy, life has been good.
Ups and downs, for sure.
But I am happy.
I am experiencing emotion.
I cannot describe in words the change that has overcome me this past year.

I went to see my therapist, Dr. Tatem, yesterday for the first time in quite a while. After a few minutes of us just chatting and catching up, she just stared at me with this weird smile on her face..
I was like, "What?"
And she responded saying that she has never seen me with so much spirit. She said that now, even when describing my worst days, I still have more fire and life than she had ever seen in me before.
She also said that I have grown so much.. Honestly, that is definitely how I would sum up this chapter of my life. It has definitely been about growth and discovering who I am.

No one wants the Haley that was stuck inside of a skeletal body, wishing she could just be alone and not wanting to socialize, eat out, go out with everyone..
They like the one that is dancing on the couch like she's had wayyy too much to drink even though I really have not had a sip!

Eating=living.
Living=letting yourself feel... everything!

Yes, it hurts sometimes, but life is so much better now that I am laughing or crying or angry or whatever!
I am getting to know myself.
I LOVE who I am.

I love this quirky, confident, confused, spunky, outgoing, and crazy girl!

I wasn't ready for the picture.. :) haha, but this is typical Hay + Nay

P.s. Renee, I am stealing pictures from your blog because I am writing this from a computer at school. :P
I'll upload my own soon :)

I love my team!!

So anorexic thoughts definitely comes back to bite me in the butt sometimes; don't get me wrong..
And that ultimately leads to a binge *or multiple binges*..
But I am learning to give my body, mind, and soul everything that it desires because
I deserve that.

Connor and I are still together, and we are more in love than ever. He is my everything.
I am loving Nutrition (my major), and running is going alright, as well. I do wish that I could lose some of this binge weight so that I would be more fit for this season, but it will all come off in due time if it is meant to happen.
My family is the same, my family.. We're distant, and it hurts sometimes, but maybe it's better this way..

I will write again soon with a more detailed post. I just wanted to do a little catch-up. I miss everyone I have met through blogger, and I hope you all have been doing wonderfully!
<3 Haley

Yayyy! I figured out how to blog!

Okay so my school just switched our university email to google mail, and so it wouldn't let me sign onto this google account for some reason. Therefore, no blogging was possible.
Buuuttt I figured out how to switch accounts, and now it is possible to blog again.
Tonight.
I'm super stoked.
Okay bye. :)

I miss blogging :(

I haven't had internet for foreverrrr until the past couple days and things have just been CUH-RAAAYYY-ZYYY
(Crazy) haha

Buttt I will write as soon as possible for anyone who cares to read.
For now just know that things are good for the most part :)
<3 Haley

Ending the summer on a good note :)

I only have 20 minutes to post before my friend Sam comes to pick me up for our 'hang-out date' later, but I just wanted to update my blog and let everyone know how great I am doing :)

Umm.. there are several different facets of my life I'd like to bring up..

Running- Things have been going okay.. My long run on Saturday (15 miles) was pretty killer, but that's just cuz I'm dumb and went out way too fast to be able to hold that pace for an hour and 45 minutes.
I don't know how fast I really went, but I'd say I averaged sub 6:40 cuz last week I ran with Tiffany at Boardtown runners (the group in Starkville), and she said that she averaged 6:39 for our 15.2 mile route. I finished a little faster than her.
This past Saturday's run was harder and definitely a faster pace, so that's good I guess?!

I haven't hit my mileage the past two weeks, and it's very frustrating :/ It's just so hot, and the two-a-days are hard to do sometimes when I don't want to run til 10 P.M. and then I'm either too tired or whatever to do it.. Anyway, I'm definitely going to do it this week, though! No excuses :) 75 miles, here I come.

I do think that I would be a little quicker/fitter/better with less weight, but I guess it will fall off as the season progresses.. That does bring me to the issue of eating :P

Eating-Things have been really good for the most part :) I have been eating intuitively, what I want, when I want.
I did meet with my dietician/nutritionist Kelly last Wednesday before I left. We came up with a meal plan  just to make sure I'm getting enough food in me to fuel for all of my mileage without underdoing it some days and then binging on others. I'm tired of that cycle.

I will admit that I had one slip-up.. a binge. :/ I had been restrictive and thought I could cheat Kelly's plan by cutting 700? calories? False. I should know better!

I haven't actually been logging my food intake like Kelly wants just cuz I've been so busy with other stuff, but I will get on that starting today..
I do know, though, that I am doing a good job of fueling my body. I did a 7 mile run on the treadmill this morning (I was too tired, so I slept in), and I averaged 6:40 pace feeling like I could go forever.
Love it :)

Relationships- 
Mom- I went to the Y with my mom the other day. I ran 12 miles on the treadmill while she walked 4.. I really enjoyed the time with her..
Some people think that I need to have more space than I do with my mom, that I should just let her go..
But Idk, it's so hard to lose someone that you love so much.
I went my whole life without a mom, and now that I finally have one, I don't want to let her go.
I know how hard it is to have an addiction.. I also know that it can be overcome. And I have faith that my mom can do it.
Whether she does it anytime soon, I don't know. But I am praying that she does.

Connor- Read this post: "Mushy Gushy Love", and then tell me that I do not have the best boyfriend in the world.
I am spoiled.
I love him to the world and back.
I can't imagine my life without him, and luckily I will never have to.
I could go on and on about how Connor is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, but Sam is here, and I would probably gross you all out with my cheesiness, anyway ;)

Okay, I also wanted to talk about my relationship with God, but I guess I will post about that later tonight or tomorrow :/ It deserves it's own post, anyway.
I hope everyone is having a great week so far, and I am so excited that I am going back to Starkville on Thursday!!
I came home for the week since summer school ended. Straight A's, btw :)

So much love!!
<3 Haley

12 miles w/ broken tempo

2.5 mile easy
2 mile tempo- 11:33
.5 mile easy
2 mile tempo- 11:34
.5 mile easy
2 mile tempo- 11:11
2.5 mile cooldown

I know I ran fast, but I feel like it should have been easier to hit the times that I did..
Today was the first day of summer training that I actually hurt like I do in a race.
I love that.
As my coach's wife was pulling away from me during the second set, I was thinking, "Is this what you're going to do in a race, Haley? At SEC's, you're just going to lay down and let Florida/Vanderbilt/Georgia run to the Championship title? No ma'am!" So I pushed.
And it felt so good to run fast and run through pain. The finish was the best part. I felt like I was flying, and I could have gone forever. *Although, in reality I probably could not hold onto that pace for very much longer at all, ha!*

This is why I love running!
This is why I need to continue fueling my body.
I also need to work on doing all of the little things right.. eat, sleep, hydrate.. all very important and necessary for optimal training.

P.s. My nutritionist that had a baby foreveeerrr ago and I haven't seen (in session) since, Kelly, texted me today saying she read my blog and was wondering if I'm doing okay and if I want to come in and see her.
I know she read it cuz I accidentally did this stupid facebook app that publishes your posts to the news feed. EEk! So I deleted it.
Nevertheless, I replied saying it would probably be good for me to see her, but I don't want to know my weight. I know it's high, and that would just be triggering for me, I think.

Also, my therapist is out of town at a psych convention, but she called last night to check on me, and she said she'll call later this week to kind of do a session over the phone..? Idk! She really cares for me. I think it will be good to talk to her.

Annddd I am moving into my new house this Friday!!! Woot! I'm moving little things in now, but I will officially be out of my apartment with all of these horrible memories in less than 2 days!
So excited :))

Hope everyone is having a happy Hump day :)
<3

Running towards recovery

Why is my life a never ending roller coaster? :P

I guess I should start with the 12th-ish of July..

That is the day I realized that I have ONE MONTH until cross country practice begins..

I went kinda psycho that day I guess cuz I calculated how many calories I need to eat in order to lose 10 pounds in this month..

I decided that I would eat 800-1300ish a day, while running 75ish miles a week.

Yea, I know.. stupid..

I got really serious about it, though, about a week and a half ago.

So Connor came to visit me this past week.

He got here on Tuesday, and it was lovely. We had a great time, that is, until every mealtime rolled around..

Connor would want to eat pasta.. Pasta?!! That's all carbs!! I don't need those calories!

So I'd make a huge yummy salad.. Yes, I enjoyed the salad, but I was depriving myself of nutrients and calories I needed. I was counting calories. I was food logging, and I was beginning to get obsessive.

One day I ended up at 900, and I was SO excited and proud of myself.

What is wrong with this picture??

Ha, but seriously..

So Connor wanted to go out to eat one of the last nights he was here.. We went out to Old Venice Friday night, our favorite pasta place.. I had a huge freakout even allowing myself to go out, let alone for Italian.

I ended up ordering a salad and splitting half a flatbread veggie appetizer with the boy.

I still felt pretty hungry before bed, so I made a sweet potato with some sugar-free maple syrup, cinnamon, and PB2. 

I was proud of myself for fueling myself for the next morning's long run.

And I could tell that I had extra energy Saturday morning, too. It was one of my best long runs of the summer. I ran with a sophomore named Joseph from Starkville high, and we really pushed each other. He wants to win Mississippi's state title, and I want to be All-American. ha :P

I want to run towards a healthy, happy lifestyle, full of love and laughter.
Cheesy, I know.. But it's my dream. I think I can do it.

Anyway, Connor left, and I realized that I was alone, yet again..

And I was hungrier on Saturday than usual, so I ate more than I had planned, and I didn't really count calories.. This led to my feeling like I was a failure. I can't even 'diet' correctly..

So Sunday I woke up late, and I had NO desire to run..

I thought maybe I'd run later, but nah.. didn't feel like running then, either.

I know it's horrible, but am I getting burnt out already??!

What is wrong with me?

I'm Haley.. Miss 'Please, give me more mileage!', Miss 'I know the schedule said 12 miles easy, but I did 14 and I was going 6:10 pace by the end'.

Since when am I too lazy to do a 4 stinking mile easy run on Sunday?

I was miserable.

I cried. I binged. I balled. I slept. I binged. I studied. repeat.

This morning my alarm didn't go off in time.

I woke up at 6, missing the 5:30 A.M. running date that I had actually set up for the other girls and I.

So I slept in, and then went to Psych and then to Chem where I took my third test.

I got home to check the computer and find out that I got a 97 on my third test. Thank goodness because the second one was an 81. Hopefully I do better on the fourth one because you can drop your lowest grade, and if I can have three A test grades going into the final I will feel much better.

Even that didn't get me out of this rut, though..

I somewhat binged and then studied for my Psych test tomorrow.. Then slept until I ran with some other girls on the team at 6:30. I made it 4.5 miles, and I had to stop to go to the restroom..

My stomach was killing me!

I contemplated walking the 2 miles back to the track, but I saw a couple of my teammates leaving a local restaurant, so I pulled myself together and ran back to catch up with a couple of my teammates that I had previously left..

I stole the running pics from my friend Sam's blog.

When I got back we all went to the restroom and then stretched and got to talking..

I let my friends/teammates Adriana and Dom know that I have been having a pretty hard time, lately.. It was really good to confide in friends that I know really care for me.

The thing is, I don't really even have a reason for the way I've been feeling..

Things with my dad are so much better than they were 2 years ago.. I have the best boyfriend in the world.. My mother has 50? days of sobriety.. I am doing well in school..
Yet I put all of this stress on myself.

It's like I'm never good enough. I'm not smart, pretty, thin, fast enough.

For who? No one else expects perfection. Except for me, that is.

Anyway, I only ran 6.5 out of the 11 miles I was supposed to run today.

My stomach wouldn't let me go anymore than that.

And for once I'm okay with this.

Because I know that tomorrow is a new day.

I'm going to fuel my body.

I'm not going to limit my calories to freaking 1200 a day..

I'm going to work on fueling my body because I realized tonight that I love what I do. I love running.

I hate these pressures I put on myself. They make me miserable, and they completely distort my perception of myself and my sport.

No one else expects me to be the fastest in the nation. They just expect my best.

So that's what I'm going for.

I hope everyone has a great week.

Your comments, thoughts, and prayers mean so much to me.

<3 Haley

P.s. I will be doing the Q&A as soon as things will school settle down. Let me know if yall have any more questions!

Struggling..

I know I haven't posted in a while..
Things were going really well.
Or at least I thought they were.
Now my world seems to be caving in around me.
I don't even really have much of a reason.
I don't know when I'll hit bottom.
I hope this is it.
I'll post more soon.
<3

Questions, anyone?

I'm thinking I'm going to do a Q&A post sometime soon.
I've had several readers email me asking various questions, and I'm just gonna open up to anyone that wants to know.. well, anything!

So comment on here or email me at haleylovesgreen@gmail.com, and I will try to answer any questions you may have about me, running, eating, life, my favorite color ;), whatever!!
Your questions will remain anonymous, by the way.

4th of July swimming with my boy! I miss him!

As for me, I had a great 9 mile run this morning. I am finally feeling energized. I'm not bloated from eating too much, and I'm not weak from hunger. Remember that food is your friend. It makes your legs go fast! ;) At least that's what I'm hoping for my 12 mile run (with 5 miles @ progressive tempo pace) tomorrow!
Also, I made a 96 on my first Chem 2 test yesterday. :) Life is good!

P.S. Conrad started blogging again. Check it out. :P

Lots of love!!
<3 Haley

Beautifully Broken

Deciding the title for my blog posts has never come easy to me..
But tonight, upon reading an email from one very sweet follower, these words resonated through my head: "Beautifully broken".
The reader didn't mention either of these words, but the message that she sent made me realize that this is what I am.

My blog is not one that screams recovery, nor is it one that screams eating disorder.. I feel like I'm in the middle. Some days I am doing well, other days, not so much.
But the thing is, I am trying.

I'm not <15% underweight, nor am I obese..
My natural wave of thinking is that I must be one or the other.
I know how illogical that sounds, but sometimes when I see myself all that I see is this overweight cow.
Since 115 pounds is the lowest healthy BMI weight for me, that must be what I should be.
But who says that's the case?
I am an athlete. And obviously I have done well with the weight that I have gained, so that should be proof that there is no need to revert to my old ED tendencies, something that I tend to forget/ignore much too often..

The man from the Memphis paper took my picture after winning the Firecracker 5k on July 3rd.

My story is one that I guess some people want to hear.

I never imagined why anyone would want to read about my problems/twisted, crazy life, but I see now that it's not because I have everything together..

It's because I admit that I don't have everything together. 

My life is messy. I'm not perfect. I am me.

I am broken.

I have gone through hell and back.

But I'm still here.

And my scars have left beauty marks.

Keep fighting. You are worth it.

<3 Haley

Afraid to feel..

I hate being here in my apartment alone.
I went home this weekend, and things were so good.
Then I get back to Starkville, and I'm fine for a day or two, but then the loneliness sinks in again.
I was doing so well, but tonight I once again turned to food as a source of comfort..
Whether it was because I was lonely, depressed, bored, or a combination, I don't really know..
All that I know is that I was feeling terrible, and I thought eating couldn't make it any worse.
Except that it did.
I have been having super restrictive thoughts lately just cuz I look at myself and see this fat cow.
The restrictive thoughts have led me to eat very little/healthy the past few days, which in turn led to my binging tonight, I guess.

I'm just so frustrated because I was doing SO FREAKING WELL. I was happy.
And then I have to screw it up again.

I know that I need to be turning to God in times like this.
Food is not the answer.
Whether I am not eating or eating until I can't eat anymore, neither of these will make up for whatever feelings I am trying to suppress..
I just wish I could find the source of my sadness.
I know that there is a long list of traumatic things I try to avoid, but it just seems so crazy to me that things that I don't even think about on a regular basis could be expressed through my eating.
I know it's that way, though, because whenever events bring up these thoughts I turn to whatever I know best to deal with this reminded pain, that being restriction or binging.

I'm just so tired of it.
I'm sitting here crying as I type, ashamed of my actions and my thoughts. Ashamed of the backtracking and lack of hope.

I'm sorry I'm not in a better place.
I just needed to get this off my chest.
<3

Recovery

I have never wanted to start fresh more than I do at this very moment.
I am bound and determined that I will defeat whatever challenges life throws my way.
I know that I can get through it all, coming out on the other side stronger than ever.
Screw addiction. I am going for recovery.
<3 Haley

Non-diet meltdown

I actually had a meltdown on Wednesday afternoon. I had gone to the store earlier that day and picked up one of those gallons of Green tea. I prefer Arizona Diet Green Tea, but they didn't have any at Kroger that day, so I picked up Lipton Diet Green Tea.
I was studying all day, and doing random things around the house, just drinking out of the tea jug like always (Mrs. Terri always comments about how un-ladylike this is, ha). I looked down towards the end of the afternoon to find that I had drank about a third or more of a gallon of REGULAR, non-diet green tea.
Words cannot describe the panic that went through me.
I looked down at the calorie content.
80 calories per serving (8 oz.)
16 servings in the gallon.
OH. MY. GOD.

I freaked out. I just drank 500+ calories. Empty calories. This is a problem. I don't drink calories.
I called Connor on the verge of tears, and two minutes into the conversation I was bawling..
This was definitely a sign to me that I am not recovered.
Connor was right in that it is nothing to freak out over. I had run 10 miles that morning, plus swimming, plus circuits.. And I had eaten very light that day.
Maybe it was fate that I picked up the wrong gallon of green tea..
However, I did move on, and I did have a normal dinner PLUS post-dinner snack, even though after finding out my mistake I really just wanted to crawl into bed with an empty stomach.
P.s. I have the best boyfriend ever who puts up with so much from me. I am so very grateful for him and his patience, loyalty, and love. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I am so glad he's mine.

Since then, I have been doing pretty well.
I can't remember the last time I binged. :)
I have been trying to listen to my cravings and hunger signals, but it's hard cuz sometimes I feel like my cues to eat still aren't normal. I've been in recovery for a year now.. I don't get it :P
I find myself putting far too much space between meals and snacks, drinking lots of fluids, chewing gum, not noticing any hunger. Most of the time, I am not purposefully being restrictive with my food intake.
However, I feel like sometimes the fear of going back to binging is so great that it subconsciously pushes me towards a more restrictive diet, so I am really having to try and focus on keeping my meals balanced and sufficient.

Random picture of the girls and I getting stuck in mud on a morning run. :) *Almost 2 weeks ago!

Don't worry, I am confident that I can ward off anorexia. I can also conquer this binging.
Yea, the balance isn't the easiest to get right now, but I know that I am in a better place now than I have ever been.
I have the support of so many, and I am so grateful to you all, my family, and friends. I don't know where I would be right now if it wasn't for my therapist, nutritionist, Connor, the blogging community, and so many other unnamed others.. And I don't want to know.
Because I like where I am.
I like who I am.
Hell, I love who I am. *I have come so far to be able to say that, btw.* :)

Caroline, my best friend of 14+ years. <3
My eye is all squinty in this pic. Attractive ;)

My best friend Caroline and I hung out yesterday, and towards the end of our time together we started discussing my eating disorder.. Caroline also had anorexia throughout the beginning of high school. She went to Remuda in Arizona for inpatient rehab. Anyway, I told her how well I'm doing compared to just a couple weeks ago, and she surprised me by starting to cry. She sobbingly said that when she pulled into the Starbucks parking lot, where we met up, she immediately thought I looked so much better. Most importantly, she could tell that my personality was back. I was back to the old Haley.

I started crying, too, telling her I was sorry that I ever got anorexia. I didn't mean to turn into some sort of skinny bitch monster. I should have learned from her that starving yourself is not the way to lose weight and especially live life.
She quickly dismissed this thinking, truthfully stating that none of us plan on getting an eating disorder. It all happens so quickly.
We can't keep blaming ourselves for developing this disease. It happened. It's in the past. Now we must move on.
The good news is, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Caroline is so happy now, and right now, so am I. I can only imagine what life will be like when food is not a source of worry for me.

Until then, I'm going to keep fighting.
I hope you all have a great fourth of July weekend.
I'm going to have the best one ever. :)

<3 Haley

Update: Much better. :)

***UPDATES***


Eating- I'm doing much better!
I'm trying to listen to my body and feed it when it's hungry.. but sometimes I have to eat even when I don't really feel all that hungry just cuz I know I need it plus ED is the main thing that is stopping me, anyway.
Sooo yea!
I overate last night/was on the verge of a binge, but I stopped it.. I am much more aware of myself in these 'binging episodes' now, but the initial thrill of the binge definitely takes me off guard sometimes, and I get caught up in allowing myself to eat whatever I want, when really, I should be allowing myself these foods all the time.

School- Today was the last day of classes for the June semester of summer school. I made a 98 on my last Chemistry test this morning, plus I got 7 points for two bonus questions! That puts me at above a 100 for the class, so I only need a 120/200 on this final Thursday to get an A in the class! That's 60%! Since my lowest test grade is a 96, I think I can do it! :) Ahh, I am so happy all of my hard work has paid off so far.
I also took my last speech test today and got an 88. I barely studied since I was much more worried about Chemistry, but that's okay because I still made a high A in the class! Yay for being done with speech!

Running- Running has been wonderful the past couple days. I really enjoyed my 10 mile run Monday with my teammate Simone. We definitely went sub 7 minute pace after mile 2. She only ran 8 with me, though. I did the last two by myself.
That's usually how it is because my schedule has a little bit more mileage than everyone else. I really like the last bit of my runs though cuz if I feel like I didn't get much out of the run I can go a little faster on the last mile or two. Plus, it's a great time to think about everything.
My stomach hurt on the 8 mile run I had this morning, maybe from eating too much last night? But I stopped eating before 8:00, so that's strange.. Today was a bit slow, but I didn't mind too much mostly because of the fact that my stomach was flopping, plus we had company! We ran with two girls that are gonna be freshman this fall. I cannot believe I am so old! I'll be a junior! These girls probably see me as some kind of veteran on the track, but it's weird cuz I still see myself as a freshman!
We have a Kenyan tempo tomorrow. It's our first sorta-kinda workout of the summer!
4 miles easy, 4 miles progressively faster (ending at long tempo pace), and a 2 mile cooldown.
I'm really excited to get my legs moving and my heart racing! :) Tempos are my favorite!!

Farmer's Market goodies! This Saturday I bought four hair bows, three bell peppers, banana peppers, baba ganoush, and cherry tomatoes that seriously taste like candy from the local Farmer's Market. I'd never been before. I love it! P.s. The baba ganoush was gone in less than 48 hours. Look at that small container! :P

Oh, I've also been swimming every once in a while at the gym here at school. I find it very relaxing, and I'm slowly becoming addicted to it. I don't have goggles yet, so I am constantly running into the side floaty thingys. It's really annoying. For the life of me I cannot remember what that string is called right now. It's bugging me!! Ha, blonde moment! :P.
I'm pretty sure the lifeguards all laugh at me cuz my form is still pretty bad, and you can tell that I get frustrated with the side floaty thingys cuz I'll push them out of the way and swim harder, ha.
Anyway, I'm going home this weekend and getting goggles and hopefully a one piece swimsuit! I've been swimming in a sports bra and spandex.

(Part of) Lunch today: Yummy bowl of chocolate oatmeal/oatbran
with a banana fudge pudding + added almond milk swirled on top.

Mom- I texted her two nights ago with the same message that I sent my dad: "Goodnight. I love you." I told myself I wouldn't talk to her until she was at least __months sober, but I gave in.. I guess I missed her.. I just wanted to know she's alive and okay.
She responded with, "Did you mean to send that to me? I hope you did. I love you so much, and I miss you."
It made me tear up a little, but I responded, "Yes. I meant to send that to you. I miss you, too."
Today I also texted her about my Chemistry test.. She relapsed *cocaine & alcohol (for those that didn't know)* before I had even taken a test in the class, so she had no idea how I was doing, but she knew I had been worried about it since I don't consider myself to be very good at science..
Anyway, apparently Mom is getting her cervical cancer removed and then going to rehab. I heard all of this from my grandmother. I don't have any expectations, but I do hope that something changes this time around.
For now, I am taking things one day at a time.
Since I was 7, my dad has told me to be happy for every moment that we get with Mom rather than being sad about the ones we miss.. I always thought this was dumb since you're supposed to get time/have a relationship with your mom; it shouldn't be a privilege. But I understand that with addiction, things are different. Each day is a battle. So I am grateful that at least today she is sober.

Body Image- Still fighting ED voices..
Today I was looking back at pictures of me from earlier this semester, and I was shocked to see that I was so thin during these months where I thought I looked like a hippo! It's crazy how ED distorts our perceptions of our bodies..
So I know that I think that I look really fat/out of control/overweight now, but that is probably not the case.
I'm trying to remember that my body is stronger than ever before. I would never have been able to break 34 minutes in the 10k at 107 pounds, something that my 122 pound body CAN do, though. :)
*Sorry if the numbers are triggering. I have always used them on my blog.. For some reason numbers don't trigger me, but I know everyone is different. I hope no one uses my weight as a reason to restrict. Please don't. It's not worth it.*

I thought I'd remember the moment of a day where I'm NOT wearing tempo shorts and a t-shirt by taking a pic.
I dressed up one day last week to give a speech. :)

Wow, just to see that I typed, "It's not worth it", is crazy. It's crazy because half the time my mind ED is telling me, 'Don't eat that!', or 'You're allowed a snack, but only if it's carrots or an apple.'
So it's strange that I know it's not worth it, yet the temptation to go back to my old lifestyle is so strong sometimes, just because I didn't feel all the pain then that I do now.
I didn't feel much of anything, though.
And like some of you have said in comments on here, recovery opens a floodgate of emotions. As hard as it is, it's better to feel these emotions, both the good and the bad, than feeling nothing at all. I have to remind myself of this when things get tough.

Okay, so this was long. And it was only supposed to be a brief update- both for my sanity's sake and yours! I didn't want you all worrying about me.
Thank you for all of the concerns and prayers. They mean so much to me.
Each and every comment touches my heart more than you know. I read them over and over, reminding myself that a life with ED is no life at all.
Sometimes I get scared of who I will be without some sort of food addiction, but I am slowly finding that out, and honestly, I like this girl woman.. Yes, it's really scary and uncomfortable discovering who I really am and not relying on food to mask my emotions, but I know life is better this way.

My beloved sweet potato wedges baked in some cinnamon and maple syrup.
Originally, there were quite a few more wedges on the plate (I pick out the biggest sweet potatoes at the store!!), but I couldn't resist eating some before snapping this!

Love you all and I hope you have a lovely evening/day (depending on when you are reading this).
<3 Haley

P.s. My email is haleylovesgreen@gmail.com for anyone who wants to email/talk to me. *hint: Corrie ;) But that definitely goes for everyone, for anything! <3

It's a New Day

Okay, so last night obviously wasn't the best for me..
I restricted my calories to about 800 before 5:00, and I ended up way overeating before and during dinner.
I guess it wasn't a binge, but it was still wasn't normal eating behavior.

When Connor texted me at 8:30 to skype, I was feeling very depressed and disappointed in myself.
I wasn't in the mood to talk, and I let him know this.
Luckily, Connor was in a pretty good mood and he was feeling stubborn I guess, cuz he said he wouldn't hang up until I was feeling better.

He forced me to talk about what was bothering me, which I didn't want to do because I don't really like talking about my eating problems or self-confidence issues with Connor. No one wants to date someone with so many problems, right?
So I told him about how lonely I've been feeling. I expressed that I feel like a failure both in running and in school. I'm not doing poorly in either, yet they both seem to be taking so much more effort than I expected in order to yield the results I want. I also told him how badly it hurts that I don't have my mom anymore. I don't know why I have felt so abandoned recently. I think about her more than ever, and the pain is just unbearable.

I feel guilty for being angry with her. After all, she has an addiction. So do I. Who am I to judge her? 
But then I know that if I forgive her and let her back into my life again she'll just hurt me at some point when I least expect it.
So it's all kind of confusing and I feel very conflicted.

A picture from last Saturday's long run at the Refuge. P.s. I love these girls

Anyway, Connor was the best listener, (he usually is), but he was also great about giving me some advice last night. He reminded me that what's in the past is in the past. I can't worry about the weight gain from the binges or the fact that my last race didn't go as well as I wanted. Making up for all of my past mistakes won't work. The only thing I can do is try to make my life better starting now.
I don't really know what that means in terms of my mom, but it does make me feel much better about summer school, running, and eating.

I finished writing my last speech today, and I present it tomorrow. Then I have a speech test Tuesday.
My last Chemistry test is also Tuesday, and then I have the final on Thursday.
I have A's in these subjects at the moment, and I know that if I continue to work hard I will pull out an A in both classes.

Running is another story. My summer running schedule is broken up into three cycles. We just finished the last day of cycle 1 today. That means I'm only 1/3 of the way through with my training. Therefore, there is no need to freak out right now if I'm not as lean/fit as I know I need to be to race at the level I want to. If I continue to work hard, I'll get there.

Picture from the long run yesterday morning.
I'm second from the left.. I used this picture as proof to Connor that I'm fat now.
I know that's ridiculous, though. Plus it shouldn't matter anyway.
I guess I finally realized that I'd much rather be happy than anorexic.

As for eating, Connor recommended that I start to follow a schedule, sort of like a meal plan I guess. That way I don't end up eating too little for the day and then have to make up with it in these binging episodes. I thought it was a great idea. I had thought of it before, but I hadn't wanted to be constricted to the confines of a meal plan if I wanted something different that day. However, I'm allowing myself to be flexible with it, and hopefully it won't hinder my cravings or anything.

I started today with this new outlook, and it's working well so far. I've had a great day. :)
I have also been talking to God these past couple days, and whenever that happens I feel so much safer. I no longer feel the need to run to food or exercise as a source of comfort or a way to mask my pain.
I'm hoping that my relationship with Him continues to grow, because I know that it is only good for me.

If I look at all of the things that I am blessed with, there is no reason for me to be sad. I have friends and family that love me. I have the best boyfriend in the world. I have the ability to run, and I love every second of it. I am intelligent, and I am blessed with the opportunity to go to school to further my education. Some don't even get this much.
So all in all, life is good when you look at it from the right perspective.
It's easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side when you can only see yours..

I want to thank you all so much for the encouraging emails and comments I've been receiving.
I know it's no fun to read about someone who's going through so much and doesn't seem to be in a happy place, but you all have supported me beyond what I had ever dreamed.
I send you all my love, and I hope that you have the hope and determination that things will get better just like I do today. I'll try to maintain this attitude, cuz life's much better this way. :)

I'm excited for 10 glorious miles of running tomorrow morning. And for the conversation I'll be having with God, thanking him for the many gifts that I have been blessed with. :)
<3 Haley

Lonely

Life has been hard..
I don't know why, but it seems like ED is louder than ever.
I guess cuz I'm super stressed with school and everything.
I know that running shouldn't be adding extra stress in my life, but it is.
I love it so much, but I feel like I'm not good enough right now.
I need to be faster. I need to be leaner.
I have to be the best.

It's really dumb. And the drive to be perfect is making me want to restrict and then after a while of restricting all I want to do is binge.
It's not a fun cycle :/
Luckily the binging has subsided a pretty good bit this past week, but still..
I know that it would stop if I give myself enough fuel every day. It's just hard post-binge days when I know that I need to lose the weight of the previous binge.

When I went home last weekend I had no urge to binge. Okay, maybe a little.. but I didn't! I think it's because I finally felt satisfied with who I was and where I was..
I got to see some friends.
I was with Connor. I could see/feel/experience the love that he has for me, and it was so great. It reminded me that I am worth something to someone.
Since I'm staying in Starkville over summer, I don't get to experience that very often.
I'm lonely.. really lonely.
My roommate lives with Renee, a fellow teammate, and they spend all of their time together.
My other roommate moved out. All of my friends are back home, and I don't have much besides chemistry and speech to occupy my time here. And there's only so much studying one can do.
I guess my ED seems to be the only thing I have sometimes, and I cling to it as a companion of sorts.. how sad is that. :/

Anyway, my grandma called me earlier this week.

She said my mom burst into tears when she found out that I went home last weekend..

What did she expect? For all I know she was out getting high/prostituting herself for drugs.

But apparently she's sober now, and that means that I should just instantly forgive her.

It's hard when I know that she'll just hurt me again, though.

Part of me just wants to stay mad at her forever so that I don't have to deal with that hurt again.

My mom had grown into one of my best friends these past couple years of her sobriety.. I finally knew what it was like to be able to have a relationship with the one that gave birth to me.. now that's all over.

So all in all, I wouldn't say I'm doing too great.
I'm not in terrible shape, though, either.

I just miss being happy.

Sorry this post is uber debby downer :/
<3 Haley

I love roller coasters, but I don't want to live on one.

I feel like I'm in a much better place right now than I was last night, this morning, even a few hours ago..

I went to bed last night with a binge. I ran with the team, with a shirt on of course. I looked in the mirror before I left for the track disgusted with myself. Then I came home to start the morning off before school with a binge. What the heck.
I just felt so depressed/alone/I can't even describe it..
So I text my therapist and say, "I really do feel depressed.. I don't know what's wrong with me. :("
She responds a few minutes later by calling, but I was in class.
She leaves a voicemail telling me to call her back, and I do when class gets out early at 9:00.
As soon as she says my name on the other line, I burst into tears.. Where these came from? I have no idea.. But she tells me she is at the Union now and she would like to meet.

So I find her there and we start talking.. She says that she can notice this change in me within the past couple weeks, and it's worrisome.
Somehow this floodgate has opened though, and I feel so vulnerable, so exposed to all of my emotions.

We're sitting at a spot in the Union where I told her I remember I used to sit last fall between classes. I remember my stomach growling and me telling it to shut up. I will give you your 80 calorie non-fat yogurt in just a few minutes if you are patient! Now I cram spoonful after spoonful of yogurt and pb and granola in my mouth at night, not even tasting it. I hate both of these extremes.
But I tell her that I don't remember hurting near as much when I was in the height of my eating disorder. I didn't worry so much about others. I didn't focus on the pain I felt from others' actions, either. It was more about me, more about the food. As long as I concentrated on getting my daily calorie intake, it would all be fine.
Now, not so much. It's a good thing, really. But it hurts to feel so exposed the way I do.

[Taken in July].. I have to remember that this girl wasn't happy, either.
She just didn't feel anything, or tried not to, at least.

Anyway, we talk for almost an hour before I head off to Chemistry class.
I call her after class as she asked me to, and I find that she set up a doctor's appointment at the Student Health Center for this afternoon. We had talked this morning about how I may be suffering from depression, plus I haven't been sleeping very much.
So I go to the Health Center and she walks with me as we make our way to the doctor's offices. She tells a nurse that she'd like to speak to my doctor before he sees me. We part ways, and I go with the nurse as she has to get a few stats on me. She checks my weight, and I close my eyes. I don't want to know the number. But she says it aloud, anyway. :/ 123. What the heck. I'm thinking, "fatfatfat. Wow, you gained 4 pounds in a month. Out of control." I tear up then and there. But I try to stay calm as she checks my blood pressure/pulse rate. She hands me some forms to answer about anxiety/depression.
They were these statements like, "I am very critical of myself." or "I really worry over what others think of me.". Then there were bubbles 0-3. 0 being not at all. 1-somewhat. 2-moderate. 3-a lot. Most of my statements fell in the moderate range, with a couple "a lots", and quite a few 0's as well. I didn't have any of the panic attack symptons, just overall feeling worrisome/depressed statements pretty much.

So the doctor comes in after speaking to Dr. Tatem and tells me that based on my answers I am suffering from extreme depression. Me?? Extreme depression? I don't know.. I tell him that it's not all that bad.  I've just been going through a lot lately. Especially after my mom's relapse, it seems that every little thing is getting to me. Anyway, all of the blood work he needed was already done cuz of my countless previous visits for both ED checkups and track, so he didn't have to do much before prescribing something. He said that it looks like my B-6 levels are low, so he put me on this vitamin called Stresstabs that should raise these levels, and that will apparently keep my serotonin levels up. Then he prescribed a 10mg dose of Fluoxetine. It's not much. He said I probably won't feel any of the effects until next week. He also told me that I need to be on fish oil as well as a multivitamin. I knew this already, I just suck at taking them. Also I need to be better about taking iron! Gotta keep that in check.

Anyway, I don't really know how I feel about all of this.. part of the reason Dr. Tatem talked to him beforehand was to let him know that I don't want anything that causes dependency. My family has a bad history of addiction. P.s. I found out last night that my mom was buying adderall off my sister (who actually has ADD) for about a month before she technically 'relapsed'. Greeeeat.
So yea, he said it should be fine. I don't know.. I am excited to see if anything happens.

I really did not like this doctor, though. He downplayed everything I told him, and when he asked why I wasn't satisfied with my body I told him that I felt like I was fat. He says, "but you are not fat. You have very little body fat on you, if any at all." He proceeds to show me by squeezing my hip that I don't have fat. I understand his argument or whatever, but the point I am trying to make is that I feel fat. It doesn't matter if I really am fat at all. If you feel a certain way, then that makes it true for you.
He goes on to say that I'm "lucky [I] don't have the other end of eating disorders." He says that some people just eat and eat and eat!! I'm respond with, "Well I am like that. It's just every other day or so." He's like, "Oh no, you don't have what they have. They gorge themselves, and they're so big." I said, "Eating 2000 calories in an hour is disordered eating, no matter what size you are." But he just wouldn't kept arguing, not listening.
I find this man to be very ignorant. You could just tell that he hates fat people. Seriously, dude? He kept talking about how they eat Mcdonald's every meal and it's disgusting. "You look super thin compared to most. I mean, Mississippi is the fattest state, you know!" he tells me. Umm, yea, I know. But what does that have to do with me? Just because some people eat fast food does not downplay my problem. I don't know.. I was just very annoyed.

I came home to talk to Connor on skype for about an hour. This really cheered me up. We've kinda been on the rocks these past couple weeks, with me being weird/sad and dealing with everything that is going on. But we talked through a lot of stuff, and I am so glad that we did. Sometimes ED is on the hush-hush in our relationship cuz neither one of us wants to talk about it cuz it controls my life so much already; we don't want it in our relationship, too. But it's there, whether we discuss it or not.
The difference with this conversation was that Connor finally got to talking. He told me his feelings regarding my ED and how my going from super high- "I'm never gonna binge again" to super low-"I hate my life.." affects him. We compared it to my mom and her relapsing. So I understand that he doesn't take either one of this statements too literally because they're just temporary. That's the way I view my Mom's words, as well.
But it was good to see that my ED is not only affecting me. It affects others, too. My life can't stay like this, with me and everyone else being hung on this emotional roller coaster. I can't imagine all that I have put Connor through, and I so very grateful for him and the rest of my support team, as well, family and friends alike.

Taken the last time I saw my handsome man.. almost a month ago.

This is long. Very long. To all who have commented, and even those that just read, thank you. I didn't get to read your words until this afternoon, but they mean so much. I am going to keep them in mind as I welcome a new, stable perspective on life and myself.

I've gotta do what that one post said and learn to be happy with myself. I deserve that. Yes, I'm uncomfortable in my body at the moment, but once I stop binging and then purging through extreme exercise/diet then my body will find it's natural weight, and I'll have to accept that.

My eyes are so tired from crying. I took a nap before writing this, and I'm about to write a speech I give in class on Monday. Then I've got a bunch of Chem to work on. I'm going home after my long run with the girls in the morning, so that should be good. I was going to go home today, but with so much going on, I just needed to stay here and rest for a bit.

Btw I got a 95% on my last speech, so thank you for the good luck wishes!
Also, I walked out of my Chemistry exam this past Tuesday in tears, sure that I had failed it. I called Connor and cried. Then I cried for another half hour. I go to class the next day to find that I made the highest grade, and he curved it so much that I got above a 100%. Things like this let me know that I do worry too much..

I hope you all have a great night. Thanks for always being there for me, through my roller coaster. Hopefully things will be better soon, starting right now.
<3